For years there has been little time to meditate. When I have found the time I’ve largely been unsuccessful, my mind bouncing around robotically. The single practice that would cause me to integrate the fastest is the very practice I have no time to perform. Though my master is always available I’ve rarely gone to him, honestly because I’ve felt unworthy to waste his time. He’s an astral being after all, no doubt he trains the purest souls, the most advanced souls that have perfected meditation and even transcended it. However, the time I’ve spent shaming myself for not having meditated I could have just been meditating.
How many times can I use the word time? The reality is that I’ve simply not been prepared for the discipline meditation requires, and deriding myself has only kept me from it. The walk towards any destination may seem to take forever, but there’s an eternity awaiting, and years of your life are nothing more than the blink of an eye in the Next.
We forget magick exists. We forget that we can advance exponentially the more we sink into self-acceptance. We gain a level and look back to see that we couldn’t have been ready before it was time. The quicker you learn to be okay with exactly who you are Hereandnow, the faster you advance.
All this time I haven’t been meditating, I’ve been living the life I came here to live. That’s practice. That is walking the path, and it’s all my master would ask of me. Every waking breath is walking the path, but because we keep getting lost in the illusion it’s easy to feel like we are not advancing, or even that we are back-sliding. There is no such thing, that’s just more of the illusion.
This sudden ability to hold focus and allow thoughts to pass like clouds began as all epiphanies do: Magick. The solving of the Eighth Door, Duality, lead me to youtube. I had been listening to Ram Dass videos on duality, and one in particular was a meditation (there are so many, I’ll get back to you when I remember which one) in which he suggested the group imagine that the air was full of a gold mist. He asked the group to take deep breaths and inhale the gold mist, and exhale all the anger, sorrow, pain, every negative emotion they were clinging to, allowing the gold mist to enter the heart first and the body next. He asked that, to humor him (he’s such a joker), the audience imagine that there are spirit guides in the mist waiting to help, spirits which have specifically stayed close to us instead of surrendering to the bliss of Next, that they may be available to guide us.
I was doing the meditation and suddenly he said “Do you feel that? That guilt? Let go of that guilt right now.” and I realized that I had felt guilt for so many things that I’d not even realized. Ram Dass explained that ‘grace’ is when a spirit guide literally takes on something that is too heavy for you to carry, something you can’t seem to work through on your own.
I’ve always heard this, but have been too stubborn to ask my master for help. In that moment I was desperate, because some unnamed emotion had caused consistent physical pain in me, debilitating pain that makes me miss days of work and school. I’d not been able to find any cause until that moment. I asked for the guilt to be taken from me, and it was.
This caused a great deal of euphoria. For weeks afterwards I was in a constant psyche-delic state in which I was able to hold perfect focus. In this state every relationship was profoundly deepened. I touched people in a way that I never had before. All judgements were gone and I was able to be a true friend, and because of that they were able to be what they were meant to be as well. More miraculous moments spawned in those weeks than ever had before; even the wind played the hairs of my head in perfect time to the music that I listened to, until I found myself speechless in the great Awe of All Existence, moved beyond ability to express it while at the same time calm and quiet inside. Suddenly excessive, obsessive highs were as distasteful to me as depressive lows, because center is an ecstasy that cannot be compared. Simultaneously (it was all waves, all life is in waves) I was given cause to have many obsessions, many dreams becoming reality yet, I did not lose myself in them, choosing the Middle Road instead. And most importantly, I had no physical pain.
Incidentally, when I returned to that Ram Dass video I found that he’d never once mentioned guilt. That message had been for me and me alone. Guides truly are everywhere, we need only listen to hear their lessons.
That ability to hold perfect focus is gone now, a glimpse of what I could become with meditation. Even during that time I knew it would fade, but I was in the flow and knew that not even that mattered. When I ‘came down’, I found that I had become prepared to begin the journey towards focus and center.
My pain has returned, but I have tools now to release it. I’ve stopped migraines that would have before been inevitable. I’ve reversed pinched nerves and locked up muscles by doing the center-point technique I will describe in detail on the page entitled “Tips for Meditation in a Chaos Age”. I will update the list as I find new techniques along the way, and as always feel free to leave your own.