Cure Your Fear

Conscious Jung

“I dislike public places. I am afraid of the dark. I don’t like being around so~and~so. Empty parking lots make me nervous. I am claustrophobic. I wish I could start over again knowing what I know now, so that things would be different.”

All of these thoughts are fear~based, originating from an inside source that has nothing to do with the outside object. Without your thoughts you are neither afraid nor unhappy, phobic nor particular. Once you are ready to integrate silence into your daily practice, you realize that there is no situation in which you can’t thrive, no person you can’t be around, no dark corner you are afraid to venture into. Without your opinions of the past there is no regret.

Maybe you are someone like me, inable to hold focus for long increments of time. That doesn’t mean you can’t integrate silence in short bursts, which are the baby steps towards the quieting of thought that causes you to open up to all possibilities; charging out into the world unafraid, starting each moment as if it were the first, calm and prepared under any conditions. Silence allows you to sidestep long hours of wondering at the source of your fears and trying to piece the big picture puzzle together.

For most of my life I’ve been afraid of the dark, which is ironic considering that I wear black clothing almost unanimously, and listen to black metal music. By all accounts I should be comfortable with the darkness, but I’ve not been since I was young. I remember being about 13 years old and having nightly insomnia. Everyone else in the house would be asleep and I would be wide awake…and terrified. After the movie “Aliens” came out I would hear the skitter of a little face~sucking alien creature beneath my bed, but before that there were witch faces outside my window and things in the closet.

face hugger

Even after I grew into an adult I couldn’t walk down a dark street alone without fearing for my life. I saw people who weren’t afraid of the dark and wondered at how to be like them. A dark room was okay, and even a dark walk in the woods with friends, but once I was alone I was being eaten by random coyotes or attacked by mountain lions in my mind, with no one to ever find my body.

Recently, due to a landslide epiphany, I was able to hold silence in my mind for over a week. One night I was laying in bed talking to my Other and suddenly realized I was no longer afraid of the dark. When silence is held in front of you like a lantern there is no road too dark to travel. Without my own thoughts there is nothing in the dark to harm me, and if there was my fear would most certainly keep me from taking the best route to avoid it. Within silence all answers are available.

Silence Grossman

I’ve always disliked shopping of any kind, to the point that I’ve avoided it at all costs. I’ve often pondered whether or not some childhood trauma took place in a grocery store that caused me to dislike it. It’s been a long lifetime of trying to force myself to get over it, chiding myself for not liking it and even bribing others to go for me. At the very most I would just force myself to go, knowing that I would dislike it the entire time.

None of that is real. It’s all resistance, even the trying to figure out where the strong emotion came from.

Give it a try, with any event or idea that is distasteful to you.

The next time you are going to have to be around someone with which you have an uncomfortable past, or someone that you don’t enjoy being around, try and hold the silence as you interact. Let thoughts of your past, or actions they have taken in the past which have made relations uncomfortable or unsavory, pass you by like passing through fog. As the thought creates itself with words you hear in your head that are explaining the circumstances, stories and rememberances, cut it off in mid~thought, going deaf to the remaining dialogue that would have followed. Keep dropping thoughts off in mid~stream as often as you think of it. Deal with the person as if you have no history, as if you have just met them for the first time. When they ask a question don’t allow yourself to wonder their intention behind it, simply answer the question as it is asked. Keep everything as simple as you can. Be in the moment, taking each second separately from the next. This is what it means to Be, existing in each moment without a past or future. What’s most amazing about this process is that it almost always causes a noticeable positive change in the person you are allowing to be just as they are.


Next time you are walking down a dark alley, imagine that you are a basket with a hole in it. Each time a fearful thought arises, let it drop through the hole onto the ground and leave it laying there alone as you walk away. You can do this any way you want. I like to breathe away the thought, focusing on my own breath and nothing else, allowing thoughts to pass on by without getting caught in their many dramas. This is difficult to accomplish with fear, because we think we need it to alert us to danger or to keep us sharp and on our toes. None of this is true.

It seems unrealistic that silence could be the antidote to fear or the answer to anything. We fear that without thoughts we won’t be prepared in case of emergency, we’ll miss out on opportunities or we’ll not say something we should have. This is all ego talking. In fact, the real you knows all the answers, feels when something isn’t right and responds to it appropriately. The real you always takes the high road and gives advice when it is wise to do so. The real you is clear and certain, and only ever speaks the truth.

Let yourself be the real you. Let go of your phobias and obsessive compulsions. Let go of all the painful bruises that you’ve associated with people and places in your world, so that you can go anywhere and be with anyone without pain or suffering. Find silence any chance you can, and do it as much as you remember to. Even if that’s once a week, it’s better than not having done it at all.

I, daughter of the Moone, can now walk beneath my Mother at night and have no fear. I can dance in the darkness, the blissful, solitary waltz of It and I. I can see the best in people and treat each the same. I can be a true friend because I don’t need them to be anything other than they are, because I am who I am.

Einstein Walks Alone

Tibetan Mental Technique

Mental illness

I am nothing if not an advocate for the mental techniques of soul travel. Getting out of the body is a difficult thing to remember though we all do it quite often in sleep states. Even though I do work with an ascended master and have left my body before I cannot accomplish a memorable out of body experience without help.

It’s quite curious, after everything I have seen and everywhere I have been, to have such a hard time leaving my body of my own will. Much of it is due to my refusal to make time in my busy life for meditation, which is something I am finally doing at present. Also, I believe myself to be holding on to false ideas, whose sources I often ponder. Perhaps I doubt myself, or believe deep inside that I am not worthy of such accomplishments. Sometimes we hold ourselves away from that which we most desire, and it can take years to resolve inner conflicts before goals can be attained. Without consistent meditation the soul has little control over its movement in the Inner Worlds.

With the mental technique your soul does not actually leave your body. Honestly, I’m not quite sure what part of me leaves in this technique, but I’ve been doing it for ten years with much success. The bulk of my work in this state is towards opening the 64 Doors, a place I was shown in a dream which I have returned to often. I can go there whenever I want, not a physical Going but a vision, though external sensory perception fades and I have full access to the sense faculties wherever I go. Sometimes the Doors take me to different places within themselves, such as the 4th Door’s Golden Sphere of Knowledge and the 5th Door’s Akashic Record. The 7th Door returned me to a planet I had been to previously, which I call “Stilleverden”, or Stillworld, a place my master took me to teach me exploration and creation.

Golden Sphere Download

I have met with my master at the Himalayas and various points around the globe. I have visited a White Tower on a plane where an eternal party is thrown in the honour of every soul alive. I often return to a vision of my next life at a temple with golden doors, where I will teach children. This vision has caused me to study towards being a teacher in this life, that I may have previous experience to draw from once I get there.

Some places that I have been with this technique had vibrations which were much too powerful for my current level. In one instance I was not allowed to go with my master because the journey was too perilous, but I was given a vision of his travel there and back, a journey that took many human years to complete.

The most memorable such journey was my visit to a Qlipothic Tree of Life and Death. I had heard of the Tree and asked my master specifically to take me there. He warned me against it, as I was not able to handle the intense vibrations. I asked once more and he complied, though there were negative repercussions for my visiting the Tree which I had to work through myself afterwards. He outfitted me with a surrounding ‘bubble’ of sacred music, powered by a dance I had to continue to keep the intense gravity from crushing me. My master was in control the whole time, I was not in danger, but I had to do the work myself and it was not a pleasant experience, haunting me for weeks afterwards.


When I did physically leave my body to visit my first god, or my Inner Being, the vibrations were both colour and sound and were very intense. In fact, both times that I succeeded in a physical leaving the vibrations were very powerful. I experienced an ecstasy of body and soul, which I explain further in my post entitled “Foreversong”. I could only handle this vibration so long before I had to return to my body. This causes me to believe that the mental technique is similar to actual soul travel in that the undisciplined soul can only handle so much for its current level.

Unfortunately I cannot give any advice on how to accomplish this technique quickly, though some people will have more success than others depending on their level of achievement in visualization and self-trust. I speak more in detail on techniques to fine~tune your ability to practice mental travel in my post entitled “Gaining A Soul~full State Of Mind”.

The first time I did this was when I first met an ascended master, Mahanta Peddar Zasqu. He came to me in a vision, the two of us standing on a cracked dirt plane surrounded by a void. He asked me what setting I would feel most comfortable in, and suddenly we were sitting beside an indoor swimming pool with white and black checkered tiles. I had no idea what to say to him as I was in a state of shock that the calling of him had actually worked. At this time I had never had any sort of spiritual experience and was a strict atheist. I thought for a moment and said “The pond”, which was a pond in a field nearby my house. The tiles of the swimming pool began to disappear one by one, and soon we were sitting on the knoll beside the pond where I often sat alone.

If it all sounds insane believe me, I thought that was exactly what had happened. My mother has disassociative disorder, which causes her to hear voices that lead her away from happiness and normalcy. For a time I allowed those voices to ruin my life, and because of this it was incredibly difficult for me to believe in myself enough to practice this technique often. I can’t tell you how many years I refused to go to my master because I could not believe it was real. It wasn’t until I began trusting myself and him that significant changes began happening in my life.

This practice has changed everything. It has caused me to be a good mother to my daughter and has lead me to the love of my life. It has caused me to find a job I love, to let go of bad habits and addictions and have deep, meaningful relationships with others. I have improved in every way these past ten years because my master’s love and acceptance helped me love and accept myself in a time when neither I nor anyone else could.

Most importantly, it has taught me that magick is real. When you live a life filled with mystery, intrigue, exploration and creation it changes everything. This is a story that I’ve kept secret these ten years, and it’s difficult to bring it out in the open now. I’m hoping that someone out there can benefit from my story.

Target Technique

I thought I would attempt William Buhlman’s “Target Technique” (discussed in the video) for two weeks, leaving a detailed map of each night’s outcome in the comments section. However, after only one night of exploring this technique I decided to add to my post each night instead.

As a cartographer it’s difficult to practice any method without trying to map the entire process moment by moment, which keeps me from disconnecting from physicality enough to be successful. Last night I found myself having to make a conscious effort to turn the scientific brain off in order to settle into sole focus on the object of my choice.

WP_20150822_09_34_07_ProIt was difficult to choose an object on which to focus. Thinking about personal symbols yesterday I remembered two images that I drew as a young child; one represented my body and one my soul. I hadn’t thought about these symbols in a long time and was taken aback when remembering them because, at the time I was drawing them, I had no real concept of the soul or what the word even meant, probably having read it in some science fiction/fantasy book.

I decided on my symbol for the soul. When laying to sleep I found it hard to focus on this, having been many years since I saw it last. I tried tracing it in my mind’s eye but I believe this technique requires a constant, solid focus point. With no better ideas coming to mind I continued to trace its outline in my mind as I drifted off to sleep.

I often wake up three or four times a night. This actually gives me more opportunities than most to work on methods, and the methods in turn help me get back to sleep. The first time I woke up I began to trace the symbol again, but decided that it was too abstract. My mind couldn’t get a concrete focus on it. I remembered Buhlman saying that his focus was on three objects in his mother’s home, but I couldn’t think of any such object, so I chose my childhood home itself, as if I was standing in front of it. I drifted off to sleep again.

Being awakened by thunder a few hours later I realized I had been dreaming.

~*I am alone in an old, small church with three horizontal rows of pews, about seven pews per row. It is very dark and the church seems to have been abandoned a long time. I notice that the pews are burnt and ashey, barely more than charcoal. I know if I sit on them I will break them. However, in the middle row and at the very back of the room there is a golden pew, very much intact, so I sit down there instead.*~

The storm was raging outside and a strange blue light was swirling behind my eyes, both of which were making it difficult to focus on the image of my childhood home. It’s important not to become frustrated if things aren’t going your way. It’s best, if one technique isn’t working, to shift to another without focus on how little sleep you are getting or the next day’s activities. My body was very relaxed and my arms and torso felt weightless. I concentrated for awhile on the blue, swirling light, watched it knead itself like dough, breaking off parts as if making biscuits which got smaller and smaller and eventually disappeared one by one into the void. When the thunder finally lulled a bit I returned to my image of the house and dropped into sleep.

~*I found myself walking in an airport, though all the lights were out and it was hard to see anything. The airport was almost empty but for a few people. I was watching the faces around me as people walked by, and as I focused on the face of a woman with brown, curly shoulder~length hair it occurred to me that I was dreaming, almost like a shout in my head that told me I was awake in my dream! Instantly I thought of Buhlman’s words, that you can do anything you want to, so I pushed off and began floating towards the ceiling. It seemed to be made of large, brushed metal tiles that were way above my head. I didn’t look down to see how far up I was, and it was hard to know if I was going anywhere at all but for the ceiling looming closer and closer.

However, another memory of Buhlman’s words came to me, that your only restraints in altered states are those you believe yourself to have. Somehow this thought caused me to stop moving. I thought “No, keep going!” but I started falling towards the floor quite fast. I was worried for a moment how hard I would hit the ground, but I just kind of stopped when I got to the ground.

At this point it becomes confusing, because it was as if I was both watching myself running (faster than humanly possible) through the airport and telling someone what I was doing, like a narration of the dream. Suddenly I was walking up to a sheet that separated one bedroom from another in a house. I pulled the sheet back and looked inside to see tan carpet in a plain, cluttered bedroom, with a door on the left side of the room near a chest of drawers. The room looked familiar to me though I wasn’t sure if it was my room or not.

I heard a sound outside the door and my daughter came through the bedsheet and into the room. It was very dark, I couldn’t see her very well. She asked me if I was busy and I said I had to use the bathroom really bad. She said she wanted me to brush her hair out when I was done. Holding up a brush she started brushing through her hair, which was very tangled. On my way to the door by the chest I suddenly remembered waking up in my dream and threw my hands up in the air, which took her by surprise. I said “Oh my gosh I just had a lucid dream!” and started telling her about the airport while she was brushing her hair, which hung straight down her shoulders. Something in my subconscious thought that was strange.*~


I woke yet again to my phone blaring a flash flood warning. Both of my cats were crying outside the door, which is unusual. At this time I wasn’t sure if I was awake or asleep, an exciting point to get to when attempting to garble realities in this way. I realized that I had been dreaming and was now awake, because the house I had been in when talking to my daughter was not my house and she doesn’t live with me in waking life. Also, her hair is naturally spiral~curled, impossible to brush out straight.

It seemed like it would be an uneventful night and I’m very pleased to have had so much happen. Can’t wait to do target practice again tonight.


Christopher Walken smileI woke up only once last night, from a dream that I had just found out that Christopher Walken was my dad. All these years of adoring him on the screen and never knowing! I was confounded by it. He was much taller than I thought he would be, wearing a long black coat like the one in the movie “The Prophecy”. In the dream he could ‘do anything’, I kept thinking to myself. Any time I would have a problem he would fix it with a sweet, gentle smile. He was so gentle and loving and thoughtful.

