Unbearable Beauty: The Perfection of the Design

Cosmic Spiral

The unbearable beauty state was first described by the Buddha. It occurs in those moments when we surrender to the perfection of the design of the universe. It’s not a state that I can hold onto for long. As an acolyte it comes in bursts, between stretches of unconsciousness. The more time we spend being at peace in our minds, going with the flow of this physical experience, the less desire we have to return to the fear that generates depression and anger~based emotions.

Most of us live in pain but want to be pain~free: a desire that is actually a call for pain. Because life does as we command, we are presented with a steady stream of pain, practice problems we work on over lifetimes. We begin to see a pattern and realize that passing each test moves us to other lessons. Life begins to look less like a calamity spiraling out of our control and more like a game we can play to cause any number of desired outcomes.

Eventually we come to the state of Unbearable Beauty, where we can see both the suffering of the world and ourselves as well as the perfection of the suffering in the grander scheme of beauty. We comprehend the often crushing difficulty of the questions even as we experience the simplicity and succor of the answers. This is an odd state to experience, the beginnings of the lonely part of the journey in which most experiences can no longer be shared. You’ll find that a lot of my posts are about this same subject, if under various sub~categories.

This state is equally horrific and exquisite. Having at last stepped away from the self far enough to be able to see the full game as I am playing it, I can also see the other players; all of our hands, through the many masks we wear and pseudo~names we shelve ourselves under. I can see the past: genesis, what caused the masks to be first put in place, as well as the possible futures in which a mask is removed…or not. Often times, it feels like the equivalent of both being an adult that can see the obvious actions of a child and being the child who is obvious to an adult.


Dongahn Quang’s “Swing” 2011

During the initial stages of becoming familiar with Unbearable Beauty, the meaning of the infinity symbol begins to fully sink in, with its realizations of the repeating pattern in which life’s lessons occur, becoming more difficult as certain sections of homework are done and tests are taken and passed. In every instance, stepping back far enough to see the perfection of the bigger design is what causes us to pass to the next level.

And so we must suffer. In my experience lessons don’t take summer sharksholidays, they intensify right out of the gate, so to speak. Every time I become accustomed to swimming in pure bliss, a shark begins to circle. If I attempt to ignore it or try and outwit it, more sharks come. What is happening is life giving me a taste of safe waters so that I will be more tempted to swim faster towards safety.

The lessons in my life this past week have involved long~time friends and relatives. Nothing hurts like pain related to those we love as we find ourselves unable to accept the choices people make for themselves.

Over a couple of year’s time an old friend of mine, to whom I have looked as a guru most of my life, has been revealed to be an intensely angry, bitter and childish person. It is said that the guru should not be judged by his personality, but my interpretations of this event have left me feeling devastated. The pain that his actions have caused me and others close to him have made me feel like I have plenty of justification for my pain. There is always justifications, but in the end we either choose to be in pain or we focus on the larger picture.

Another friend of mine is making the best of an abusive relationship. She’s never known anything better, and this new man is less abusive than any of the others. Needless to say it’s painful to watch her go through, even with her best~possible~attitude. Still, I can find justifications all over the place to allow her suffering to become mine. There are many ways to learn any one lesson, we need not be in abusive relationships to learn something we could learn from healthy ones. Yet, we all attract those like us, so that we all may be given the chance to heal together….or not. “It’s our choice, and no one can say we don’t have the right to make that choice!” my Spiritmother used to remind me.

Cosmic Design

Cosmic Design by S. Chandresekar


That’s the beauty of the design, the unbearable beauty. Perhaps my male friend has chosen bitterness and self~righteousness in this lifetime because his own pain is too great to face. Perhaps my female friend has chosen an abusive relationship to quicken her pace towards freedom. This is their game of chess and this is how they play. They were meant to experience the exact experience they are creating for themselves.

So…what is left for those of us who suffer because of the struggles of our loved ones? If a person’s actions cause us pain we have every right to move ourselves out of the line of fire. But…what is the pain that we feel? It’s nothing anyone else has done to us. In fact, that pain is ego. I need him to be this or that for me. I want her to see the big picture or I wish she would stop choosing punishment for herself. None of these judgments are truly sympathetic to the person they are made against. Neither of them take the current lesson into account, nor the perfection of the design.

