I’ve seen what’s Next. For each it is a different experience; a single song that, when played, speaks in a unique language tailor-made for the listener, each instrument carefully chosen to create a distinct idea of the perfect melody. The design of the music is a movement in ebb and flow, waving to the request of our greatest subconscious desires, each note placed precisely where it can be of most benefit. Therefore, it cannot be said that I have seen the Next, rather, I have seen MY Next.
No two are alike yet there is a shared beat, the heart that keeps all life alive. This beat is woven within every song, a common thread that can be proven as, perhaps, the only ultimate truth: love. Lack of love causes living things to die physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Energy is the single acting force of eternity, and the current that energy is carried on is love. The source of all energy emanates a wave of love that flows out from it and returns to it from us. Every experience we have, every action we take, every choice we make is in search of love. There is no judgment, no repentance, no hell in my Foreversong, for all is of the source and one with it, and nothing that is of it is not of love.
In 2005 I was 31 years old, depressive and lost in the dark. That year I spent three days deathly ill with stomach flu completely unconscious in bed. The fourth day I woke and was better, but before I spoke one word to anyone I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down a dream. In the dream I went into the rainforests of a beautiful country, sliding down a water slide with many others to a white beach, but when I got to the beach I was alone. A man met me there, welcoming me with a nod. He was dark and native with shells around his neck. I walked past rice patties and took a path that ended at a green rainwater lake surrounded by weeping willows.
In the middle and to the right of the lake there stood four huts on stilts and, to the right of them, a grey American-style house. In the dream I swam out to the house and shimmied up one of the poles onto the bamboo dock. A white man came out to greet me. When I questioned him about the small huts on stilts he told me I was not ready to go to them. From where I stood I could see that they were made of jade; four smooth jade doorways leading into darkness on each side. Four doors each side, sixteen doors each hut, sixty-four doors in all. I knew that it was a place I should return to.
A week later my sister brought me a box of books. One of them was entitled “Eckankar: The Key To Secret Worlds” by Paul Twitchell. Normally I would have thrown anything that mentioned God in the trash, but its explanation of man as responsible for his own suffering released me of my need to bear the pain of the world. I still cringed when the word God appeared, but Sugmad, the ancient Chinese word for god, was so much a more detached, less judgmental god than the one I had rejected, so I read on. Eckankar is the ancient Tibetan belief that soul travel is the direct way to the original Source; the Light And Sound That Is All Life. To leave one’s physical body and bask in the Light and Sound is to know the purest love, that which Sugmad is and nothing more. Eckankar means “co-worker of God”, and the book spoke of ancient masters who had crossed over and were waiting to assist us to the higher planes.
One day in November, in a depressive and desperate state I did the meditative ritual prescribed by the book and sure enough–and much to my surprise–I met my first ancient master. His name is DapRen. This year marks my tenth year as acolyte under his tutelage. At first meeting I decided that I had gone insane as my mother before me. Because she believed the voice inside herself which often proved to be malevolent, I could not trust myself enough to believe that he was real, yet I returned to him again and again because of the pure, fatherly love that he shared with me.
At first he took me to the moon. I would sit on the moon and cry because the weight of my life on Earth was a small dot in the distance and being removed from it caused me to abhor the thought of returning. He would smile and hug me often, and listen silently. His patience is infinite. He rarely spoke, and when he did it was a word or a sentence, the loving truth of the matter. On the moon I learned that I had a place to go away from the pain of man, a place where I could get some distance between me and suffering and view it from an elevated point. I began to find lessons everywhere, in everything, and often small incidents would further the lessons he taught me. Soon I realized that his was the professor’s lectured accompaniment to the next chapter of the book of life. He would teach me something and then life would show me what he meant, and it was to me to solve the puzzle. It was hard to stay depressed when I was so busy with mysterious and amazing puzzles.
Slowly his complete acceptance and unwavering love caused me to accept and love myself. The more I loved myself the more my need for depression and drugs withdrew. Even unhealthy foods began to have adverse effects on my body. Everything I am is now in a constant state of purification, and purification is the reason for the challenge of living as a physical being on Earth.
One day I was shocked when DapRen took me to the huts on stilts in the middle of the rainwater lake, what I now refer to as the 64 Doors. He told me to work on opening them one by one. When I asked why he said “Because you can.” The Doors have a multi-purpose, not only to provide help when I need it but also to teach me how to exist in the higher planes. Each Door is a puzzle whose homework is life. Each Door presents me with a problem. The problem is then presented in my waking life, just as the lessons given by the master. As I solve the puzzle in physical form I solve it also at the Doors. I have currently opened eight and have yet to begin the ninth. Doors lead to physical and mental healing, as well as knowledge and growth. The Third Door brought me to the physical equivalent of myself on the Earthly plane. Humans call us ‘twin flames’, two halves of the same soul, a union of complete acceptance, cooperation and spiritual awakening. To know the perfect love in this life is rare, it is the answer to all questions and an end of yearning.