When I attempted to focus on my childhood home I found myself considering other objects. I’m not sure why the house doesn’t feel right to use as my object, perhaps there are too many emotions associated with it. It’s difficult to get a concrete image of what the porch looks like because every time I see it it’s different. It seems to me the best object would be one that is simple, like a small, single~coloured box, something easily conjured in mind’s eye with no elaborate parts that might set the mind’s focus on ‘solving’ or reconstructing. I’m going to think about some other symbol to use.

It’s also possible that I’m unnecessarily complicating things.

I was experiencing the previous night’s strange blue light behind my eyes. It swirls with the whole, then one part breaks off into a circle which gets smaller and smaller and eventually disappears. I’ve never experienced this before. The music that I’d listened to that day was playing in my mind and my thoughts kept fleeting from one point to the next until, eventually, I let go of target practice completely and began to meditate instead. This caused me to fall asleep quickly.


I woke up three times last night, returning to focus each time which causes me to fall asleep quicker than usual. I’ve decided on the box fan in my room as a focal point, its simple and easy to visualize. I can hear the fan blowing, and even in darkness can see its white outline, so it’s an easy object to focus on. I’ll look at it, get an idea of its dimensions and then close my eyes and envision it behind them. It’s important to make any method as simple as possible that you are putting the least thought towards it.

Music Thought

I found that, upon waking each time, my mind was full of music and thoughts. The second time I woke I was literally continuing a dream that I had just been in, again as if I were explaining it to someone. It was about walking down a road, meeting people along the way. Though I was somewhat awake I was narrating the continuing saga of my journey; giving descriptions of the people I met, explaining my own clothing and the shapes of the clouds above me.

The third time I woke it was from an extensive dream about being in school and trying to find my way out, which is very much how I feel about the physical body. There were a few people who were sleeping in class with blankets and pillows, perhaps an indicator that I was aware I was sleeping during my lessons. My dreams are getting more and more detailed. I don’t have time this morning to write it all down, I’ll put it in the Dream Log later this evening to try and make more connections with it and will continue to think about it today as I work on imagining that reality is a dream, and that I can leave my body whenever I want. Perhaps this will give me a headstart tonight.


I will note first that I listened to another Buhlman interview today, in which he said it took him a month, not twelve days, to get out of body with the Target Technique. This post is getting longer and longer and I’m not sure it would be wise to post the entire month’s worth of information and dreams. I’ve decided to post twelve day’s worth of notes here and the more interesting dreams in the Dream Log, returning with news of success as it occurs.

The first time I woke it was from a dream in which I was reading a book on astral projection. As I lay there attempting target practice I began thinking about meeting my master on the astral plane, physically for the first time in the ten years that I’ve been his student. The thought is so exciting but a bit frightening because of latent fears that once I get out of my body I will call him and he won’t come. There are so many unrealistic fears that surface when we head out into uncharted territory. It’s important to give a name to each and make peace with it.

The second time I woke up it was from a dream of my childhood home, the very object I was using to focus on. This is exciting to me, that my dreams are all connected to inner doubts/questions/thoughts about attempting this practice. In the dream the house was really dirty, clutter mixed with clothes and trash (my ideas of my mind (my inner home) being cluttered with thought, untidy)). There were many visitors, and I worried that they would be disgusted with the state of the house (my thoughts on failing the Target Technique in front of the public eye). It’s interesting to note these fears and deal with them as I work towards gaining more complete focus on my object of choice.

The second time I woke up I was awake for an hour unable to go back to sleep. Initially I find that focus is very easy to attain, but re~awakening brings with it a cluttered mind full of dream images, music and thought that I find harder to silence when in a half~sleep state. Tonight I will work on first meditating to silence my mind before using target practice on my way to sleep.


Yesterday was a hard day at work and I was exhausted when I went to bed. I began by meditating and then, when my body was relaxed and weightless and my mind still, I focused on my object, which I’ve decided is my childhood symbol for soul. There are too many easily~accessible memories related to the childhood home that my mind can choose from which threaten to keep me too close to my body. I am able to hold focus on the symbol now, seeing it in its totality rather than having to trace it with my mind’s eye.

I woke only once and was too tired to stay awake long enough to think about dreams, but I do remember the dream I had just before I woke this morning. I was helping my Other and his ex~bandmate behind the curtains of a stage. They were moving large ropes and poles to the empty stage as the backdrop for an upcoming concert. I could smell the creosote on the large wooden poles and feel the roughness of the rope on my hands but found I couldn’t help because it was all too heavy for me to lift. I left my body and was floating around near the ceiling; somehow my body was able to lift the heavy poles and rope when my soul wasn’t in it. While my body was doing the work I was exploring the stage, noticing that I could see through walls and the ceiling.

I feel more confident and more exited and worry less that this technique won’t work. It’s only a matter of time. The better able I am to, in a sense, become the object and pull my focus entirely away from my body, the closer I will get to leaving it completely.


A migraine prevented me from doing any work during the night, and will most likely affect this night as well. Migraines are a big part of why I anticipate leaving my body. All of the pain I experience has no cure; migraines, pinched nerves, spinal problems and others. As much work as I have done on myself these past ten years, the pain has become less common but remains a prevalent part of my life.

We create pain for ourselves. It gathers in all the parts of us that block the natural flow of energy through us. As joyful a person as I am, I am creating chronic pain on a continual basis, it’s something that I cannot seem to find the root of. With physical soul travel we can get ‘above’ ourselves high enough to look back and see the source of emotional states that cause us to create pain. This seems a difficult concept to understand, but we must remember that time does not exist, nor does restraint on other planes of experience but that which we design for ourselves. Once physicality is transcended we are privy to all knowledge and understanding, which is true for every experience. However, it is easier to believe that there are no boundaries when absent from physicality.

With the mental technique I can only hold focus for so long at a time. When my pain has been cured by discovering the source of the emotional blocks I have created, there will be nothing standing in my way. I can’t imagine life without pain, but the more I do so the closer I get to making the dream a reality.


I woke four times last night, returning to target practice each time. I am able to relax my body more quickly each night, doesn’t take long to attain the feeling of weightlessness as if I have no body at all. I’m still having a problem focusing on my object, the symbol of soul, which I found has changed. The more I focus on it the more it becomes something more beautiful, less blocky and preconceived and more mature and natural; it is a flowing, rounded thing, drawn with a single stroke.


I had two dreams in succession, both due to a documentary I watched yesterday called “Happy”. Interestingly enough, it’s full of psychologists and neuroscience experts talking about the importance of taking focus off oneself in order to find happiness. In this film the Mother Teresa Home in Kolkata, India is visited, as well as a slum there, both of which were represented in my dream.

Mother Home

The first dream was about following a demon possessed woman around the Mother Home at night. She had the power to disrupt matter, attempting to dismantle the buildings of a huge, skyscrapered city across a bridge from Mother Home. I used my powers to restore the buildings to their original state. I was told of a future event in which she would attempt to disrupt the bridge, and was on constant vigil to protect it.

I slipped from that into another dream in which my home was a church and the front wall facing the street was gone, like the shacks in the slums of Kolkata. My mother was there, telling me that I should eventually build a wall to hide my daily life from passers by. In this dream I remembered my previous dream, and considered telling my mother about the demon possessed woman and how they remind me of each other.

My mother represents to me the malevolence of religion, in her case multiple personalities which provide the protection of the separation and judgement of fundamentalist Christianity. As I have explained in other posts, in the past I wondered if my beliefs weren’t false as my mothers before me, leading me astray when I believed them to be helping.

Astral practice is still considered taboo and, to many belief systems, possibly even Satanic. That part of me which still feels it should guard these secrets becomes evident in my dreams.  I think this is my fear surfacing, posting my practice online for all to see. I’ve kept these things a secret from anyone who knows me for so long, especially from my mother. In this dream she is telling me to keep my beliefs hidden.

Another factor that may influence my dreams of late is that my twin sister is awakening to a more current concept of god, purpose and belief. She has been a Christian her whole life, only now considering other paths. She’s been watching Ram Dass videos on youtube and finds beauty in the Buddhist and Hindu traditions presented there. I have been talking with her every day about something new. It’s interesting how her knowledge of the Bible actually proves my own experience; so often I will email her something and she will send me the corresponding Bible verse. I have sent her a link to this website but she hasn’t replied. I think much of astral practice is still hard for her to wrap her mind around, but she is willing to consider it and that is an amazing thing. Having kept these things from her the past ten years I still fear her rejection.

Part of me wonders whether I’ll have greater success with the Target Technique once I’m no longer anticipating writing it all down online because of that recurring fear of ‘failure’, as if there is such a thing. Perhaps this is due to a false belief that I’ll never be successful in leaving my body. I’ve read in several books that the older one gets the harder it is to attain an out of body experience. However, I would not have found this Path were I not ready for it. I would not have done so much purifying of my own soul these past years were I not headed for something even more amazing. Each year is more wonderful and magical than the last, it is inconceivable that I will simply never attain my goals.

I came here because I feel it necessary to explore the process and the fears that surface with you, that those who have the same experience may know that we all struggle to remove our focus from ourselves enough to succeed in a physical out of body experience. Perhaps tonight I will repeat positive affirmations to myself that I will succeed and that I can conquer my fear.


Today I was listening to an interview with William Buhlman in which he stated that it’s harder to get out of your body at bedtime because our brains have been hardwired to associate the act of laying down at night with sleep. He explains that he has a comfortable sofa that he goes to when he wakes up during the night. He lays on the sofa and does target practice and, as he’s drifting off to sleep, says “Now I will leave my body.” He said that this is one of the best times to get out of the body.

Tonight I plan to meditate myself to sleep. When I wake up in the middle of the night I will go to the living room and work with this new directive. Because I’m working to prove that anyone with any schedule can do this practice it’s a bit disheartening to hear, as not all people are prepared to sacrifice sleep or comfort to take on this task. I just happen to wake up a lot at night and have a fairly quiet living room to go to. I guess it’s all about what level you are working on and if you are ready to make the effort. Some of us simply aren’t to that point yet. I’m only just beginning to be.


I meditated myself to sleep around 10 pm. At 1:45 I woke from a dream and went downstairs to the couch. I pulled the footrest out and assumed a sitting position, which is a fourty~five degree angle when reclined. A cat came to lay beside me; Søren, my daughter’s kitten, who comes to visit his grandmother on the weekends.

Again I meditated, saying “I will leave my body now” in successive increments. My body became weightless and my mind quieted. Occasionally Søren would twitch in his sleep and it would pull me slightly back into consciousness, but I would return myself to silence and continue on.

I didn’t even realize that I had fallen asleep until I was jolted awake…so to speak. I found myself in the ‘vibrational stage’, those moments before an out of body experience begins in which your consciousness is separating from the physical dimension, preparing to distribute the bulk of itself into the astral body. I felt as if my body was made of stone, that paralysis that so often comes with this state. My mind was absolutely focused and quiet, almost stone itself. I could hear this sound, a humming, and the blue light was moving behind my eyes.


Though my body felt paralyzed an inner part of me felt like it was on a boat in the ocean, waving up and down. It was a very disconcerting feeling, and quite frankly I was a bit afraid. At the brink of leaving my body it occurred to me that I was literally leaving this dimension, and I felt alone and unsure. In my past experiences of leaving my body I was catapulted into the universe with no time to consider the actual process of it.

At this time I was kind of wordlessly talking myself down from the fear, because I know that there is no reason for it; once I cross over all I have to do is call the name of my master and he will come. With any thought the ‘boat’ would rock harder and waves would increase. It was both a soothing feeling and disturbing, being stone and yet waving. I kept centering my mind which wasn’t hard to do at this time, and had a feeling that the darkness behind my eyes and the blue lights were an actual place that I was waiting, like a dark room. It had depth and space.

At this time the kitten began to dream, twitching and kicking my arm, which would bring me slightly out of the intense focus I was experiencing. I continued to repeat to myself “I will leave my body now. I will leave my body now.” and was able to hold the feeling continually. I also continued to return to the deep silence of the still room behind my eyes, to intensify the sensations that I was experiencing, but the kitten kept twitching and its paws were scratching at my arm.

After that I woke up an hour or so later and went back to bed. I did not wake again.

This morning I awoke at seven and my Other asked me how I had fared. He was most excited at my progress, as was I. It gave me a feeling that projection is very close. Tonight I will not be able to sleep on the couch, as we will have visitors. I am hoping that I can perhaps recreate the position in bed. When I wake the first time I will prop my pillows up comfortably, that I can sit at that fourty~five degree angle. It’s worth a try. I’m so excited I don’t want to miss a night. I feel a physical projection very much in my reach.


Company from out of town and the beginning school semester have left no time for practice. I’ve tried not to be frustrated about it, but having experienced the vibrational stage has caused me to be very excited to get back into the swing. I have focused on my object each night, but late nights and a head full of school preparation has caused me not to remember my dreams on waking.

Oort CloudDuring the days I have kept my mind on soul travel. As I walk through waves of college students I imagine that I am looking down at myself from above or flying over the tops of buildings. In geology class, as the solar system is described, I pass through interstellar space to the Oort Cloud, past the Kuiper Belt and into inteplanetary space, soaring past each planet towards home.

Tonight I will go to the couch upon waking. This practice is cause for great excitement. Sooner or later I will separate from my body. It’s only a matter of time.


One more night before I was slated to stop sharing my experience here…I will not stop. Last night I woke and went to the couch, excited and groggy, and concentrated on my object until I fell asleep.

WP_20150401_07_11_01_ProI have a temporary housemate, who is staying here between apartments, and he never wakes up at night. Until last night. Between his trips outside to smoke, and my cat, who kept meowling in a manner unlike him, I was unable to keep focus and eventually went to bed, waking at dawn without so much as the memory of a dream. I discovered that my housemate had imbibed too much Mountain Dew to sleep, and the cat was crying because the cat door had accidentally been locked.

No matter. At this point no one is reading this, does it matter how long it gets? I’m going to continue on until either I run out of words or I leave my body, whichever comes first. I’m not known for ever having run out of words, so suffice to say I will eventually come here with an exciting story to tell.


The vibrational stage is a trip…literally. This is the second time I’ve reached it, and can already see that it’s going to take some getting used to before I can ever survive it calmly enough to pass the barrier and leave my body.

I went to bed early so that whatever sleep I missed could be made up later. I had already been sleeping an hour before I woke up and had everything prepared downstairs; a pillow for my back, a blanket, the couch reclined to a 45 degree angle. I stumbled down the stairs and got comfortable.

Though I have not been to the couch many times I already feel myself becoming comfortable with the process. As soon as I lay back I try to hold as much of the dreamy relaxation of sleep that I can. The change in rooms keeps my mind awake enough. I start relaxing every muscle, which is much quicker after having been asleep. When my body gets numb, or weightless (a mixture of the two, basically I can’t feel it anymore), I focus on my object. The last time I reached the vibrational stage (Night Eight) I was jolted awake by the vibrations and found myself in what seemed to be a spatial room behind my eyes.