McGill Beautypain

Every moment the decision is this: surrender to the pain, surrender to the silence and find that nothing painful truly exists or continue to choose to hurt. Pain is something we do or choose not to do to ourselves. I am completely justified in being hurt by my friends, but I’ve gotten the taste of something much bigger, a state in which I am free and no pain exists. It’s increasingly harder for me to hold on to my opinions and judgments. I’m tired of the pain. I don’t want it anymore.

While working that next morning I listened to this meditation, the Sai Gayatri by Sumeet TetraheTappoo, fighting being overwhelmed when considering the possible futures of my friends. My male friend may very well run everyone that loves him away. My female friend may be trapped in an increasingly isolated and painful relationship whose wounds may take years to heal. With the Unbearable Beauty state comes what is called by many teachers “the Witness”, the deeper self that watches all the Tetraheegames of chess that we play as they occur, no longer being helpless to move forward like pawns, yet not having control enough to play the Queen. I went about my daily work, my soul mourning the loss I felt and what I perceived to be some sort of end to something. But the Witness could only see that I was choosing to be in pain, tetraheeeas if standing on the brink between Heaven and Hell. So I decided to use the Sai Gayatri meditation to its fullest. It consists of an hour of approximately ~15 second instrumental parts with a ~15 second chant between them. I decided to allow myself to mourn through the music, but to use Sumeet’s voice to re~awaken and become conscious, immersed in the unbearable beauty, the yin and yang.

When the music came on I didn’t have to make myself lose focus. I felt like shedding tears. My mind ran in circles, going over every justification I had for why the two should not be doing what they were doing. My back began to hurt along with my feelings. I would completely lose myself in sorrow. It felt as if my soul was weeping. Waves of exhaustion would wash over me. Then his voice would come……


Om, Saayeesh~varaa~ya Vidhmahe,
Sat~hya Dhevaay~a Dheemahi
Thanna~ssarvah ~Pracho~dayaath

and my soul would break free of its physical shell and hover on the very edge of the cosmos, looking out at the infinite string of pearled galaxies, places for infinite physical lives to exist, to suffer and learn how to stop suffering. In those moments nothing existed but the awe and pure ecstasy of the universe and the perfection of the design. In those moments none of the pain existed, nor the forms which it took on.

I continued this until the chant was done, then played it again. By the second time around I had become so light, released from the sorrow, having mourned my fill. Many realizations of why my friends are like they are, which caused me to accept their choices, came to me once my mind was still. I realized that sometimes people need to walk their walk without us by their side, and that is okay. And sometimes friends need us to be there even if we don’t approve of their choices, to allow ourselves to love without judgment. We can only be true to ourselves, whatever that means. Walking away with love is better than staying in resentment. Walking beside without judgment is better than leaving because of love.

It’s a constant process that we partake in, choosing surrender over justification. Choosing faith over untrust in the universe and our fellow man. The Unbearable Beauty of the Sugmad, that god that we are, waves and waves above this realm, experiencing hate and love simultaneously, savoring the taste of each. The image below, made by parablev at Deviant Art, is a place I have been, a journey that can be read in my post Foreversong. Perhaps the symbols are different but we create our gods as we see fit. To be a god is to see the perfection of hate and love, sorrow and joy; to allow others to experience their lives as they see fit and to stop expecting people to live their lives according to our rules. To let go of opinion and judgment and simply BE for the joy of Simplybeing.







Apocalypse, Emergent

Doomsday - Andree Wallin


A thick, poisoned stillness settles over the evening ruins. Lights of the few survivor’s fires gleam from shattered windows like gold coins from between sewer grates. Fear has replaced advancement in the minds of men; for all we thought we would accomplish, our success was rewarded accordingly.

Who survived? Was it the ones that were the most prepared or does chance play its hand in The End? As a child raised in an Armageddon~cult~of~one, thinking that Death’s shroud could cover the world at any moment, I have grown up terrified of being one of those left alive when that elusive End finally came. The Cold War raised me as well, the possibility of surviving a nuclear winter a familiar fear for a new generation.

My siblings and I grew up with a survivalist state of mind. That doesn’t mean we’re prepared for an apocalypse scenario by any means, but we’ve thought about and feared the possibilities most of our lives, along with most humans on the planet.

