The Rose~Coloured Universe

Cocoon Nebula

It is so easy to sit here in my comfortable, safe living room, in the peaceful woods of a peaceful nation, and say that all is right with the world. I have all the food I could ever want to eat and at least enough money to live. I have white skin, blonde hair and blue eyes and know everything there is to know about “white privilege”.

Meanwhile there are people out there starving and suffering; not just a few people, many, many people. There are young boys with guns and men with knives caught in the middle of a war they do not want to fight. There are people sold into slavery; young girls in sex trafficking rings and women forced to sell their bodies for money they never see. There are mothers dying of AIDS with no one to take care of their children. People being oppressed for the colour of their skin and natural disasters that are killing and displacing thousands upon thousands of people. With every new terrorist act innocent people’s lives are being torn apart. There are physically~ and/or mentally~challenged elders who are being abused by the very people who are supposed to take care of them. Right now, at this very moment, there is someone somewhere being kept in a hole in the ground, beaten, starved, cold and alone, dreading the moment their captors return to do god~knows~what to them.

I could go on forever listing all the horrors of the world, they are too numerous to even name. When we turn our attention to the suffering of man we find that it overwhelms us.

Black RoseThough I have not experienced every type of suffering, I have experienced more than most people I know, yet it is nothing compared to what many people in the world experience. I can say that I am glad for what suffering I have experienced. None of it has been for any reason but for my own personal growth. In fact, it is my belief that I specifically asked for these things to happen and chose Earth as the place they would occur, precisely as they have.

This state of mind is incomprehensible when considering young children who are sold into slavery by their parents. It is a cold, calculated thing to say, when considering the ethnic cleansing and rape~genocide of the gentle peoples of the Sudan; that they would have asked for this thing to happen to them and specifically chosen for themselves atrocities beyond my comprehension or experience. I have never been there, and I could not possibly understand.

However, there is a place that I have been which few other people have ever witnessed, a place no one can say they have any complete understanding of. It is a place that answers the every question of human suffering. I call it the “Next”. The Next is what comes after this life. It is a place that any of us can go if we wish, at any time. This place is different for each person who goes there. It is what we are training for, to purify ourselves until we are ready to exist in the realms of pure spirit. This is a place that we came from, a place we are returning to. We chose to be here, now, living whatever life we are living right now, and when it is done we return to the Next and decide if we need to move on or come back here again. We return if we need different lessons, or if we want to help those who are here with the lessons they are living.

Purple RoseThere are many people who have visited this Next, people who have left the physical world and returned with the same message. This message is that we are all connected, and that all that awaits us is love. This Love instantly abolishes pain, instantly repays all suffering as if it never existed. You could have lived every waking moment of a human lifetime in excruciating pain and horror and enter the Next to find that you would do it all again, one million times over, in order to taste even one drop of that Love. Even the most evil soul would abandon its hate at the feet of this Love, and be taken in by it equally. We are not here to be judged, though that is not to say there is not justice in the Next. We choose our path and, by doing so, we choose our reward or punishment.

Every single one of us came from that Love and is a part of it. It is that very Love which we return to in the end. I have listed a few of the better~known experiences in my post entitled Diverging the Great Divisionary, with a link to a website that details many religious and mystical experiences.

Blue RoseSo many of us believe that Earth is our reality; that we are physical beings first and foremost and that when we die we become something else, something we never have been before. The Next showed me that we were not originally physical beings and that we have forgotten this fact. Not only that but we chose to forget, so that we could learn how to return over and over again.

Every one of us has been the abuser, and every one of us the abused. It all depends on which lifetime you are working in and what lessons you wish to learn. The purpose for this is to experience Every~ Experience~Ever~Experienced. We are explorers. What explorer does not what to know all that exists? On Earth our explorers climb the highest mountains, survey the depths of the oceans. Our souls are inquisitive. There is no nook or cranny that we do not want to know the full extent of, all that this life has to offer. In my Next I saw that it is the same with “God”, experiencing Every~Experience~Ever~Experienced through us; looking through our eyes, knowing suffering and joy equally through our choices. In the Next all realities exist.

Rose~coloured as I am, I believe that every soul creates its own reality. I cannot look at the person next to me on the street and say that his/her universe is not real, and yet we all tend to believe our own realities are the sole truth in the cosmos. This is a large part of why I have chosen to study physics. I want to try and help prove that thought creates all we see around us, and that there is no one Cardinal Truth.