Yet, in all this that I have told, not one experience was that of actual soul travel. Because of my lackadaisical attitude towards meditation, any exploration I have ever done has been with the Tibetan ‘mental technique’, which is the projection of one facet of self without an actual, physical projection. I have left my body twice, both times with the help of a specific combination of sativa and sacred psilocybin, and it was through the second of these two experiences that I came face to face with Sugmad and the bigger picture.
- I took the journey alone and with a Rumi poem put to music which caused me to pulse with the beat, yet it was not I who pulsated but the ectoplasmic webbing that I had become. My body no longer existed. I was everything all at once. I crawled my tiny conscience through the webbing to different people and animals in my neighborhood, tasting their emotions and understanding the Oneness of all things. Suddenly the music became waves of colour, more colours than I knew existed, and they floated the webbing up into the sky, each wave a pure ecstasy to every pore, and I became one with this plateau of sunset clouds that stretched on forever. As the music swelled I tasted pure love like a nectar that banished all un~truth within me. I reached out with my tiny little me~ness and cried “Thank You”, all I could think to say to express the incredible joy and beauty I had been shown. I had a vision of each human on Earth searching for that love, suffering many mortal lives gladly if it meant tasting that love once more.
Last year I took a second journey out of body with the help of sativa and a psilocybin named Golden Teachers. My soul hurtled out of my body and through the cosmos, stopping at what felt like a barrier that kept me from moving forward. Everything I knew myself to be was spoken to me in my own voice. “’I’ am a woman, a mother, a metalhead. ‘I’ am this, ‘I’ am that.” The more I heard myself speak out all that I thought I was, the more I realized that it was all illusory. I saw every single thing I believe and knew it to be false. At one point I came to the utter hells of myself, all the things about me that an organized religion’s god might judge in the end days…but it was I who was the judge. Just when I thought I might go insane I realized that none of it was who I truly was inside. I accepted myself and all aspects of ‘me’ and crossed the border between all I thought I was into what I Am.
An infinite space stretched out before me with near~invisible waves emanating from some behemoth to the right of my vision. I had no body, I was only a tiny speck of consciousness. The weight of the alien nature of my surroundings was intense. A sound emanated from the waves that passed through me with a vibration, a powerful and indescribable hum that caused every pore to be in a constant state of liquid ecstasy. As with my previous experience the pure essence of love washed over me in waves of sound and colour.
The behemoth to the right of my spot in space was a god, rather the first of gods in the first of heavens. Everything is a wave that repeats itself from microcosm to macrocosm, a mirror image on whatever level the soul is working. The closest description of the form It chose is a sea anemone, if It could be called that. It was so massive that I could only really see a part of the left half of It, glistening like Earth from space at night with multi~points of light, like living glitter. It had infinite and infinitely~coloured tendrils that stretched out from It. Each ended at a globe, if you will, a sphere inside which a nameless number of worlds existed, each with their own life forms and experiences. Countless dimensions/planes/worlds inside countless spheres on countless tendrils of God, and It was in the act of experiencing all of them at once. I saw that nothing that anyone does can be ‘good’ or ‘bad’, because God is only love, living out each action we take to move closer to It. It is everything and everything a part of It, like the glass of a mirror that shatters itself in order to gain the experience of returning all pieces back to itself again. I floated at the base of all I could see until I was taken up through the tendrils and their spheres of infinite universes and into Sugmad and was one with It.
The silence that existed there…the pulsing, glistening silence of experiencing everything at once is all there is, was profound to say the least. In my Foreversong God is not looking down in anger or disappointment, It’s not making plans to thwart the evil force, not doing its homework to decide who’s worthy or guilty. God is sitting quietly on the Eternal Couch, watching countless movies all at once, the very movies we are making every second of our lives. More than that, God is living each life with the liver, literally looking through our eyes as we go about making the choices of our experience. When we make a choice that impedes the progression of ourselves or others we are moving away from It. When we make a choice that allows the progression of ourselves and others we are moving back to It.
God allowed me to feel what being It felt like, and inside It I lived every life in existence, infinitely. My small human mind is not big enough to have kept all those lives inside me but they, as a whole, introduced me to the biggest picture: that everything truly is okay. I acknowledged then that even if I forgot everything I had learned in that space it would still all be okay, and that a basic seed had been planted inside of me that could never be lost again.
It changed everything, but this experience has not made me holy. When we return to our bodies we are human again, subject to lessons and laws that physical things must experience. Do I still judge people? Yes, though not as vehemently as before, because now I know that people simply don’t remember what’s waiting, and that even in their unknowing they are moving. It’s a constant cycle of sleeping and waking. It is the way of man in our search for wholeness. Even in our judgment and hate and horror we are searching for love.
Joy can be ours in this life and heaven can be found in the here and now. We need not wait for death to find it. When I am who I Am, I am experience, which is arguably the reason for all existence. When I am who I Am, I am okay and you are okay, and we are all each other and the sum of us is It. As above, so below.
I don’t cry anymore when I sit on the moon, I look at Earth and see it as one bus stop of many. Of what I have seen in the ethereal realms of non-endingness, being physical is unique. I am a mirror image of the Source of energy from whence I emerged, choosing a physical experience as a means of finding myself…again.