Every generation fears that it is the last. Religions preach that we’re living in the last days and have driven this message forth every generation for hundreds (possibly thousands) of years. When we look at the grim details of the daily news and the rising troubles of the world we tend to think that the end may, in fact, be sooner than later.


apocalypse_reworked_by_the_strynx-d3c59f9 deviant art

With this post I set out to write about mankind’s obsession with catastrophe, intending to bring us together and soothe our fears. Once the post was written, called The Irrelevant Apocalypse, I thought that was what I had done. Later that day I realized that my words had only mirrored my own anger in the guise of innocence and sisterhood.

For my lack of fear in the face of possible annihilation, people close to me feel that I am out of touch with current events, ignorant to the state of degradation that the Earth has committed itself to. As described above my family consists of those that sleep with one eye open, whole~heartedly agreeing that the world is going down the tubes. Some believe that Armageddon is at our very doorstep in the form of financial collapse, and experts share those fears. I cannot say that they are wrong, simply that how I look at the facts is different.

My personal journey has been to learn to see the perfection in everything, to see suffering as a tool that we use in order to experience all events and emotions. On comprehending the infinite nature of the eternity before us, possible outcomes that before seemed terrifying become one drop in the universal bucket of water. We have guardians and teachers we don’t realize are beside us. We have gifts that are not visible on the outside, strengths that emerge in times of hardest trials. We have abilities that, when honed, can alter the very physics of the world around us, but these abilities can emerge without honing in times of need. We are not taught these innate survivalist skills in school, and over centuries they have become lost to us, deemed unrealistic, taboo and fantastical.

Most people are so adamant about all that is wrong with the world, and are quick to attack anyone who sees things differently. I can certainly understand how preposterous any positive concept of suffering may seem given the current age. As a youngling in the spirit world, everyone’s attempts to share their fear with me has caused me to become frustrated. This fact was painfully obvious in The Irrelevant Universe. The cure for fear is oneness, togetherness, not trying to be right or pushing against. It was my ego that wrote the previous version of this tale, later a slap in the face when returning to its message in my mind. I couldn’t wait to get home and delete it, and when I finally did get online that evening the site wasn’t working. I saw that one person had read it and was horrified (sorry, whoever you were. Hope it didn’t run you off.)

What I meant to say was that we don’t have to fear Armageddon or the Apocalypse. We don’t have to spend our lives biting nails in wait for The End to arrive and worrying because we are not prepared. If our current comfortable way of life does end we will do what we will do, and only those of us who are schooled in the art of survival can imagine what that will look like.

I am not among them. I would suffer the fate of most people in the world. I would be frightened, but I would set out with the intention of weathering the storm by giving of myself as needs arise. I want to be prepared to act with all the grace I can muster, and I’m sure that wouldn’t be much. Realistically, lessons are lessons, and a catastrophic lesson is one much harder than the rest, but the outcome is the same: emerging from the illusions that we’ve built as walls of a fortress we have become blinded behind. If we can keep that in mind whatever our experience, we can remain as present with ourselves and others as possible.

“Rome will fall,” is a time~tested, iconic quote that most people have heard at least once in their lives. Much of the world could name which countries they feel should fall, and my America is no doubt almost unanimously at the top of this list. I, myself, have feared for my country for its cocksure attitude and often naive opinions concerning the true state of world affairs, as material gain and technological addiction take the forefront where personal growth and acknowledgment of our human family should be. However, large~scale economic collapse has historically affected the entire world, not just one country. If this country falls many others will fall as well. No one wants that to happen.

It has become our way as a majority to fight against current events without any solution in mind, or to believe that one solution trumps another and that whatever solutions is ours is the best. Speaking of trumps, I am the least politically~minded person you will meet, yet even I am outspoken recently against the madmen who attempt to take over this country. The few are judged by the actions of the many, and I can understand the outrage that spreads across the globe while considering the catastrophic possible outcomes of coming elections. Yet, I have no idea how to solve this crisis. I can only observe, vote and hope that the world keeps in mind that we are not all like those who wish to speak for us.

Still, it is too easy to be a Republican anti~Democrat or a Baptist anti~Muslim. We have come to believe that if we like chocolate we should hate vanilla. As well, it is easy to turn on the local news and forget that the media makes it a point to lure us in accordingly, especially in America. Bad_News_appliedneuroscienceblogMy mother often tells a story about sitting around a table at an international center with people from Iran, China, Japan and others, being told that our news tells nothing of the truths that exist in the world, that we only see what they want us to. “How can your country not know what is going on in the world?” one woman asked her. She couldn’t answer. No human knows the true scope of the extent to which we are kept blind.