Even those who don’t believe my version of the universe and the Next are right, they will not find what I have found when they move on. If you disagree with what you are reading here or do not want to believe it, you are right, it is not true for you. If something is not true for you then it is not true for your entire universe. You will look around and see zero evidence of it anywhere, and then be tempted to claim that it is not true for anyone. However, the more we realize that we are each our own universe, the less we judge others and the more we accept every universe as valid.

Green RoseIn my universe humans are multi~dimensional beings, and this is a concept that we are just now becoming familiar with. With each new choice we switch dimensions; in these brink moments we alter the direction we are headed. As rose~coloured as it sounds, any of us can choose to remove ourselves from any amount of suffering by working to change our base state.

Let us look to Darfur for an example. Th natives of that land never asked to be treated as they have been. They are a simple, beautiful people who, left to their own devices, would live in harmony. The moment that a Sudanese woman chooses to harden her heart and believe the evidence her situation tells her about the world (men are evil/the world is a horrible place full of pain/ justice does not exist), she concretes those facts into a truth and that truth into a reality. This alters her direction away from the Love she is attempting to return to. Who would blame her? She sees no evidence of justice anywhere. These are events completely outside her ability to control. Or are they?


If she chooses to love herself she moves one step closer to what she meant herself to be, which is one step further away from suffering. She now has a chance for peace, as opposed to holding on to the justifiable hatred and fear that would cause living to continue to be hell. When she believes in justice against all odds, she alters the world around her.

Her pain is overwhelming; every waking moment in fear, literally living a horror story. These women get raped and have children who grow up to be raped by their fathers. And yet, within dimensions of perception there are any infinite number of outcomes, which we, ourselves, control. I know how my rose~coloured view sounds, and it took me many years to get to the point that I could say it out loud. Anyone that has experienced the Next has seen the bigger picture, the outcome of all suffering and the justice that is served upon transition.

Cat's Eye NebulaThe choices are infinite here. We decided what lessons we wanted to learn, and physical life has created them for us. I speak from experience, it is this very process which set me free. As I, engulfed in utter darkness, reached for a light that I could not yet see, I found the light was also reaching for me. But this process takes time. Survivors survive because they want to continue.

What of those who don’t survive? What if that Sudanese woman chooses to kill herself rather than be abused one more time? What if, though she chose that suffering for herself, she decided that it was too hard for her and that she didn’t want to learn the lesson anymore? Some lessons are so hard, and cause so much suffering that humans remove themselves from the experience completely. If we could remember that we chose these experiences would they be any easier? Don’t we all have the choice to learn a lesson or to leave it? Who can judge her for leaving, for starting over?

I have found very few stories of those who survived concentration camps during WWII who have forgiven their abusers, much to the horror of other survivors.  Here is one such story of a woman who survived Auschwitz~Birkenau. She and her twin were experimented on by the infamous Dr. Mengele. Her entire family died in that camp, and her twin due to complications years later, yet she refused the justified hate, desiring, as she put it, to “remove the burden of the victim mentality from my shoulders”.

Eva Kor

Even in the face of the most inhuman acts that man can dish out, there are some that reach towards forgiveness. Those are the ones who will suffer less, but sometimes we come here to know suffering. Those who can forgive are the ones who will have a chance for happiness, because their hearts are not being eaten away by injustice. But sometimes we came here to know unhappiness. Those who refuse forgiveness are justified. Those who accept forgiveness have no justification whatsoever, they simply don’t want to suffer inside anymore. Carrying hate is so taxing, exhausting.

It seems that injustice is one of those events of physical life that people find it hardest to overcome. When there is no closure, no answer for the injustice suffered, our minds circle in attempts to try and make sense of it. The brain becomes obsessed with solving a puzzle that cannot be solved because pertinent pieces, such as a reason good enough to have done what was done, are missing. I know firsthand how insane that circling can make someone, how it can turn a life upside down.

Orange RoseIf Love is the ultimate end, how could the pain we suffer be needless and in vain? If everything is connected and love is the largest thing, no matter how brutal, how horrific, how devastating the suffering is, it is the blink of an eye compared to the eternity that awaits.