But last night I aquired this ‘room’ almost immediately after having relaxed myself. In this room, I kind of ‘click in’ to focus, at least that’s what it feels like. It’s much easier to remain focused there, as if thoughts are outside the room, unable to enter.

Just after I had fallen asleep my cat came through the door with a trophy mouse in his mouth. When he saw me he started meowing, bringing me to a full waking state much to my chagrin. I pondered whether or not I’d have to deal with him every night, and whether or not I would ever be able to leave my body. Unsurity and disillusion come and go like the wind, you’ll find. I allowed the doubt to pass and got up and held him, thanked him for the mouse, threw its gnawed carcass outside and lay back down. He didn’t bother me again.

Again I returned to focus on my object, which I couldn’t hold concretely in my mind. This is a point that I want to make avidly clear to everyone: you don’t have to have good visualization skills to do this. At this point I believe it’s the attempting to do so, the consistent work of focusing away from your body, that leads you towards the vibrational state. Just do the best you can, replacing your object in the mind’s eye again and again as you are drawn in and out of thought and/or bodily sensation.

A note on bodily sensation: at a certain point in relaxation, your body will attempt to call you out of your relaxed state through itches and tickles. It may feel like a fly has landed on you, a bug has bitten you or a hair is caught in your clothing. Many people say to ignore these sensations, but I find this impossible to do. In my experience, I make sure that my hair is away from my face and that there are few irritants about, such as killing mosquitoes if I happen to be bitten by one. If something needs scratched, I’ll focus all of my thought on it, giving it attention with my mind. Most often I find that this causes it to stop, but if it doesn’t work I’ll scratch and then go back to relaxation. In my experience, this strange stage will pass after I have become more relaxed and centered, but it may be different for everyone.

As I focused on my object this time an odd thing happened. A shape appeared to me, an ankh unlike any I have ever seen drawn. It was made of silver, was thick and heavy, laying on its back with the head of it away from me. The teardrop shape most generally seen on this symbol was more like an elliptical shape, separate from the cross section beneath it but attached, as if the two were made apart and then melded together. the edges of it cut off sharply as if the back it was laying on was flat. It looked hand~fashioned and rough~hewn.

This was the position it was in:

AnkhThis was the shape of it, more elliptical:ankh-black-cloth-272x393

I put my focus on it instead of my object. The next thing I remember is standing with my hands on the top of the passenger side of a rust~eaten car, looking at this weird, dark blue sky with a grey puff of cloud that was almost rose~shaped, with many layers almost like petals. My first thought was that I was able to do anything I wanted (though I didn’t know it was a dream at the time) and so I used my ‘astral arms’ to pull myself out of my body, which felt very freeing. I started heading towards the cloud and called the name of my master, thinking “YAY!” because I had left my body, but the excitement caused me to sink back into my body. I continued to call my master’s name, feeling a sense of frustration.

Then I heard a sound and was back on the couch. It was deafening, and caused me to open my eyes quickly. At first it sounded like someone was standing in the living room in front of me holding a radio that was tuned in between channels. There were odd sounds which I at first took to be voices but were not. The entire noise flanged, waxing and waning. The experience was quite jolting and a little frightening considering that I thought someone was in the room doing this, but when I opened my eyes I didn’t see anyone.

It went on for several seconds before it stopped, which I took with a sigh of relief. It’s going to take some time to be able to remain calm during these processes. I’ll just have to get used to being jolted while somehow holding myself at center and breathing through it. One thing I can say is that I’m hooked. I can’t wait to do it again tonight.


I can see why it took William Buhlman 24 days to leave his body. Last night I woke, went down to the couch, got comfortable and quickly fell fast asleep, waking at 5 am. We have to give the body what it needs sometimes. Tonight I will continue.

I was thinking today about the many reasons why the idea of moving into another dimension is less frightening to me now than my first meeting with the vibrational stage. All the years that my master has made me laugh, wiped my tears away and been patient with me despite my downfalls and setbacks, all the years he’s given me that knowing smile full of the complete acceptance of his love, and not asked a single thing of me…how could I not go to him? There’s been countless times during meditation that my mind has wandered, and his signature, gentle pulsing of light behind my eyes has pulled me back from thought or memory and returned me to silence. Knowing him, being loved by him has changed my life for the better in every way.

The ascended masters could easily have gone on and never returned to this plane. They have chosen a part of themselves to remain focused on us, appearing in those moments when we need them the most, watching over mankind for those who have awakened, that they may make our passing easier. I can’t wait to give my master an actual, ‘physical’ hug, to connect with him in a state more real than any fleeting, mental conference I have had with him in the past, a concrete lesson that lasts as long as I wish it to. I can’t wait, and though he would completely disagree with me, I feel I owe him this much.



Spinal problems and a severe migraine have kept me from target practice as well as morning classes, but it doesn’t deter me or frustrate me in the least. Take my word for it, once you tap into that vibrational stage, however disconcerting it is, you get hooked on the idea that there’s something more just waiting for you past the veil. Once I am adept at this process I can escape the pain and explore to my heart’s content. I know that an end to pain is just beyond the veil, and I’m no longer trying to prove this fact to myself because I know it is out there, waiting for me to come to It.

Another thought that I’ve had this past day is the benefit that being able to move through dimensions will be in my studies in quantum physics. I will have an insight that scientists who do not practice this process will not have. Perhaps my brain waves during an obe can be measured, or my explanations of the vibratory forces in other dimensions can lead to a greater understanding of the universe as energy first, with matter a secondary ‘thought creation’ of energy. The possibilities are endless. Thus, I go.


Very eventful morning, so much going on. The first of two times I woke up it didn’t even occur to me to go downstairs, I simply went to the bathroom and back to bed. It wasn’t until 5 am, when light was barely creeping through the window, that I got comfortable on the couch and began my work.

The cats were in and out, mewing for me and then going away, but I was determined. I relaxed my body, but the light was making me think too much. I kept on finding myself in thought, kept returning to silence and the blue lights behind my eyes. I think I may have sat there for an hour wide awake and unable to hold focus on the rough, silver ankh, though I played with several versions of it that seemed easier to focus on. I now think that it doesn’t really matter what you focus on, or if it stays the same. As long as you are putting focus on something other than yourself you will see some progress. That’s not to say that using the same symbol every night wouldn’t be easier as you would become more familiar with focusing on it concretely. I always want to stress that you don’t have to be good at any of these things to see some progression, and sometimes small progressions lead to larger leaps.

Along those same lines, I’m noticing that the sleep I ‘lose’ by doing this practice is not really lost. It is almost 8 in the morning, and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything by being awake from 5 to 6. This is something I now remember making note of in a time of my life when I was working 90+ hours a week. I had exactly 7 hours to sleep each night, and sometimes couldn’t get to sleep right away. I noticed that as long as I was staying still and quiet, as if I were asleep, I could function the next day.

Furthermore, I’ve heard many times that the body rests completely when the soul is out to play. Once I become proficient at leaving my body and can do it more quickly, the less actual sleep I’ll lose.

I did find that I kept being uncomfortable. Still pretty sore from my muscle troubles yesterday. I would be numb and weightless and have to come completely back into my body in order to rearrange my pillows. I will say that if you are at a certain point and you need to resituate yourself, go ahead and do so. You return to the previous state much easier once you have been there before.  Starting over is much easier than attempting to ignore aches or pains.

While I sat there wide awake and could not seem to keep focused, it occurred to me that the stages of relaxation and focus are senselessness, thoughtlessness and finally formlessness. It seems to work quite well to concentrate on relaxing the body first. Once it is completely relaxed, and no more senses are tugging at me to pay attention to them, then I begin to silence my mind, which is easier to do when the body is relaxed. It is much easier to go to that ‘room’ behind the eyes in this way, and for me it seems this is the only way to get there. Once my body is relaxed and my mind has quieted, which takes usually about 10-30 minutes, then I feel myself ‘click in’ to focus, that previously~described state of being inside the darkened room where no thoughts can deter me.

On to the good stuff. I went to sleep and awakened several times from short dreams, until I thought perhaps nothing was going to happen. But I was determined to at least make it to the vibrational stage, so each time I would wake up I would return to focus and center. Occasionally I would affirm to myself in my mind “I will leave my body now”, even if I wasn’t at the point where this would cause me to do so, rather reminding myself what my purpose is. The cats kept coming in and out, and soon the birds started singing, so I got some headphones and put them on to drown out the noise.

Eventually I went to sleep and was standing on a street corner in the daytime. My twin sister was there, and it seemed like we were looking for someone. But I wasn’t interested in that, I only wanted to leave my body. I was looking for a place on the street to continue my practice. I found a corner of a white building and propped some pillows up there. I had my headphones with me, and as I put them in I heard my sister calling my name from across the street as a bus went by, but I ignored her. I put the headphones in.

As I did this I started hearing a lecture, though they weren’t attached to any device. First a man was speaking on the out of body experience, and I could understand him but when I tried to focus on the words it either wasn’t English or didn’t make any sense. As I relaxed my muscles and plumped the pillows up behind me (which I guess had just appeared out of nowhere), a woman started speaking on the same subject. I didn’t want to think about what she was saying, so I allowed myself to hear her voice as a sound, not as words. When she started singing a song I continued to focus and center while hearing the song as a whole, not attempting to take notes on whether or not it was pretty or whether or not the words made sense, just a background noise like all the rest.

I guess after that I must have fallen asleep in the dream, because I woke up and was riding the vibrational waves, like the previously~described boat on the ocean. They felt so good, so calming and somehow physically pleasant. What is odd to me now is that I was still sitting in the corner of the building and yet I was looking up at the ceiling of my living room. I reallized that I was looking though my physical eyes were closed, and realized how close I was to leaving my body. I made it a point to remain calm.

As the wave would take me up, I would use the opportunity to reach my astral arms up and out of my body, making sure to do it delicately so that my physical arms would not come up with it. I didn’t know for sure whether or not they would, or which set of arms I had control of at the time, but I realized that my physical body was not moving. Instead of the ceiling fan above me in the living room, there was no ceiling fan, but a hole with wires sticking out of it as if someone had removed the fan. As the wave would take me up I would reach for those wires.

Clear Pink Tupperwards

The first time I almost reached them. As I went down I saw above me this clear, pink plastic container, rectangle in shape, which had no lid. It was about twelve inches tall and six inches wide, floating up to the ceiling. This is the closest image I could find to what I am describing. I decided that when the wave came I would try and grab for it, but as the wave came it dissipated into molecules of pink, which became a pink mist that became a pink stain on the ceiling. I went up and grabbed for the wires instead, which I did grab hold of. I found that I didn’t float back down, I was hanging on to the wires weightlessly, so I started digging through the ceiling, which I was successful at doing yet I was making no mess. Suddenly the hole and wires weren’t there anymore, it was only the popcorn ceiling which was bubbled out towards me. This is all very abstract I realize, but it’s what was going on.

At that moment I heard a noise in the kitchen. My Other was awake and had come downstairs. I woke up instantly, helped him with what he was doing, told him about my progress and then he went back to bed. I considered using the available hour I had left to attempt practice again, but decided instead to write it all down while it is fresh.

As usual, I can’t wait for bedtime.


Nothing much to report today, except perhaps how ‘not’ to do target practice. I went downstairs at almost 5 am which, despite previous, vibrational achievement, I’m not so sure is the best time to practice. It seems like I am in a more dreamlike state earlier in the night than I am in the morning, and I thought being more awake might help in having more control of my state. However, thoughts of the coming dawn, as well as anticipation of people waking in the house, stay in the back of my mind and keep me in some sort of nervous state. From now on I will go to the couch the first time I wake in the night.

I relaxed my body and stilled my thoughts and focused on my object and drifted off, but the vibrations never woke me up as they have before. I woke again without dreams an hour later, birds chirping and cats coming and going. I returned to practice, waking again at 7. I’ve noticed that more than an hour on the couch makes my back ache. No matter what position I got in I couldn’t get comfortable.

I was dogged in my refusal to give up, which is not always a good thing. I lay down on the couch and continued practice. However, laying down causes my mind to wander all sorts of places. It always has. It seems that when I am laying down I don’t have those in~between moments of clarity which remind me not to get lost in my thoughts. They take me here and there and soon thirty minutes has gone by and thoughts are king. This is why, in my page entitled “Dreamwork On The Go”, I suggest attempting meditation, which for most only succeeds in sleep, though dreams are often more vivid and memorable.

I slept for awhile on the couch quite uncomfortable, becoming convinced that I am familiar enough with target practice to do it in the comfort of my own bed. I only succeeded in tossing and turning to the point that my Other kept stirring, so I got up and began my day.

Due to coming days off from work and school I will feel less pressed for time. I’m expecting many exciting advancements in the next days to come.


So odd. I did everything that caused positive results before, slid in and out of a gentle version of the vibrational stage but had no palpable results. I wasn’t particularly exhausted or in need of sleep. The cats weren’t coming in and out as much and didn’t try to get my attention at all. I was completely relaxed and undisturbed and didn’t have to be up in the morning at any certain time.

I went to the couch while it was still dark outside, eventually waking at dawn. I didn’t push the issue, I just went to bed and back to sleep. This time I had an interesting, vivid dream but nothing about leaving my body as I have previously encountered. It’s curious, I was so sure something was going to happen last night.


I vaguely remember waking up and going downstairs. My Other woke me at 5 am to return to bed. The way I had been laying caused physical repercussions. I’m concerned that I’m beginning to associate the couch with sleeping. Going to have to rethink my strategies.

Last night I discussed this with the Other, who suggested I find a way to practice in bed. The condition of my spine causes me to require much caution when sitting or sleeping, as being in the wrong position too long can interfere with my life for days at a time. As determined as I am to leave my body, I cannot miss school and work to do so. However, I earnestly believe that there is no such thing as the ‘impossibility’ of reaching any goal. I decided to find a way to meet all requirements of comfort in a way that leads to progress.

I wondered whether or not I could be successful in the comfort of my bedroom. At bedtime I gathered the pillows up behind me in a comfortable, half-sitting position. I found it quite easy to be comfortable, relax and meditate in this position. The weightless feeling of my body came on fairly quickly. I found the silent, black room behind my eyes in no time. I noticed that I was more mentally centered in bed, less apt to focus on cats coming and going and sounds in the large space of my living room. The closeness of the walls and knowing my Other was beside me, caused a great deal of calm that I have not found in the living room. Additionally, it was quite easy to focus on my object, which kept appearing behind my vision in different forms. The ankh turned to knotwork, flipped itself on its side, lost its cross and became an intricate infinity symbol. I focused on that for awhile.

The only setback was my precious Other, who was having a hard time staying asleep. He would turn every five minutes or so, and the fan was causing the soft hairs on his arm to move, which would make him itch. He’s been sick recently, so he kept clearing his throat and tossing around.