We have become addicted to the dissent and are quick to take sides in order to place blame. It’s what we want when we turn on the TV at night, even as we are shocked by what we see there. If we weren’t we wouldn’t watch. We buy in to our own destruction, our own bad health and our many frivolous misuses of money, yet are outraged by the rise in terrorist attacks, cancer and the lack of money to feed the hungry. We buy in to every fad and fashion in attempts to divert ourselves from the tragedy around us, to make ourselves feel better about living in times such as these.


Dr. William Larkin of the Applied Neuroscience Institute describes it as a “learned non-use of positive thought”.

Daily reports of the economy become our measures for hopelessness.  The power of negativity and negative emotion can teach us “not to use” or “non-use” positive emotions.  We forget to go there.  We forget about positive emotions. Watch enough reality TV, news programs, the continual CNN loop, or most of television in general, and you can forget to feel joy or love or peace.

This type of thinking is the very mouthpiece bringing our tale as human beings to a close. It’s what is drawing any and every possible scenario closer and closer to us. By consistently pointing out the wrongs of the world we are actually ushering in the very apocalypse we fear the most. None of us have what it takes to stop Isis or cure world hunger alone, but by posting social media blogs that point out every new negative occurrence in the world and complaining about the government doing nothing is to reach out to others who share negativity.

Neither should we sit and say nothing when atrocities occur. By making others aware of what is happening and what they can do to help, we are calling on our fellow positively~motivated sister and brothers to pay attention and to do what they can to heal the situation, even if it is in prayer or simply positive focus. When our hearts cry out with love and sympathy or even rage for the suffering of others it is known as compassion. There is a vast difference, yet a fine line, between complaint and causing world awareness. Positive and negative thought on a world scale literally change the world state for the better or worse.


Marilyn Schlitz, VP of Research for the Institute of Noetic Sciences and Senior Scientist at the Research Institute for the California Pacific Medical Center has published some 200 consciousness studies on the power of thought and its effects on suffering.

There are various ways of responding to the unprecedented convergence we now experience. One is conflict; we need only turn on our radios to see how widespread this response is at a global level. Another response is co-option, where one tradition—typically the Western technological, scientifically based rationalist model—overpowers indigenous wisdom, often in very covert ways. A third response takes the form of creativity: As differences come together, we have the opportunity to birth new ideas and new ways of being together as a collective humanity.

Dr. Schlitz does double~blind studies of research on those with cancer and AIDS, showing concrete evidence that, whatever the affiliation or denomination, prayer and meditation literally alter sickness for the better. If we can reverse cancer with positive thought towards our human family, what can we destroy on a global scale with constant negativity towards them?

I have grown up without television and newspaper, but these days I don’t have to have either to hear about all that is wrong in the world. The state of the planet has only ever progressed “downhill”, as any elder is quick to tell you. Advancements in technology make others suffering more accessible to all and so it is more visible than ever.

What is happening now is more of the same, a larger scale due to a larger population. There are more evil~doers in the world because there are more people. But there are also more people that want to do good than ever before, as well as more resources and advancements that cause us to be able to reach a larger number of those who need help. The news does not report these stories as much, and though most people consider this common knowledge, the inundation of media into everyday society causes us to lose sight of just how mislead we are.

Just because television shows only bad news does not mean that there is only bad news out there. Look at your own life, Reality_thattechchickmake your own decisions. Do you know firsthand what’s going on in other countries or do you depend on the news to tell you? In the Sudan, a woman can still be raped in the road and no one says a word, but history shows that this used to be a common occurrence everywhere. In downtown, thriving Budapest, rich executive women use their expensive high heels to kick starving, homeless children in the stomach while cursing at them. History shows that most children worked like adults in factories and on farms (and many died because of the work) not two hundred years ago.

We rely on experts to tell us these things, yet a sad truth is that we can no longer trust experts to give us an unbiased view. Global warming, economic collapse, overpopulation, we hear horror stories every day and are quick to form Overpopulation Worldopinions and take sides against one another, but can any one of us turn back the clock and reverse the process enough to make a difference?

Some studies suggest that overpopulation is just one more point of panic, that the Earth would be able to sustain us if not for our misuse of it. Whatever the case, there is less land and natural resources, less money to house and feed us, less jobs to give us hope. We have under~educated our children on how to be good to the Earth and now we are all complaining about the outcome of our mistakes and looking for someone to blame.


dubai_ruins_by_jonasdero-d1x0g24 deviant art

By our actions, this is the future we have all asked for. It’s the future we are all asking for every day as we fret and worry about the state of the world and our helplessness to avoid catastrophe. We are young souls, ignorant and selfish, drawing on our inherent childlike nature in all the wrong ways. In attempting to satiate ourselves and remove ourselves from suffering we have put ourselves directly in the line of fire.

Everything that we suffer has all been for a good cause, to make ourselves feel good, to nurture that which has been neglected. Every terrorist act, every murder is done with a genuine and unconscious desire to take actions that will result in feeling better inside, a warped view of protecting ourselves or others that has become twisted and unrecognisable in the violence and bloodshed.

Whatever is to come, it will be like iron in the fires of igneous change, melting those who resist it and refining those who wish to learn its lesson. I do not believe that, were Armageddon to come at last, those who ended their own lives would be wrong. Nor do I feel that those who survived at all costs wouldn’t wish they were dead every waking moment of such a hellish existence. Until that moment comes, there is no point in worrying one moment about it. What will be will be. We will do the best we can.

I own the movie The Road, and I make it a point to watch it at least once a year. It is the fate I fear the most, to be starving and alone, forced to stay on the move and to trust no one. I watch it not to be scared by it but to honour those billions around the world who have already experienced catastrophe. There are so many whose entire way of life ended, and once the hype died down the media moved on to the next top story as they continued to suffer.  The people of this planet experience Armageddon over and over again. Lives are torn apart and sewn back together, too many to name, each equally devastating to those who survived it. The world doesn’t have to end for people to lose everyone they’ve ever loved and everything they’ve ever had.


This image is what looms in our minds when we think of an apocalypse. Humans tend to perceive that nothing can be won without death and destruction. Because we see war and violence as the root of change, war and violence will be what we draw down upon us if the majority becomes convinced that change is what we need. Now that we have all asked for such a fate we may as well accept responsibility for it.  What can we do to accept responsibility?

disastersLive in the present moment. Reach out to those in need around us and do what we can to help them. For a future full of peril and fear remaining steady we will weather whatever storm in the very best possible manner. To live in the fear of unknown possible outcomes is to add to the destruction. To lose all hope, become hysteric and panic is to advance the hysteria and panic of those around us. If we are partdisaster5 of the solution instead of the problem we will lessen the suffering of those around us. Anyone who lives a life of service will tell you that helping others is to help ourselves.

disasters1If The End were to occur tomorrow, it would be lunacy to suggest that we could somehow not feel fear. I, myself, would be scared to death. I would worry, I would not sleep. None of us would. Many of us would die, and most of those horribly. But it is possible to do our best to participate in the solution, however afraid we are while we are doing so. It is possible to die knowing disaster7that you did everything that you could to ease the suffering of those around you. I’ll save the worry for when that time comes; for now, I won’t waste one minute on trying to imagine what could happen. After all, the future does not exist, nor does the past. We only have this moment, and how we choose to spend it does have consequences on not only us but those around us.

Stay in tune with the needs of the world. Rise up against injustice, make whatever difference is in your heart to make. But base your uprisings on love, not fear. Fear is no companion for such times. It has a powerful ability to destroy, while love has a powerful ability to create that which did not exist before. Love can heal.

Thurman AliveIt would be best to grow and can your own food, to learn to hunt. It would be best to stock up on supplies, to hoard water or even ammunition. But few of us will accomplish these things, and for this majority of grossly unprepared people, the greatest practice that can be done is learning to still your sails in the storm.

If you don’t have money to stock up on supplies, stock up instead on inner peace and silence. Run survivalist drills of living in the moment. It’s more than just a practice of being clear enough to tend to the needs of others, being calm in the storm can cause miracles to happen to you. Events can work in your favour in ways that you cannot even imagine. Ways are made that would be shut to the panicked crowd, opportunities to survive available even with death all around. Within faith lies the power to defy all odds. By worrying we are literally assuring that none of those miracles will happen to us. We are keeping the very help we desire on the other side of the door.

The world will be what it is. It will shake and break and blister in the fires of change. Let us not cry, cringe and cower before it but stand strong, holding out our hands for anyone who wishes to walk the way together.

Oakenshield Fires

Fire Bukowski

Fire and Rain

Einstein Compassion

Traubel Fire

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The Learned Non-Use Of Positive Emotion