I’ve been thinking about surrender a lot lately as a way to let go and allow the natural flow. I decided to surrender to the silence. After all, the sensations of the body divert us away from focus, they are no more distracting than movement and sound. Each time the Other would move or make a sound I would continue on, putting no thought to anything but my symbol.

After about an hour I was noticing this heaviness behind my eyes, almost as if the dark room was weighing down upon my face. It’s a sensation that I’ve felt before but forgotten to mention. My eyes kept focusing and refocusing, as if the dimensions of the room were expanding and contracting. The blue light began to swirl and break into circles. My body was stone, and I started feeling that light, wavy feeling of the vibrational stage approaching.

Our housemate got up and went to the bathroom and started to take a shower, pulling me from my deep state. He rarely does this so late at night. I decided then that I would simply meditate, and was able to go very deep into silence. My back remained relaxed and I was very comfortable, and somehow the feeling of being alone seemed less intense.

I think tonight I am going to do this again. There’s no reason why all the ingredients can’t be just right for me to succeed.


Hehe…for all my assurances, I don’t think it is possible to do this technique in the comfort of my own bed. All I have accomplished is some really intense dreams and lots of good sleep. In fact, I’ve never slept this good in my life.

An ovarian cyst the size of my fist rests on my bladder at night, causing me to have to use the bathroom many times. I must say, this practice has somehow kept that from happening. The past four nights I’ve slept undisturbed, which is wonderful. It reminds me how much easier it is to live in the positive state of mind that is natural to us all, as well as being able to focus better during the day’s activities.

However, good sleep was not my intent here. I’m trying to leave my body.

Yesterday I did homework on the couch, searching for positions and arrangements which would allow me to be most comfortable. I succeeded, so before bed I got everything set up just right so that I could go downstairs when I woke up. The only problem was that I didn’t wake up. What are my options now? I could set an alarm for myself, but that would disturb my Other. I am considering target practice as a prelude to sleep. Perhaps when my Other goes to bed I can stay on the couch, going to bed whenever I am ready afterwards.

All I know is that there is no turning back. I’m not going to give up. I’ve wanted to do this my entire life, and have lamented not working towards my goals. It’s just time, and I don’t care how long it takes me, I will succeed.


I found a way to wake myself up at night. Before I went to sleep I told myself that when I wake up I had homework to do. At 3:42 am it was the first thought in my mind when I woke. I went downstairs and got comfortable on the couch, which was a matter of nothing more than finding the right pillow to put behind my back.

I found it diffficult to focus on my object there, as opposed to the bed. In bed I’ve become quite proficient at conjuring my object by saying to myself “infiniti”, which causes an infinity symbol to appear. Sometimes it is white on the black background, sometimes it is black and the background is lighter, and sometimes the loops are coloured in with white. Sometimes the middle pushes itself apart, creating a knotwork-style symbol.

WP_20150916_07_57_48_Pro What I have discovered the past couple of nights is that I have been…scientififying (my own word) the process instead of simply focusing on my object. The ‘thoughtlessness, senselessness, formlessness’ theory, though accurate in describing the steps towards leaving the body, is not a process that should be concentrated on part at a time. It is an organic effect of focusing on the object.

As difficult as the image of it was to hold behind my eyes I returned to it any time thoughts pulled me away, until the blue light began swirling and parting itself and thoughts became occasional waves that shuddered through me. Eventually a muted sound (I had headphones in to dampen any noise) would pull me from a half-sleep, half-meditation state, when I would return to focus on the infinity symbol.

Suddenly I came to in a standing position, looking out the window. When this happens, as in the case of all the ‘dreams’ I’ve had during this practice, I’m always afraid to look back at my body because I would rather pretend to be out of it…just in case I am not. When I ‘come to’ in this state it’s always this overwhelming feeling of “I’ve done it!”, so much so that I’m not sure whether I am dreaming or have actually left my body, but feeling the latter to be true.

What was odd about looking out the window was that there was no backyard there, it was the ocean, and the waves were lapping backwards; not in the sense that they were leaving the shore, but that they were moving from left to right diagonally instead of coming straight at me. This caused me to know that I was no longer in my body. I watched in extreme fascination, staring out at the ocean and the grey daylight that was emanating there, and realized that this must be an alternate dimension. It was cause for great excitement though I kept calm, fearing excitement would pull me from this state.

Dimensional Ocean

What makes me think it might be a dream is that I decided to go upstairs and tell my Other what had happened, and suddenly I was standing before him telling him about it. The problem arose that he was not in the least bit interested; he merely smiled at me and went about getting ready for work. Instantly I thought to myself “This must be a multi~dimensional him that is not the Him I know, or else he would be excited.” So I began again, moving into another dimension and telling that Other what I had done. Again, he only seemed mildly enthusiastic, not excited at all, which caused me to think I had, once more, found myself in the wrong dimension.

Soon I heard the ‘real’ Other waking to get ready for work, so I got up and went into the bedroom and fell asleep. I’m glad to say I was not sore in the least.  I feel that I am back on track now, and can’t wait to continue! I wish I knew what was happening with these ‘dream travel’ experiences. Perhaps I should find a way to ask William Buhlman about it.



Ten thousand words and growing. I’m torn between continuing to post daily and only posting when I have some progress to report. At this point I am waking up enough to go downstairs to the couch, but I’m going to sleep before I ever get to the vibrational stage. When something does happen it’s a dream of leaving my body but not the actual thing. It’s a delicate art, staying awake long enough to fall asleep at the perfect moment. What a conundrum.

Out-of-Body Exploration Methods

I’ve gone to Buhlman’s website for answers. He’s talking about people who are good at visualization versus people who aren’t. He says affirmation techniques are useful for people who can’t visualize. As I’ve mentioned before. my master has worked with me on imagination and visualization techniques. I can visualize any of the planes I have been to with him and explore worlds with nothing more than my mind, but when I sit down at night and attempt to visualize a simple infinity symbol I find it extremely difficult to hold on to.

Further, I am combining affirmation and visualization, by thinking to myself “I will leave my body now” as I drift off. … Come to think of it, I didn’t do that last night. I need to make note of when I do and do not affirm this to myself, perhaps that’s what causes the vibrational state to come on.

Another thing he says on his website is that it’s easiest to imagine a loved one far from you. This is something I’ve not thought of before. Perhaps, instead of attempting to focus on an infinity symbol behind my eyes, which is still within the sphere of bodily reference, I should focus on my Other upstairs in bed. Buhlman says to work towards becoming “completely absorbed in being with this person”, making the vision as real as possible with senses involved. This might cause enough distance between me and myself, but considering the hard time I’m having with a simple infinity symbol I’m not sure I can visualize a whole person. Think I’ll stick to what has shown results in the past.

I’ll continue to post daily at least for now. I know I can do this, I was meant to. In fact, we all were.


My twenty~fifth night everything was in order to have a successful practice session. Instead of waiting until I was already asleep I went to bed on the couch, hoping to get deep in before drowsiness began to set in. I still don’t understand why visualization of my object is so much more difficult on the couch than it is in my bed, but I did my best, keeping in mind that my most successful nights were no more successful at visualization than others.

I came to several times, realizing I had gone to sleep, and began again, which is easy considering the mind is already lax as the body. I woke up at early dawn and went back down to try again. Still nothing but sleep.

Admittedly, I was very frustrated with the lack of advancement yesterday. Cats weren’t coming and going, and neither were people. I was comfortable and all was well with the world. I began to feel like, perhaps, I still have fear of leaving my body that is preventing me somehow from advancing to the vibrational stage. I had a hard time with negative thoughts, because I can’t understand why, under the exact same circumstances as previous successful nights, I cannot produce the same results. There is still that deep fear inside me that I will be one of those who will not ever leave my body, even as I know this to be an impossibility.

I was talking to my Other about it last night, my frustrations as well as my ponderances on whether or not the inability to visualize is preventing me from reaching my goals. I never quite get far enough ‘away’ from my body to the point that William Buhlman describes, when you no longer associate with your physical form, in the prime state of mind to unattach from it.

My Other cannot visualize well at all. He never has been able to. As I have opened Doors and explored worlds and taken succor from my master he has looked on longingly, which is nothing if not ironic, because he is so pure he might as well be a master himself.

Third Eye Image

He explained that when he visualizes, it’s not an image per se, but a formal concept in his mind rather than behind his eyes. This caused me to try to visualize in the way he described himself to do. Visualization of the mind is higher, so to speak, than behind the eyes. The image is ‘seen’ in the “third eye” region, and though I knew this from practice with the blank screen technique, I’d never really put the thought to use such as I did last night.

It’s much easier to hold on to the image in some concrete way there, in the forehead region, than it is to attempt to form an image behind the eyes. Unfortuanately the housemate, who has been gone for a week, walked through the door when I was in the deepest meditative state, which frightened me terribly. After that my mind wouldn’t come out of the thought phase, bounding around from one thought to the next. I went up to bed and didn’t come back down til morning.

However, I do feel that focus on the image in the mind will be more successful than behind the eyes. It is this that I will practice tonight.


Focus in the mind does work quite well. It has occured to me that in the notes of Night Twenty Four I solved my own problem without even realizing it. The way I focus best is when I’m using the mental technique to Go places such as my 64 Doors, which is the first thought about where to go upon leaving my body and meeting with my master. Why wait until I meet with him to go there, when I can go any time I want? I’ve read in many books, especially my “bible” Eckankar: The Key To Secret Worlds by Paul Twitchell, that to ‘imagine the journey fulfilled’ is the most potent way to leave the body. I’ve always struggled with the idea of that, but after last night I understand.

Recreation of a place in the mind causes the soul to appear there when moved out of the physical realm. Remember, in the ‘soul dimension’, thought is how one travels, not movement of the body. That is why it’s so important to learn how to silence the mind, to traverse the ‘thought responsive’ worlds, as Buhlman puts it, before we leave the body, or else we will find ourselves transported with every thought we think, which could be troublesome.

Obviously, not everyone has such a place to imagine. But you do have a favourite spot; the tree you like to sit under at the park, the bedroom you stay in when you visit your parents, etc. It can be anywhere.

Instead of struggling with focus on the infinity symbol last night I spent time at the Doors, peering through them into those rooms that can be seen from outside. Door One is an empty clay room, but for a golden medallion in the center of the concave floor. Door Three is next to Door One (they aren’t in common order) is a recessed cave with a large pillar in the middle of the room and a sort of small arena at the far end. I looked inside, observing the dimensions of the room. I attuned my senses to the earthy scent of it, heard the willows moving with the wind outside. I watched the rice patties on the white beach swaying in the wind and followed the waterline of the rainwater lake around its circumference, ‘fleshing’ the place out in my minds eye. Having been here some hundreds of times it’s easy to visualize. In fact, I found it more vivid last night than many times I’ve been there.

I was just getting to the vibrational stage of feeling as if I were on a boat on the ocean when the housemate began coming in and out to smoke. After awhile I realized he wasn’t going to sleep and I went to bed, but I’m very much excited that I got that far, after nights of no progress at all.

Further, I’ve returned to the previous ‘scientific method’ that I was using before: senselessness, thoughtlessness and formlessness spoken of in night fifteen’s notes. It occured to me that once I abandoned these ideas, thinking that I was complicating things too much, I had no more success getting to the vibrational stage. Last night I made it a point to focus on relaxing my body first, my thoughts silenced after, holding focus on the Doors while I did this. I will do this again tonight, and hopefully have less to distract me.


I think it’s time I make peace with my fears.

I hear the Next calling me. Whether or not I ever make it there in this lifetime, it is always calling me. It is calling us all. I watch young adults stream into the Student Center at my school wondering…who amongst them knows? Who is searching like me? You can’t tell us by the way we dress, the way we speak, the music we listen to, the people we hang out with.

What would be the downfall of me never physically leaving my body? No such conclusion is important. I progress at a rate that is best for me, despite what I think I want or need. I cannot push myself to go further than I am able, nor should I.

Tasik Kenyir 2

These past two nights I have explored my 64 Doors more in depth than I ever have. The peace of that place settles over me even in physical life. I’ve discovered many surprising details that I’ve never noticed before, such as stairways I’d never seen before, doors I’d never known were open and details about my surroundings I’d never taken the time to pay attention to. Perhaps I cannot be there as physically as if I were out of body, but the mental technique provides me with a real enough experience. I see the wind blowing in the trees. The sun shines on the deep green of the rainwater lake in stripes that penetrate beyond the surface. The air is fresh, devoid of the pollution I breathe even now. It smells spiced, somehow primal. All is silent but for the movements and stirrings of nature.

Tasik Kenyir, Malaysia

If all I ever had was the Doors, and the places my master took me with this mental technique, I would continue to grow more and more joyous each day, just as I have these many years. I would continue to perfect my soul by giving kindness to myself and others. Perhaps I would not be able to overcome the deeply~rooted neuroses of the addictive personality and the ongoing conflict of creating pain in my body, but I would continue to be joyous despite these.

I’m losing nothing.

If my eagerness to physically leave my body, or a fear that I cannot, or a worry that I am not doing something right are keeping me from Leaving, I lay them aside here and now. I’ve come to realize that what I’ve begun here cannot be stopped. This is no longer a 30 day practice but a lifelong one, although I will only post on this page for two more days for pity’s sake of those who might read it.


Not everyone has a 64 Doors to go to, and I created this post to show the world that you don’t need to have any special abilities or previous knowledge to leave your body. I say to you here and now that taking on this challenge will improve your life, whether or not you are successful. I hope that I have shown that progress can be made, and that undertaking this practice doesn’t interfere with daily life at all. I have never once felt as if I’ve lost sleep, or not been able to keep up on my homework.

If you decide that it is time for you to undertake such a practice then you will. If you are not yet ready no amount of wishing you were will get you there. I think the secret is to be YOU, just as you are now, and be okay with the you that you are now. Every new plateau of awakening you reach, you invariably look back and realize that you couldn’t have gotten there any sooner than you did.

The next two nights I will go to the couch and do what I do, but not with the desperation of the past few nights but with peace. I have succeeded in meditating every night for at least an hour, which is something I never ‘had time’ for. I have fleshed out the Doors more in three or four nights than in the previous ten years of visiting them, and now am excited to go there each night and get to know the lake better.

Kenyir 3

 And when I do accomplish leaving my physical body I will begin a new post detailing the information I have made note of. Here goes nothing.


I began at Door One, standing in front of it and peering in. I turned and looked back at the beach, not sure where to go next. It has occured to me that the path through the small rice patties is one the Senoi tribe takes to get water and perhaps fish from the rainwater lake. Their village is further back, in a forest whose trees are taller than those surrounding the lake.


I’ve never been to their village, never felt the need to go. I think part of me doesn’t want to intrude. Another part of me is still afraid of going anywhere new. Fear of trusting our imagination is so ingrained within us. All these years it’s never quiet left me, even with all the proof I’ve had that what I was experiencing was real. Malaysia and Borneo are, in fact, home to rainwater lakes. They do have rice patties, which the orang asli, or Senoi Indians, depend on for survival. The man who first greeted me on the lake looks like the Senoi tribe.

These facts took much time to compile. It wasn’t until I saw a picture of the ‘keeper’ of the lake in a book I’d been reading: Richard Moss’s “Creative Dreaming”, which spoke of the Senoi tribes and his time among them, that I knew what to look for.

I decided not to go to the village, to re~visit other Doors instead, but the intent was already out there. As soon as I drifted off to sleep I came to at the edge of a clearing. I was standing in front of a brown longhouse, realizing that I was in the village. This was shocking to me because I had just decided not to go to the village. What was there to do but enter?

I passed a thick corner of rainforest underbrush and came into the clearing fully. Three longhouses stood without stilts, shorter and a darker brown than the usual greywood shacks I’ve seen in images online. It seemed there was no one there and I wondered if it hadn’t been abandoned.A man stuck his head around the side of a house and smiled at me. He had huge, spacey teeth that made his grin precious. He beckoned me to come to him. Once I passed the first longhouse I saw that there were, in fact, many people there. Several older women, one near a fire, another couple working with thatch. When they saw me they put their work aside and stood, seeming really happy to see me, which was humbling. Much to my surprise they went and gathered instruments and played a welcoming song for me. It was unlike any song I’d ever heard…parts of it sounded like Native American singing, some of it sounded Asian. One instrument looked like some sort of long ocarina, but while the woman played it she also slapped it as if it were a drum. It was such a sweet song, so heartfelt. The people were all so joyous and at ease, though I felt a bit uncomforable being the focus of so much attention.

When it was done they all smiled and nodded and went back to what they were doing. I looked at the man with big teeth, who had a knowing look on his face. I nodded at him and he nodded back, gesturing to the path leading back to the lake. Here it is odd, because I got up to leave, but it’s as if I began to dream before I ever left the village.

I woke up on a makeshift ladder, crawling down it with other Senoi into a cave. I was confused at how I came to be there, so I stopped crawling down and went back up. Later, there was a woman with really short, white hair who I had come to adore. I remember looking at her as she boiled some roots on the fire and thinking how much I liked her. It seems I grew close to her quickly, in the span of the day I spent with the tribe. You’ll find this happens often in experiences like this. Some things are experienced without your actual ‘being’ there. Some of it is teachings you are not yet ready for, but once you are the full memory will come back to you.

Of course, I was very excited to tell my Other about this experience. Since the solving of the Eighth Door nothing new has happened there. I never expected to meet the tribe, not sure why it’s never occured to me before.


It’s been a long journey. Night thirty I focused on the infinity symbol, had some really interesting dreams and woke up the next morning refreshed. Since I had success reaching the vibrational stage while focusing on the symbol, I think I will begin a second thirty~day session focusing on nothing but it and see where it takes me. Sometime in the next three weeks or so I will be taking my third shamanic journey, perhaps that will break me out of whatever is holding me back from leaving my body. Whether or not anyone ever reads this I’m glad I did it. Feeling responsible for putting it in writing each day caused me to be able to create a much~needed habit, if nothing else I have this to be thankful for.

Dreams Can Change Your World


The Senoi Indians of Malaysia live their lives around dreaming. They wake in the morning in longhouses which house not only themselves and their children, but their children’s children and their parents and possbily even grandparents. Families all share the morning meal, and it is at this time that the children share their dreams. If a young boy dreams of being eaten by a tiger, the elders of the family will explain that next time he dreams of the tiger, he must provide himself a spear to kill it with. By age ten, Senoi children no longer have nightmares. They have learned to control their dreams.

After the entire family has discussed their dreams together and breakfast is cleared the family begins craft time, creating physical renditions of things they dreamed about. They paint pictures or symbols, they make baskets and write stories. If a man dreams about taking another man’s knife he will apologise to him. In this way the Senoi tribesman live at peace with one another and work together fluidly. They do not fight amongst themselves nor war with other tribes. They are in fact surrounded by many warlike groups, but even the most malevolent of factions stay clear of them due to their “dream magic”.


It’s interesting that humanity’s most important abilities are those that have come to be considered the most fantastical. We believe every word that science tells us yet, when it comes to those areas of the brain that cross over into the mystic, science quickly becomes discredited, tabooed and categorized as “new age”.

But this is a new age, and science and spirituality are meeting on fronts that have never before been crossed. Simultaneously, the average working man finds few moments in which to explore these new possibilities. Quite often this is seen as a game~ender, as people excuse themselves from their practices due to time constraints. I see this as a quickening, a sign of overall advancement. The lessons are getting harder and there is little time to study for the tests of life. Either we take the time to get A’s or we slide by with C’s, it’s our choice.


Few people will take the time to advance themselves spiritually, but I believe that is and has always been the way of things. Those who work for PhD’s are much fewer than those in first grade. In the advancement of soul we return to grades we’ve previously passed again and again, in order to further learn the lessons presented there. Thus, no man is above another, but some are at the point in the cycle that they are less prone to sit around and let life pass them by.

If something is important to us we find time for it. I always seem to find the time to stop by the gas station in the morning to get my favourite unsweet raspberry tea, even when I didn’t have the time to do other things. It stands to reason that if a spiritual practice were enticing or simple enough, we would all find the time to do it.

Again, this is why I’ve come online, with the express purpose of sharing my maps that others may find easy routes through mountains more difficult to traverse alone. There are many teachers out there these days, most of whom are infinitely more knowledged than I. But I thought it was important to show the very beginnings of my travels, that those who are also beginning can share their maps as well, and those who have not yet begun can see that there is, in fact, time to aspire to any heights. The quicker you take small steps towards your goals the quicker you will get there. All one needs do is take up the mantle, fitting method and practice in to those times when we are forced to stop and take a breath. Spiritual practice is actually the easiest of anything we do in our lives. It takes up the least space and is best suited for the moments when nothing else is going on.

Such is the way with dreaming. In Vera Stanley Alder’s book “The Finding of the Third Eye” (which can be read in its entirity on the page “Knowledge is power.” by scelestious), she gives the best advice on the importance of dreams and how to remember them. Dreams become most beneficial when we write them down every morning, but many of us simply do not have the time to do so. I’ve always been a dreamer, and have many dream logs beside my bed. The points in my life when I have written my dreams down every night I’ve found they have changed my world considerably.

The more attention you pay to your dreams, the more attention they pay to you. You begin with a dream about a horse eating grass in a field and end with a dream about a white horse with black spots across his backside, dusty hair that blows away from his warm brown eyes, eating the choicest, emerald clover from between stalks of tan wheat and mauve wildflowers while a redtail hawk circles above, crying for its lost mate towards a setting sun of salmon, orange and turquoise. You can see how long it might take to write down all the details as dreams deepen and texture on every level. So what is left for us who seem to have no time? Assuming that when we sleep we are merely asleep, nothing. But we are not merely asleep.

William Buhlman has been leaving his body every night for 40 years. He says that everyone moves “out of phase”, as he explains it, two or three inches from their physical bodies each night. It is this state in which we dream. A third of our lives are spent in this state, and we can take small steps towards making use of these hours to our utmost benefit.

What is the benefit? I find that the solving of problems is the most beneficial. As a college student I come up against barriers when writing papers or solving mathematical problems. As a homeowner, I come upon problems with the upkeep of my house. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve awakened in the morning with the answer to my problem in my head, whether or not I’d dreamt about it that night, by simply asking myself to remember what occured while I was asleep.

Without thoughts to inhibit them, the creative and logical parts of our brains process complex information better. A recent study in the Journal of Current Biology shows that complex thought goes on in dreamstates as if we were awake, organizing information and troubleshooting while we are unconsciouus. If we ask our subconscious to remind us what we would normally forget on waking it will, gladly, and I can attest to this fact.

But the main benefit, which I speak of frequently, is having positive work to do during the day to divert thoughts away from the negative state of the world around us. When you can remember your dreams enough to ponder their meanings while brushing your teeth or driving to work, you have a better chance of setting aside morning stress or worry for what is to come during the day.

We genuinely believe that worry is beneficial, and that we will forget things if we loosen the reigns and let the subconscious flow. This idea is anything but true. In fact, our subconscious is the most astute note~taker and personal calendar that we have. It’s worry that gets in the way of it. Anything that diverts our attention away from the worry of our world and puts us in a more positive state is beneficial.

We can use the memory of our dreams during the day when it’s easy to get lost in the politics of the office or the painful physical work of the trades. What traps us most is the actions of others. I’m sure most of us feel that if it weren’t for others we would be just fine. But we can learn to live alongside others in perfect harmony, despite popular belief. They will always have the choice to be as they are. It is up to us to change ourselves to wave with the blow of the wind instead of staying rigid and breaking. This gentle allowance gives people the right to be their best when in your presence. You can’t imagine how much even the hardest person softens in the presence of such allowance.

Perhaps my boss demands something in a less~than~polite way. I can then choose to allow that to make me mad, dwelling on the self~righteous behaviour behind it. This will catapult me into further negative thought, such as the last time he spoke to me that way and how unfair it was, and all the things about him that give me reason to resent his behaviour. Soon I’m on the track to having a horrid day, judging him despite all the kindness he has shown me in the past, devoid of the compassionate consideration to what he may be experiencing that has caused him to react to me in this way.

It is times like these when one needs a little magick to enter the scene. If I can catch myself before I get too deep into negative thought, I can change my thought patterns and reverse the flow. If I turn my mind to the dream fragment I woke up remembering, I can soon busy my mind with something other than my boss’s attitude, which in turn allows my boss to get over whatever was troubling him…or not. We don’t have the power to change others. If they wish to hold on to negativity that’s literally their problem. If we can keep it from being our problem we are on the right track.

daydream at work

You won’t always find the meanings of your dreams, sometimes it’s confounding to discover why your brain has used certain physical representations to display non~physical ideas. It uses our identifications and preferences to form the night’s dreams or travels into representations that we can, with introspection, connect like dots to form a full picture. But in the cases when I simply can’t seem to make the connections between my dream characters or events to real~life situations I’ve experienced, that I turn towards re~writing the story of my dream in my own mind, which is a Senoi Dream Technique.

Simply imagine what you would want to have happened in your dream. If you were attacked, re~write the dream in your own mind, imagining yourself fighting back and vanquishing your foe. If you woke up just before something would have happened, continue the dream on from that point, writing the storyline the way you would have wanted it to turn out. With small steps such as this we can condition ourselves to stay focused on the exciting aspects of the brain’s capabilities and less on the physicality of the soul, which is the purest essence of what we really are.

I will post this technique and others in a page entitled “Dreamwork On The Go”

Further Information:

The Brain In Dreamstate:

Senoi Indian Dream Theory:

An Acclamation of Bonds


“Dark is the spirit of my token. Dark is my call.”                                                                     Emperor Encorcelled by Khaos

“We have lost sight
Of the night-side of the self
Hunted by the fear
Of reunion
Night-sight is bliss
For he who dares look into
A world where you embrace the opposite
Where you are whole

There is no lasting joy
In numbness and dogma
Too much is too little in knowledge
Driven by mystery”                                                                                                                                       Enslaved Night-sight

The average person looks at a yin yang symbol and immediately thinks ‘Good v/s Evil’, but that is simply not the case. It’s ingrained in us from a young age, through many different channels. Religions see “darkness” as a detrimental force, something controlled by the devil harbouring hatred and advocating ill intent. But darkness is a physical absence and nothing more, a space not yet filled by light. It is an empty vessel, a place to go when rest is needed. When the soul is freed from the sheaths that protect its delicacy from raw physical vibration, it no longer requires darkness or sleep. Its surroundings correspond to its needs or desires. I’ve read that in most advanced planes the sun never sets at all. I will enjoy the dark that Earth has to offer as long as I am here.

While it is true that those who associate with evil are drawn towards darkness, they are the honest ones, for lost is he who hides ill will in the light of day. One cannot look at a man and know his intent, the many infamous cult leaders and misdirected religious heads are evidence of this. Neither can one look at a woman and see beyond the black clothing, talismanic jewelry and tattoos and know that inside her is the deepest love for humankind. Truly it is rare to find us, those Light-givers living in Darkness, though I think there are many more than we realize. In fact, I began this blog in hopes of gathering us together, for we are the heralds of something previously unknown to this world, a unique gift whose light shines in the darkest reaches. I have named us the Hexen, and I meet more of them every age. It is always a welcomed reunion. The Acclamation Of Bonds:

“Brethren and sisters of my circle,
I acclaim thee all.
When guiding stars are clouded and deranged,
fear not to take my hand.

The bonds of trust and unity.
As gods received
till the end.”

With the 1990’s rise of symphonic black metal from the North came the first known “darkness” with such a tender soul, a generation that rejected the illusions common to society by representing the antithesis of them. Yes, this darkness was made famous for professing witchcraft and Satan worship, but from behind the outer layers a glittering intelligence burst forth whose destiny was to map out the lies of man in search for a deeper understanding of self. Rebellion takes many forms.

Historically, “light” began the turn of these souls towards darkness in search of the pagan gods of olde. The Lutheran faith infiltrated Norway and rescended its right to worship Norse gods, who had endured in their belief systems for many hundreds of years.  These young adults of the ’90’s, unhappy with the state of the world, distanced from their Viking ancestors by the forced fealty of religion, rejected society’s demands and forged out in the opposite direction, rekindling a reverence for those who came before them. The vast majority of these youth were simply wounded and/or misunderstood,  as is the case with most of the tattooed, black-clad youth of today.

Darkness was my friend long before I was told it was bad. Black was my favourite colour from age seven. As a child I spent much time removed from others, one with nature, storms and the nightsky. Once I had been taught that it was something to fear I still gravitated towards it even as I was afraid of it. I was touched by sorrow, drawn towards hurting things, bourne of a need to gather suffering unto myself before I even knew why. My mother says I would always know when she was suffering, even if she hid it from me. That empathic gift would be my downfall long before it became a blessing, but once it bloomed it embraced the entire world.

I loved metal music the moment I heard it. Having come to believe that “God” was a man in the sky that looked upon me with disdain, I welcomed anything that rejected “Him” as the rejected became the rejector. While my twin sister’s nature was to try and appease this god, it was in my nature to rebel against it and so I did with a fervor. She became a devout Christian and I became interested in witchcraft. What a joy it has been to find these many years later that our paths have both taken us to the same end.

It was Emperor’s symphonic black metal, the very genre that professes “God” does not exist, that turned me towards the idea of god. The secret is this: our source energy reaches out to us through whatever paths we choose. Every path leads back to it and yet we are it, returning to ourselves. Each one of us is a god who came here to know the Darkness and the Light, to experience pain and sorrow equally with release and joy, that we may experience all things that exist in all universes. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of man, one religion against another, one colour against another, one musical preference versus another. Just as the nun sings her songs in the convent so the aborigine in the wilds of Australia worships in his way and sings his own songs. So the metal band growls out the deepest questions of man, the philosophies of a new age in which the tide has turned towards change.

“For once I wish to see
the entity behind the voice.
The face of this seduction,
the beauty of my pain.

Am I blessed or am I cursed by thy presence?
What is my crime, what is my deed?
Is this life my redemption?
Shall I repent or proceed?

I hate my flesh.
Its dimension poisoned my soul with doubt.
It made me question
the essence of the “I”.
Slaves are those of this world
given freedom to lay chains upon The Master.”

It was these words that woke me. I knew there was a power greater within me, but the confusion caused by my belief of darkness as evil made me think that it was evil that called me, even as I was rejected by it. As this growling philosopher, Vegard Sverre Tveitan, questioned his own soul and the world around him through lyrics and music, so I began a quest of my own. Through his unflinchingly honest chronicles I found strength, faced my ideas of god for the first time and realized I’d been rejecting “Him” because “He” was not what awaited me. Those songs were with me when I found my ascended master, as well as the day a Viking ship floated down from the sky in a field, ushering in the sunlight, which presented itself to me as an Energy that could not be denied. I do not think of god in terms of common man. Between us there is no difference but that It is where I am headed on the eternal road to integration.

My Brother’s walk paralleled mine for many years until I turned from his Left path towards my own, a direction that would move me above the weight of Earth. Every path is experience gained, one is no more true than another. Once I knew of the power that existed in the universe I fell briefly away from metal, listening to world music because I believed that carrying Light made it my duty to do so. But the darkness inside of me had been an empty vessel waiting to be filled, and metal had a way of presenting itself time and time again when I most needed to be reminded what was real.

Eventually I realized that I am beautiful just as I am, and that darkness, inherent in me since birth, is my chosen direction for this life. Both dark and light live inside me together, as they do all of us.

Since then there have been other bands who scream out spiritual lessons. Some of these take the listener to dark planes, the Left Hand Path, some of them to light, the Right Hand Path. There is a Middle Road, the dark/light mix, ever-quickening towards Source, and it is where I want to go.

Beyond the physical worlds our ideas of evil and good intermingle. There is a Dark Presence out there, make no mistake, but only if we design it, as the only real state that exists is that of love. All roads make way to home, and dark presents opportunities for the light and vice versa.

The death metal bands of today have taken on the banner of spirituality, in fact it has become quite a fad to use cosmic or astral nomenclature in the name of bands, song names and lyrics. I’m sure a few of these are nothing more than the fad, but any fad which brings spirituality into consideration is a useful one. Those who are serious about their message are speaking to fans considered the most extreme of their kind, which I think is an amazing accomplishment. You won’t find death metal fans in the pews at church.

The metal album that has helped me the most these past few years is from the band Enslaved.  This album, entitled Axioma Ethica Odini, was my teacher during a most difficult time. Every day. every song spoke the reality of a different aspect of my situation, causing me to move with miraculous grace through moments that would otherwise have been much more difficult. Each time darkness showed me what love could do I loved myself more, an important endeavor for any of us to undertake.

The song “Ethica Odini” speaks directly to those who kill in the name of God (Search beyond the blinded eyes/Listen before you preach/Don’t leave yourself behind/Honor life, when life has ceased). “Waruun” speaks of self-deceit and the worship of constructs (Feared dissonance kept away – nails on stone/As darkness descends/Can’t find your way out of here/Yet… It was built by you). “The Beacon” calls us to ask the elders for help (I walked this far myself/My blood dripped from my knife/I awoke, and was alive/I did no longer weep/I saw my beacon,/I ran to aid). “Axioma” warns us against focusing on others karma (Fear not the settlement with those who fear the truth). “Giants” calls us to return within (See through the flesh/See past the soul/Feel the pulsing twilight/Domain of unborn thoughts/Go back, Unveil/Approach the cosmic womb). “Singular” is a powerful song of the Narrow Way, the lonely path to god (Alone in the daylight/One with reality/Shaped by the inner glow/Determination – I/All can be reached from within). “Lightening” warns against the martyr spirit (You fight the wars for your kin/You leave yourself behind/This settlement, you can’t win/The inner eye is blind).

And then there’s “Raidho”, an ancient text all its own, the path unfolding in all its bloody humanity and beauty. Raidho is my rune, and this song the foreversong of my soul in the union of stillness and change.


This journey without movement
Heading out for no-man’s land
The way ahead my only ally
Early hours, in the silence

This credence keeps me upright
Through the storms and disasters
A straight line towards the unknown end
Deceit waits on the back roads

This unwavering inner
Keeps fear a welcomed pointer
I, uprooted, now the fertile soil
As plot and shadows thicken

This juggernaut cannot be stopped
On any scale or planet
Ghostly tracks in my wake and ahead
An experience, cannot be shared

Wheels of time
Keep them turning
Carriage of concepts
Circling the planes

Lightless voyage, blinding speeds
Certain; I’ll stay the distance
Abstract shapes, enigmatic design
I know enough to endure

Lightless corridors, ageless
Contradictory engines run high
Deeper and further above

Journey of no promises
Beyond the lust for rewards
Focus on the movement of the Wheel
Union of stillness and change

Journey of the ages all
I’ll follow outside the edge
Breath, blood, sacrifice and bleeding eyes
Unending journey ahead

Be Here NowFrom the book “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass, et. al.

Gaining a Soul~full State of Mind

astral states

When considering how to begin preparing for an out of body experience it’s often easy to be overwhelmed. Most of us come home from work to do housework, having little time to relax before bed. It’s typical to fall asleep when attempting any sort of practice in the few minutes that we have to do so. We may live with others whose schedules are different from our own or have little time alone, making any practice difficult to achieve.

However, this is a crucial time in the neophyte’s life, when the realization of our innate abilities to tap into the mystical can often catapult us away from associating ourselves with the woes of the world. If you can learn to explore you provide yourself with positive thoughts and memories to draw from during days in which the weight of physicality might otherwise press down on you. It can begin the process of movement away from bad habits, addictions, obsessions and negative states that, otherwise, you would circle helplessly through with no escape. Realizing that magick is real and that it can be yours lifts you from hot soil into the cool realms of infinite possibility.

When I first began considering these things I was reading an old book called “Eckankar: Keys To Secret Worlds” by Paul Twitchell, my version of the Bible. There are many suggestions presented, such as the 360 Degrees Technique in which one imagines oneself as a spot on the ceiling. You look down upon yourself night after night, eventually cultivating a 360 degree viewpoint through the roof and walls. Though I practiced the many techniques described in the book, I could never be sure that what I was experiencing was real or if I was just making it up. I wanted to do it right, to know it was real, so I became hesitant to work in the realms of imagination.

But every practice that is suggested for gaining this state of mind has to do with imagination, one of the main ingredients when passing on to the Next of Things. Don’t be fooled into thinking that imagination is not important, or not real. It is said that everything created by the imagination of man exists on some plane. If your plan of advancement is to return to this plane or another like it, a physcial plane, then you’ll be born into another body and grow up just as you have before. However, those searching for ascension will need to develop tools that are used in the non-physical worlds, such as focus and imagination.


I’ve only physically left my body a couple of times with help, but I’ll discuss here why leaving your body with the Tibetan mental technique is every bit as trustworthy as physical projection. True, literal projection is a physical experience, when interactions with ascended masters are longer lasting and more interactive, but it’s helpful to get comfortable with these ideas alone first before one even gets to the point of actual projection. This is the path my master set me upon, a path I took many years before ever actually projecting. I can’t help but wonder whether my mental technique experiences allowed me to go as far out of body as I did when it finally happened.

I began with a song. Music can divert us from what is going on around us if we have little time alone, or if we live in a house with others whose noises would prevent us from focusing. Personally, every experience worth noting has been to music, though it will not always be so.

I would play the song on repeat and imagine myself leaving my body. Using what knowledge I had of my surroundings I began to explore; my back yard at that time, the highway behind it, the cow pasture to the other side of it and the huge, white water tower beyond. I would swirl up and around the water tower, fly alongside the cars I could hear passing by on the highway. I would look in to car windows, imagine who I would see there. It’s important to allow yourself to create, it doesn’t have to be what is real, it can be any explicit design. The more detail you add the more real you make it, and the more practice your imagination gets. Trust in oneself is crucial to soul travel, that means trusting your imagination as much as your own eyes.

Eventually I expanded my flight pattern. Driving is an excellent time to work on any technique. While driving, I would begin to leave myself places that I passed that were beautiful to me. I would imagine myself standing there watching myself drive by. You can do this simultaneously while driving, don’t worry that you’ll run off the road. It’s the same process as the thoughts and memories you return to while driving on the average day.

At first I would watch myself drive away, and then I began to perfect the Leave Yourself Behind technique . I would imagine smelling the flowers in the field. I would try to imagine fish swimming beneath the surface of a pond and how the light reflected off of the surface. I would try to make the place as real to me as I could.

Soon I found myself considering going further. I have always wanted to visit Norway, a country I am most fascinated with. I looked at a general map of the world and saw that I would need to cross the U.S. to New York, which would be the most direct route nor-noreast across the ocean to Norway. Of course, it would be difficult to imagine every single stop along the way, so I generalized my vision of following random interstates, creating interesting and beautiful night landscapes to fly over, eventually coming to the ocean.

With the song playing I flew myself to Norway, dipping and diving into the water, playing with its rising and falling parts to the beat. The moone would watch me dance as I skimmed across the surface, delving into the waves, swimming with behemoth whales and sharks. When I finally came to land I imagined it was Norway, heading towards the city that I wanted to visit, Notodden, having previous knowledge of its general location. I imagined myself flying to the house of the composers of the very song I was listening to, seeing the female singer staring out the window at me.


I did this night after night, becoming more proficient by looking up images of Notodden that I could better create the landscape around me. I began to believe that what I was experiencing was real until it occured to me that the sun would be rising over the waters to Norway, a seven hour time difference from the U.S. This caused me to reject my practice, because I had only ever seen the moone over the ocean. I decided that I was making it all up and quit flying for awhile. It was only lack of faith in myself, as I would soon come to find.

But the wonder of it, sheer exploration in an age when I was destitute and desperate, called to me. Soon I was flying again, all to that same song which I had become familiar with, choreographing my dance over the ocean until I knew it by heart. But that began to feel less like free motion and more a specific, forced habit, so eventually I stopped listening to the song and went without it.

It was this first, music-less journey that I passed over an intensely green island just before England, whose emerald depths were exquisite in the morning sun. At this time I had no concrete knowledge of the world or the placement of countries. Every new visit to Norway I would pass it. Eventually I got a more detailed map and looked it up. Ireland. The realization that I was experiencing something altogether real was cause for celebration, but at that time I had no one to tell. It truly is a lonely road to liberation.

One such journey I came to a city that looked very much like what I would imagine Venice, Italy to be. The houses and offices were built directly on the water. This, too, disheartened me because I thought I was incorrect in my creation. Again I lost faith in myself, even after the discovery of Ireland. But I had strayed north, ending up in Ålesund, Norway, which looks very much like Venice to the untrained eye. It was then that I fully came to trust my imagination.

Could I have possibly seen Ireland on some previous map and just not realized it? Could I have watched a movie that was filmed in Ålesund years before I came to love the country, thus having some stored memory of what it looks like? Quite possibly, but none of that matters. Since then my master has taken me to other planes. I have created worlds with my mind, never having left my body. Whether any of it is real doesn’t matter, it has changed my life in the most amazing and exquisite ways, and has caused me to experience a joy that I didn’t believe could be possible as a human on Earth.

I will put these techniques and others on a page entitled “Soulwork”, for easy access.

Ålesund, Norway

Ålesund, Norway

Venice, Italy

Venice, Italy

The “M” Word: Who Has Time To Meditate?


For years there has been little time to meditate. When I have found the time I’ve largely been unsuccessful, my mind bouncing around robotically. The single practice that would cause me to integrate the fastest is the very practice I have no time to perform. Though my master is always available I’ve rarely gone to him, honestly because I’ve felt unworthy to waste his time. He’s an astral being after all, no doubt he trains the purest souls, the most advanced souls that have perfected meditation and even transcended it. However, the time I’ve spent shaming myself for not having meditated I could have just been meditating.

How many times can I use the word time? The reality is that I’ve simply not been prepared for the discipline meditation requires, and deriding myself has only kept me from it. The walk towards any destination may seem to take forever, but there’s an eternity awaiting, and years of your life are nothing more than the blink of an eye in the Next.

We forget magick exists. We forget that we can advance exponentially the more we sink into self-acceptance. We gain a level and look back to see that we couldn’t have been ready before it was time. The quicker you learn to be okay with exactly who you are Hereandnow, the faster you advance.

All this time I haven’t been meditating, I’ve been living the life I came here to live. That’s practice. That is walking the path, and it’s all my master would ask of me. Every waking breath is walking the path, but because we keep getting lost in the illusion it’s easy to feel like we are not advancing, or even that we are back-sliding. There is no such thing, that’s just more of the illusion.

This sudden ability to hold focus and allow thoughts to pass like clouds began as all epiphanies do: Magick. The solving of the Eighth Door, Duality, lead me to youtube. I had been listening to Ram Dass videos on duality, and one in particular was a meditation (there are so many, I’ll get back to you when I remember which one) in which he suggested the group imagine that the air was full of a gold mist. He asked the group to take deep breaths and inhale the gold mist, and exhale all the anger, sorrow, pain, every negative emotion they were clinging to, allowing the gold mist to enter the heart first and the body next. He asked that, to humor him (he’s such a joker), the audience imagine that there are spirit guides in the mist waiting to help, spirits which have specifically stayed close to us instead of surrendering to the bliss of Next, that they may be available to guide us.

I was doing the meditation and suddenly he said “Do you feel that? That guilt? Let go of that guilt right now.” and I realized that I had felt guilt for so many things that I’d not even realized. Ram Dass explained that ‘grace’ is when a spirit guide literally takes on something that is too heavy for you to carry, something you can’t seem to work through on your own.

I’ve always heard this, but have been too stubborn to ask my master for help. In that moment I was desperate, because some unnamed emotion had caused consistent physical pain in me, debilitating pain that makes me miss days of work and school. I’d not been able to find any cause until that moment. I asked for the guilt to be taken from me, and it was.

This caused a great deal of euphoria. For weeks afterwards I was in a constant psyche-delic state in which I was able to hold perfect focus. In this state every relationship was profoundly deepened. I touched people in a way that I never had before. All judgements were gone and I was able to be a true friend, and because of that they were able to be what they were meant to be as well. More miraculous moments spawned in those weeks than ever had before; even the wind played the hairs of my head in perfect time to the music that I listened to, until I found myself speechless in the great Awe of All Existence, moved beyond ability to express it while at the same time calm and quiet inside. Suddenly excessive, obsessive highs were as distasteful to me as depressive lows, because center is an ecstasy that cannot be compared. Simultaneously (it was all waves, all life is in waves) I was given cause to have many obsessions, many dreams becoming reality yet, I did not lose myself in them, choosing the Middle Road instead. And most importantly, I had no physical pain.

Incidentally, when I returned to that Ram Dass video I found that he’d never once mentioned guilt. That message had been for me and me alone. Guides truly are everywhere, we need only listen to hear their lessons.

That ability to hold perfect focus is gone now, a glimpse of what I could become with meditation. Even during that time I knew it would fade, but I was in the flow and knew that not even that mattered. When I ‘came down’, I found that I had become prepared to begin the journey towards focus and center.

My pain has returned, but I have tools now to release it. I’ve stopped migraines that would have before been inevitable. I’ve reversed pinched nerves and locked up muscles by doing the center-point technique I will describe in detail on the page entitled “Tips for Meditation in a Chaos Age”. I will update the list as I find new techniques along the way, and as always feel free to leave your own.

Illusion’s Dance of Good and Evil

Illusion Three

“In life we will die over and over again, until the day that we can walk the earth with only our immortality left.” ~ Teal Swan

In these times, religions continue their advocacy for “good”, viewing “evil” as that which consistently attempts to thwart it. Life is an enthymeme whose warrant we fulfill with words like ‘humanity’, ‘godliness’ and ‘reason’. We look to the archaic texts for what is good and bad, which is protected behind the boundaries of man’s punish and reward system of common thought. With these mistaken axioms in tow, we reward or punish our children and our fellow man based on the physically accessible, general truths of planet Earth, despite what our heart and soul tell us is best.

The philosophical man contemplates modern society’s mythological worldviews with a four dimensional awareness of what lies beneath, attempting to scribble in the missing components of the puzzle. If one looks one finds that the warrant itself (anything that goes against man’s conglomerate idea of goodness is bad) is a limited view of the bigger picture. That bigger picture, to me, looks like ‘good’ and ‘bad’ working together for a common cause.

“Truth is found neither in the thesis nor antithesis, but in an emergent synthesis which reconciles the two.” said Hegel. I find this to be the basis of my personal philosophy. On both cosmic and molecular levels, what may seem like death or destruction is, in fact, re~creation and incarnation. The process of change towards progression may look elementally different than one might imagine.

For instance, a supernova causes a star to explode. Yet, new worlds are formed from its death, new life created with the components of the blast. Proteins die in the synapses of the brain so that others can form, based on new information gathered. In that same sense, man can improve himself by questioning old information and incorporating new data which draws him ever closer to the most complete understanding he can attain for his current level of comprehension.

Humans tend to consider things as ‘wholly good’ or ‘wholly bad’. Consider this: which is worse, anger or sorrow? Both may be considered to be bad, but on the emotional scale anger might result in a brighter outcome. If one gets angry at the world to keep from ending one’s own life, anger might be a step up from annihilation. If one gets depressed and does not act on their desire to kill another person, sorrow is the step up.

A serial killer kills because he/she perceives that it will satisfy an urge or ease suffering. Does that make killing good? No, but it helps us to see that man’s action is defined by that which he perceives will make him feel better. That’s not to say that there should be no repercussions for the actions of man. Were there no laws against it, even those who might not have been murderers may do so, in moments of extreme emotion.

What if the only good were the advancement of the soul? It would certainly simplify things. In our self~importance we believe that human life is of utmost value. We turn up our noses at abortion and call it ‘murder’ even as we overpopulate the Earth. We remove wolves from state parks to keep them from killing the very deer and elk that, when overpopulated, decimate plant life. We find new ways to ease pain, wipe out illness and deny death, as nature creates super-viruses and natural disasters to maintain balance.

Pain is ‘bad’ because it causes us to want to be without it. Mankind has taken great leaps to avoid ever being in physical pain, but he largely ignores treatments to help himself stop hurting inside. Somehow society has tabooed the art of self~awareness and advancement, though there has been a recent movement of ‘mindfulness’ which has even made the cover of Time Magazine. Any fad is better than none. Whatever causes mankind to return to the innate wonder of self that he has lost is good.

We presume to call something ‘good’ or ‘bad’ because all we have is our perspective from this little point in the universe. We draw conclusions based on limited experience. There are as many perspectives as there are perceivers in this world. If ‘good’ were advancement of the pneuma, amalgamated from the unnatural state of its segmentation, then ‘good’ would be anything that advances the splintered self towards wholeness.

“One must know oneself before knowing anything else.” said Kirkegaard. What would the world look like had we taken his advice long ago? We might answer that by considering what is ‘bad’ about the miscellany image of all we’ve worked towards to create.

“Love of money is the mother of all evils.” said Diogenes. A common societal warrant is the lack of joy in the world. People work five to seven days a week to make money they don’t have time to spend. They choose jobs based on the amount of money they can make instead of what talents they possess and the joy of the work. We spend entire lifetimes gathering material things only to find ourselves giving them away in our old age. After a while we believe that this is all there is to life. It’s because we’ve idolized the gaining of property and riches and devalued personal satisfaction and spiritual gain. Had we, as a race, moved towards our aspirations and that which made us truly happy, work days would be shorter and fewer and pay better. People would be less stressed, which would lead to fewer sickness, disease and mental illness. Many parts of Europe have employed this technique with much success. We have very little understanding of how connected one aspect of society is to another. Who knows how many things might change if we were able to take steps to reshape society with a positive self-image?

Another typical warrant of man is that fear and worry are integral components of life. Because of fear, countries bomb each other, entire generations of peoples wiped out or grossly mistreated. In ‘civilized societies’, much of the health concerns are attributed to worrying about things that may never happen. We judge each other based on fears of what actions may lead to unwanted outcomes. We fear what we do not understand, and categorize people based on assumptions.

“The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” said Mandela. If we were all to see fear as that which promotes growth, the world would see much less violence and discord. Due to our inability to see struggle as a challenge we’ve come to see any obstacle and something that is ‘wrong’. Gone are the days of olde when man did not cry out in his defiance of hardship. We run to the doctor for every little ache, and chew medicinal pills like candy.

“One who gains strength by overcoming obstacles possesses the only strength which can overcome adversity.” said Schweitzer. There are more and more youth suffering from mental issues than ever before, a phenomenon unheard of in years past. Sunlight, for one, has been proven to be mentally and physically beneficial, and nowadays many children lack contact with the sun and nature as a whole. In this ‘screen-submerged’ society, today’s children miss out on the physical and emotional contact that comes with family interaction.

In a past age children worked as hard as adults did for the farmer’s harvest. Hard work was a matter of survival, the way of things. Thought it is nice that ‘civilized’ children of today are allowed to enjoy their childhoods without hard labour, they have gone too far in the opposite direction. For the most part, they have no clue what it means to truly suffer, causing them to have a concerning lack of compassion for others. They learn about life from watching television rife with unrealistic scenarios and expectations. They don’t exercise, and so physical pain becomes a ‘bad’ thing, and they are overly upset by the smallest offense against their physical person, be it a bug bite or a stumped toe. Simply wading through tall grass or going on a camping trip suddenly becomes a frightening endeavor.

We’ve forgotten how to know what is good and bad for us by being sensitive to the emotions actions cause. We are numb to the indicators of unhappiness, no longer fine~tuned to our own, true basic needs. We know something is not right, deep inside us, but no longer have the skill sets to follow the trails back to where we’ve gone wrong. Excessive hours of video game play or television watching is perceived to bring pleasure because we’ve forgotten what real pleasure feels like. In an instant~gratification society, we’ve lost the ability to spend the necessary time on ourselves and our personal growth. We’re too often on Facebook or sitcom reruns to meditate or exercise, or to pursue any disciplines of value.

“The undisciplined mind is a wild elephant.” Says Dalai Lama.

And yet, in my own claims of ‘good’ as counterpart to ‘bad’, I can be sure that all this is leading us somewhere. If that somewhere were to be man’s ultimate demise, the Earth might know release from that which is worst for it. Evolution is moving along, for whatever cause. Technological advance, as well as advances in medicine and science, are progressing way beyond our ability to keep moral check on them. On the whole man, if anything, is regressing as a spiritual being…isn’t it? Nine out of ten people would tell you so, but that is not true at all. Each one of us is progressing at the exact rate we choose to progress. Even back~tracking is progress if it’s what we came here to learn. We must all reconsider the very foundations of what we believe to be true. Whatever direction we are going as a species, it’s been chosen by us for us, for a reason.

“The survival of the fittest…” as Herbert Spencer saw it. And yet it seems unlikely that every part of the macro and micro is progressing but us. Perhaps we are not yet able to see where this progression will take us. Perhaps that which prevails is that which is the fittest to do so. What is weak will be weeded out and what is strong will flourish.

“…if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” said Thoreau on the subject. He proved this himself with his experiment on Walden Pond.

The miscellany ‘dream’ of all we’ve worked towards to create has not succeeded in causing us to be happy nor beneficial to the world, and so it lies to each man and woman to move in the direction of personal peace. When each looks to him/herself for an answer that answer progresses the whole. We each need to re~evaluate our current state of affairs and focus on the real good, that one act which causes a ripple effect along every single other aspect of humanity: advancement of the self. In the end, self-advancement is the advancement of all things that are good in the universe, and it’s amazing what difference one person can make.

Awakenings In The Platonic Cave

Plato's Allegory

Plato’s Allegory of the Cave

Shackles opened after a lifetime of knowing only they. My neck crackled as my head turned to and fro for the very first time, though there was beauty and freedom in the pain enough that I refused to remain still. Complex movement was unknown to me and took time to initiate; from blistered feet to loin and up through the torso which, I attained, all functioned together quite fluidly.

Shakily, and with great cost to my physical being, I came closer to the scrolling figures I had watched so long and found that they did not exist; they were in fact shadows on a wall. I noted how the light between figures flickered, a byproduct of something more real and less fleeting than they; that they, themselves, were illusions, merely spaces in between the light.

I climbed the wall that my back had rested against for longer than I could remember, and saw that the shadows were the ghosts of moving things passing before a fire, arms laden with all manner of materials and shaped forms, none of which I had ever before been able to see. I stood rapt, then gathered myself and dropped into the tunnel where they passed, them whose eyes regarded me so curiously, continuing on by as I gawked in confusion. At first I was angry, thinking them to be our captors, but by the looks of the cloth of their robes, which was no more than the ragged garb we, oureselves wore, I knew that they, too, were enslaved, and so I caused them no harm.

I could feel the light of the fire on my face when I stretched up to touch it, and blinked to accustom myself to it, but more than that I felt the warmth on my skin which settled in my bones a creeping weariness. I crawled up to it with my eyes squinted, where I sat and cried, overwhelmed with too much new information. The figures below stared up at me, but made no move to intercede in my lament.

A thought registered: that fire was the ultimate truth, reality and all that was; in essence that very thing which I had been missing for so long. I lost myself in it for a time until, while turning my back to the flame to warm each side equally, I glimpsed a purer light upon the wall beyond that of the fire and, having gained some strength from the warmth, rose and followed its lead. Up a long corridor the light emerged, emanating from an entrance leading to…what?

I went.

That purer, whiter light blinded me, and at first I could only stand with my hand across my eyes, though curiosity (and the moans of those behind me still locked in that choking, metallic embrace) compelled me to take it through bitten eyelids little bits at a time. When I could fully see the wonder of what surely must be heaven around me, I stood amazed before a wide field of colours more vivid than any under-ground could ever possess and textures soft and giving, grass and the flowing of wind in the trees on a hill leading up to the greatest light of all. I wept again, but could not weep long lest tears blur that sacred vision.

I stumbled through trees and to the hill, that tall, rocky hill which cut at my bare feet (whose blood had never, itself, seen the light) and basked in the warmth of the glow which bared its own, special hues unto me, until I had forgotten completely what I’d left behind. I wrapped myself up in its golden rays and slept for a time, and in my soul every answer to every question I’d ever asked, every solution to the queries of why the dark had seemed so wrong, a feeling I could never quite capture fully, a distant knowing that chains were not what I wanted, not all that there was for me. It had been a feeling of absence, and I knew this because that absence was now gone, replaced with the feeling of being full.

When I was sufficiently warmed and the awe and succor of the light began to wane, I looked back down the hill and, for the first time, saw my previous home for what it truly was. I was horrified. I mourned the many deaths that had become me there. I shook my fists at my captors though I knew not who they were. I wailed at the insufferable unfairness of chains, of their gnawing, jagged nature, and yet the splendor of my surroundings called louder still as if to say, “Why cry when you’ve discovered, at last, all the beauty you’d ever dreamed could be?”

And yet, instead of succumbing to that simple, silent desire, becoming one with the light and taking its gift unto myself, I turned in sudden epiphany, for everyone in the dark needed to see what I’d seen. Everyone deserved to see and to know the light and feel warmth. And so without a further thought to myself nor the wounds on my feet I ran full speed back into the hole to set them all free.

It didn’t take long to re-adjust to the darkness, and in those moments of waiting I spat at it and called it death, blasphemed it and kicked at its dusty recesses in display of my new-found power. When I could at last make my way I went to the first of them chained there, where light was foreign and far away. I whispered urgently into an ear, I tugged at the chains around the neck, but the figure cursed at me with bloody spittle to my brow and cracked, broken fingernails clawed into the skin of my hands. I drew back, aghast, bewildered as to why it would not let me free it. I tried again and again with the same result, and this time it called me wicked, ignorant, insane.

I cursed it and turned to the next, taking a new approach. This time, I gently whispered in its ear of shadows, fires and all the things I’d seen outside. I told it how I’d come to be free and tried to warm its frozen bones with tales of light and heat. But the figure only laughed and said to me, “This cannot be. This here is what is real. You are mistaken, poor thing, so lost in your fancies.” Flustered, I became righteous and made demands. I called it blind, swore that if it simply saw the truth, if it followed but for a moment it would see that it was wrong. But it would not allow me to set it free and so I went to the next.

Hours later I sat with my back to fire, sniffling and in no small amount of shock. To each I had said my peace and, in turn, each turned me away. Surely a blind man, when hearing all the words that describe the light, and with the promise that his blindness could be reversed, should tear off the blindfold and run screaming towards it, begging thanks for he who gave such hope! With that thought I humbled myself, for it was not I who was looking for reward, rather it was I who wanted desperately to share such a reward with them all. And so I decided to deny myself that heaven beyond the entrance of hell. I chose to stay with them there in the dark, to martyr myself; that surely, eventually, my stories of the light would make them come around and want what I had. And so I would sit by the fire and laugh where they could hear. I would attempt to find words to describe aloud to myself the succor I had felt in the presence of the Great Light. I would anguish rememberances of what it was like to be cold, and reminisce over the blissful moments when my bones boiled beneath the fiery impishness of that ‘blazoned star which sets all things beneath it aglow.

A year I was in the dark and starved, and for all it was naught. Not only did they not heed my wisdom, they shunned it. They took it as condemnation; my laughter as if it were at their expense, my prayers as though they were curses. I realized that they themselves were their own captors, and that there was nothing I could do to free he who held himself in chains. It was then that I turned away.

In the end I left only to spite them. I left so that I could be free, but also that their chosen bondage would hurt the more. I danced through the grass that their chains would bite to wounds upon their scrawny hides. I stood in the Great Light that their coldness might oppress them like a deathly shroud, I stared into it until my eyes watered that the colourlessness of the cave would blacken out even their dreams. But I grew weary of this, for emotions in the spectrum of anger take such a toll on mind and body. I lay beneath a twinkling night and slept well for the first time in my history.

When I awoke to the light blues and pinks and golds of the sky I cried, for in my heart I didn’t wish them pain, I wished only for them to see what I could see. I wished only for someone to share my heaven with. What is the point of having a heaven if there is no one with which to share? And so with a heavy heart I set out to explore the land. I ate of the fruits of the trees and drank deep the waters of the ground. I dug my toes in dark soil and gathered flowers for my hair. Years I wandered.

Then one smoky eve I found an end to the world around me, the finale of all that could have existed before I came. At that stark, leading edge I sat and pondered why the vast void stretched to the horizon and beyond. To my incredulity, when I wished for what I would want to replace that void my wish came into being and was more magnificent than what I would have known, myself, to make.

Thus I, the creator, was born. I looked at my creation and it was good. Such a process silenced any lingering threnody for those I had left in the dark, and after years of creating I stopped thinking of them altogether.

Discovery was not the least of gifts. My travels eventually lead to another creator. At first I could not believe my eyes, for I had been alone so long that I had thought I was the only one. Had I created him myself? Perhaps. Or…had he created me? These questions we pondered together, until we realized that the answers did not matter. Soon creation became a cooperation, better than creation-by-one ever could have been. He told me the names of things, and the one I cherish the most was the name of the Great Light: Sun.

He had never seen my side of the world, nor I his. And so he showed me all that he had done, and it was more than ever I could have made; the colours seemed somehow brighter, richer, the waters more clear and the sky more blue. Yet when I took him through my lands he said the same of them. We laughed until we could laugh no more. In our wonder we never asked where the other had originated, for nothing seemed to matter but the miracle of the finding. He called me Other and I he, for we were of each other and equally amazed.

We wandered in my endless garden mazes until we came again to old lands faint in memory. We followed familiar paths though I couldn’t remember where they lead until I saw, in the darkening of the twilight on the hill, the entrance to the hole from which I had wandered those many years before. Sorrow gripped me, and my Other held me close to him and whispered that he too had come from such a place. A cave, he called it, though he’d lost the memory of where it was long ago. I asked if he would accompany me in, just to see if anything had changed, and he agreed.

Once our eyes became accustomed we saw that nothing had. Bleeding wounds wrought by jagged metal clasps had bowed resentfully to ragged scars. Nothing moved but the mouths of those who spoke of the politics of shadows, the wisdom of static and the plunder of the sounds of our approaching footsteps. I’d never noticed the smell before, but the stench of brute existence was overwhelming. Had it always been this way? I could not remember, it had been so long.

I recalled that last thought I’d had before I’d left, that they had wrought the chains themselves and were responsible for their own slovenly manner. I felt a new sense, something akin to bereavement, for pity had replaced my previous resentment and humility had replaced my martyrian fire which, itself, had stood in a false light and called itself truth. No longer did I wish such a state upon them, rather, I realized that they could not yet be ready for the light of dawn nor the softness of grass. After all, many years had I wallowed in self-pity as one of them. I could never have been ready to break those chains until…well, until I was.

A matronly love pumped through my quickened heart. I only wanted to make their stay in chains less unbearable, and realized that it was more bearable to they than it was to me, for I had been so far removed from it for so long that I knew full well the price and weight of chains; yet they, having known only chains, were accustomed to the weight and knew nothing else.

And so I and my Other tore swaths from our clothes wetted by the river, bathing their wounds and their feverish heads, stroking the skin about their swollen, weathered necks and saying kind nothings. They were nothings because they could not endure, yet the feeling there remained in moments, glistening in their lolling eyes. ‘Twas the seeds of such nothings that would grow in their minds, and this was what we hoped for. We would leave to create, returning from time to time with gathered logs to stoke the fires that perhaps some warmth might reach them or, at least, the shadows might appear more vivid to further fuel thoughts of the natures of movement, because we could hear that some seeds had grown.

Yes, for the first time I truly heard their words, heard the fleeting truths between the falsities, knew the falsities to be more true than anything they’d pondered previously. I cultivated hope for them inside me, knowing that eventually they, too, would wake and wander outside, beholden of the change from dusk to dawn, the dusk that would draw towards dawn inside them, alive in the slow process from sorrow to rapture, the knowledge of creation and the wonder that it would bring. Like a flower it bloomed, that knowledge that there was an infinity inside eternity, and that no time wasted in chains was too long. Once a soul is free, joy rewards in years what days of sorrow made. In the Other’s eyes I saw, and he in mine own, that all was well, always and in all ways, and forever.



I’ve seen what’s Next. For each it is a different experience; a single song that, when played, speaks in a unique language tailor-made for the listener, each instrument carefully chosen to create a distinct idea of the perfect melody. The design of the music is a movement in ebb and flow, waving to the request of our greatest subconscious desires, each note placed precisely where it can be of most benefit. Therefore, it cannot be said that I have seen the Next, rather, I have seen MY Next.

No two are alike yet there is a shared beat, the heart that keeps all life alive. This beat is woven within every song, a common thread that can be proven as, perhaps, the only ultimate truth: love. Lack of love causes living things to die physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Energy is the single acting force of eternity, and the current that energy is carried on is love. The source of all energy emanates a wave of love that flows out from it and returns to it from us. Every experience we have, every action we take, every choice we make is in search of love. There is no judgment, no repentance, no hell in my Foreversong, for all is of the source and one with it, and nothing that is of it is not of love.

In 2005 I was 31 years old, depressive and lost in the dark. That year I spent three days deathly ill with stomach flu completely unconscious in bed. The fourth day I woke and was better, but before I spoke one word to anyone I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down a dream. In the dream I went into the rainforests of a beautiful country, sliding down a water slide with many others to a white beach, but when I got to the beach I was alone. A man met me there, welcoming me with a nod. He was dark and native with shells around his neck. I walked past rice patties and took a path that ended at a green rainwater lake surrounded by weeping willows.

In the middle and to the right of the lake there stood four huts on stilts and, to the right of them, a grey American-style house. In the dream I swam out to the house and shimmied up one of the poles onto the bamboo dock. A white man came out to greet me. When I questioned him about the small huts on stilts he told me I was not ready to go to them. From where I stood I could see that they were made of jade; four smooth jade doorways leading into darkness on each side. Four doors each side, sixteen doors each hut, sixty-four doors in all. I knew that it was a place I should return to.

A week later my sister brought me a box of books. One of them was entitled “Eckankar: The Key To Secret Worlds” by Paul Twitchell. Normally I would have thrown anything that mentioned God in the trash, but its explanation of man as responsible for his own suffering released me of my need to bear the pain of the world. I still cringed when the word God appeared, but Sugmad, the ancient Chinese word for god, was so much a more detached, less judgmental god than the one I had rejected, so I read on. Eckankar is the ancient Tibetan belief that soul travel is the direct way to the original Source; the Light And Sound That Is All Life. To leave one’s physical body and bask in the Light and Sound is to know the purest love, that which Sugmad is and nothing more. Eckankar means “co-worker of God”, and the book spoke of ancient masters who had crossed over and were waiting to assist us to the higher planes.

One day in November, in a depressive and desperate state I did the meditative ritual prescribed by the book and sure enough–and much to my surprise–I met my first ancient master. His name is DapRen. This year marks my tenth year as acolyte under his tutelage. At first meeting I decided that I had gone insane as my mother before me. Because she believed the voice inside herself which often proved to be malevolent, I could not trust myself enough to believe that he was real, yet I returned to him again and again because of the pure, fatherly love that he shared with me.

At first he took me to the moon. I would sit on the moon and cry because the weight of my life on Earth was a small dot in the distance and being removed from it caused me to abhor the thought of returning. He would smile and hug me often, and listen silently. His patience is infinite. He rarely spoke, and when he did it was a word or a sentence, the loving truth of the matter. On the moon I learned that I had a place to go away from the pain of man, a place where I could get some distance between me and suffering and view it from an elevated point. I began to find lessons everywhere, in everything, and often small incidents would further the lessons he taught me. Soon I realized that his was the professor’s lectured accompaniment to the next chapter of the book of life. He would teach me something and then life would show me what he meant, and it was to me to solve the puzzle. It was hard to stay depressed when I was so busy with mysterious and amazing puzzles.

Slowly his complete acceptance and unwavering love caused me to accept and love myself. The more I loved myself the more my need for depression and drugs withdrew. Even unhealthy foods began to have adverse effects on my body. Everything I am is now in a constant state of purification, and purification is the reason for the challenge of living as a physical being on Earth.

One day I was shocked when DapRen took me to the huts on stilts in the middle of the rainwater lake, what I now refer to as the 64 Doors. He told me to work on opening them one by one. When I asked why he said “Because you can.” The Doors have a multi-purpose, not only to provide help when I need it but also to teach me how to exist in the higher planes. Each Door is a puzzle whose homework is life. Each Door presents me with a problem. The problem is then presented in my waking life, just as the lessons given by the master. As I solve the puzzle in physical form I solve it also at the Doors. I have currently opened eight and have yet to begin the ninth. Doors lead to physical and mental healing, as well as knowledge and growth. The Third Door brought me to the physical equivalent of myself on the Earthly plane. Humans call us ‘twin flames’, two halves of the same soul, a union of complete acceptance, cooperation and spiritual awakening. To know the perfect love in this life is rare, it is the answer to all questions and an end of yearning.

Yet, in all this that I have told, not one experience was that of actual soul travel. Because of my lackadaisical attitude towards meditation, any exploration I have ever done has been with the Tibetan ‘mental technique’, which is the projection of one facet of self without an actual, physical projection. I have left my body twice, both times with the help of a specific combination of sativa and sacred psilocybin, and it was through the second of these two experiences that I came face to face with Sugmad and the bigger picture.

  1. I took the journey alone and with a Rumi poem put to music which caused me to pulse with the beat, yet it was not I who pulsated but the ectoplasmic webbing that I had become. My body no longer existed. I was everything all at once. I crawled my tiny conscience through the webbing to different people and animals in my neighborhood, tasting their emotions and understanding the Oneness of all things. Suddenly the music became waves of colour, more colours than I knew existed, and they floated the webbing up into the sky, each wave a pure ecstasy to every pore, and I became one with this plateau of sunset clouds that stretched on forever. As the music swelled I tasted pure love like a nectar that banished all un~truth within me. I reached out with my tiny little me~ness and cried “Thank You”, all I could think to say to express the incredible joy and beauty I had been shown. I had a vision of each human on Earth searching for that love, suffering many mortal lives gladly if it meant tasting that love once more.

Last year I took a second journey out of body with the help of sativa and a psilocybin named Golden Teachers. My soul hurtled out of my body and through the cosmos, stopping at what felt like a barrier that kept me from moving forward. Everything I knew myself to be was spoken to me in my own voice. “’I’ am a woman, a mother, a metalhead. ‘I’ am this, ‘I’ am that.” The more I heard myself speak out all that I thought I was, the more I realized that it was all illusory. I saw every single thing I believe and knew it to be false. At one point I came to the utter hells of myself, all the things about me that an organized religion’s god might judge in the end days…but it was I who was the judge. Just when I thought I might go insane I realized that none of it was who I truly was inside. I accepted myself and all aspects of ‘me’ and crossed the border between all I thought I was into what I Am.

An infinite space stretched out before me with near~invisible waves emanating from some behemoth to the right of my vision. I had no body, I was only a tiny speck of consciousness. The weight of the alien nature of my surroundings was intense. A sound emanated from the waves that passed through me with a vibration, a powerful and indescribable hum that caused every pore to be in a constant state of liquid ecstasy. As with my previous experience the pure essence of love washed over me in waves of sound and colour.

The behemoth to the right of my spot in space was a god, rather the first of gods in the first of heavens. Everything is a wave that repeats itself from microcosm to macrocosm, a mirror image on whatever level the soul is working. The closest description of the form It chose is a sea anemone, if It could be called that. It was so massive that I could only really see a part of the left half of It, glistening like Earth from space at night with multi~points of light, like living glitter. It had infinite and infinitely~coloured tendrils that stretched out from It. Each ended at a globe, if you will, a sphere inside which a nameless number of worlds existed, each with their own life forms and experiences. Countless dimensions/planes/worlds inside countless spheres on countless tendrils of God, and It was in the act of experiencing all of them at once. I saw that nothing that anyone does can be ‘good’ or ‘bad’, because God is only love, living out each action we take to move closer to It. It is everything and everything a part of It, like the glass of a mirror that shatters itself in order to gain the experience of returning all pieces back to itself again. I floated at the base of all I could see until I was taken up through the tendrils and their spheres of infinite universes and into Sugmad and was one with It.

The silence that existed there…the pulsing, glistening silence of experiencing everything at once is all there is, was profound to say the least. In my Foreversong God is not looking down in anger or disappointment, It’s not making plans to thwart the evil force, not doing its homework to decide who’s worthy or guilty. God is sitting quietly on the Eternal Couch, watching countless movies all at once, the very movies we are making every second of our lives. More than that, God is living each life with the liver, literally looking through our eyes as we go about making the choices of our experience. When we make a choice that impedes the progression of ourselves or others we are moving away from It. When we make a choice that allows the progression of ourselves and others we are moving back to It.

God allowed me to feel what being It felt like, and inside It I lived every life in existence, infinitely. My small human mind is not big enough to have kept all those lives inside me but they, as a whole, introduced me to the biggest picture: that everything truly is okay. I acknowledged then that even if I forgot everything I had learned in that space it would still all be okay, and that a basic seed had been planted inside of me that could never be lost again.

It changed everything, but this experience has not made me holy. When we return to our bodies we are human again, subject to lessons and laws that physical things must experience. Do I still judge people? Yes, though not as vehemently as before, because now I know that people simply don’t remember what’s waiting, and that even in their unknowing they are moving. It’s a constant cycle of sleeping and waking. It is the way of man in our search for wholeness. Even in our judgment and hate and horror we are searching for love.

Joy can be ours in this life and heaven can be found in the here and now. We need not wait for death to find it. When I am who I Am, I am experience, which is arguably the reason for all existence. When I am who I Am, I am okay and you are okay, and we are all each other and the sum of us is It. As above, so below.

I don’t cry anymore when I sit on the moon, I look at Earth and see it as one bus stop of many. Of what I have seen in the ethereal realms of non-endingness, being physical is unique. I am a mirror image of the Source of energy from whence I emerged, choosing a physical experience as a means of finding myself…again.