It is so easy to look at the suffering of the world from a point of pain and say that it is forced upon us, that we have no choice but to suffer. In that same sense, it is easy to look at the suffering of the world from a point of joy and say that it has every reason to exist, and that it is making us all better having experienced it. How could Heaven be so beautiful were Hell not so horrible? If life on Earth was peace and unity, what would we have to strive for? What purpose would a physical existence serve, if not to purify us in the magma of igneous change?

I no longer suffer. This is a thing that not many people can claim. That’s not to say that I do not experience pain, it’s simply that pain is now an external thing, no longer reflected on the inside. In truth, I feel guilty that I no longer suffer, because I’m terrified of forgetting what it was like to suffer and losing my empathy for those who still do. I’m afraid to become like others who turn a blind eye to the suffering of their fellow man. So I create physical ailments for myself. I’m quite good at it, no sickness that I have made for myself has any cure: sacroiliac joint dysfunction, spinal problems causing pinched nerves and severe migraines, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, psoriasis, eczema, keratosis pilaris, gluten intolerance and food allergies, diverticulitis, high blood pressure, uterine fibroids and cysts causing miscarriage and incontinence. I continue to create pain for myself because some part of me believes that as, as humans, we cannot escape it. Somewhere deep down inside me I believe that we should not escape it. Humans have believed these things for centuries. It’s not easy to deny our DNA, but we can.

Should I, with my white privilege and safe, comfortable lifestyle, continue on in pain as some form of punishment to myself for having created an existence in which I no longer suffer? What form of conundrum is this, that I have survived my upbringing, my rapists, my family, my abusers and myself, and yet I feel I do not deserve to live a life free of suffering? I could very easily have blamed the world for my problems. I could have justified the fact that others have done things to me and taken on the full role of a victim. I never asked for these things to happen to me, I didn’t deserve them. Who could have blamed me, if I had continued to suffer?


Yellow RoseHow many of us look at the homeless junkie on the street and see someone who has been hurt? How many of us look at the terrorist that killed 50 people and think that “Poor thing, he must have really suffered in his life”? Who does not judge him for believing in his cause as much as I believe in mine? If he can believe in a cause of pure hate then I can believe in a rose~coloured cause of a Love more pure than any Earth has to offer.

Suffering is relative. Who has suffered more, the boy who was beaten by his father once and committed suicide afterwards, or the boy who was beaten for eighteen years by his father and, with head held high, continued to live? The wealthy white man living on a Caribbean beach who wishes he was dead every day of his life, or the destitute black boy on the dangerous streets of Detroit that decides not to join a gang and goes to college instead? How can any of us look at another human, an entirely different universe than our own, and claim to know the weight of their suffering?

Racism is one way that people suffer, but is there more racism than there is starvation? Is there more starvation than abuse? Is there more abuse than their is war? Privilege denies pain, it says that one person has a life that’s easier than another. We are all here learning lessons from all walks of life. To claim that one person has privilege over another is to say that only certain kinds of suffering are relevant. It only perpetuates suffering and spreads ill will. Instead of pointing fingers we should all point to ourselves. As Tom Shadyac’s beautiful documentary says: “What is the cause of suffering in the world? Who is to blame and what is the cure?

I AM.”

It doesn’t begin by forgiving, I begins by learning to love yourself. The forgiving comes afterwards. In my personal universe, first I had to realize that none of what people made me believe about myself was true. Rape makes one feel worthless. Abuse makes one feel they deserve it. This belief in what has been taught hangs on much longer than we even realize. It, more than the abuse that was suffered, affects every waking moment of our lives. It causes us to have mental and physical ailments. It causes us to kill ourselves with thoughts (depression) as well as poisons (drugs/alcohol, etc) as, inside, we attempt to carry out the death sentence that we believe we deserve.

Once I realized that nothing I had been taught about myself was true, I was then free to re~discover exactly who and what I am, someone that I had never really known but had been told was bad. The more I made peace with myself the more peaceful the world became around me. Slowly I stopped being abused. I stopped abusing myself. I stopped being around people that hurt me. My world kept changing and changing with every new change inside me.

White RoseSome of us feel that, to remove ourselves from suffering, we must be removed from the world for a time. As we feel better and better we hide from anything that may cause us to feel bad again. We begin to believe that the rose~coloured universe is where we belong; that suffering is for those “out there”, and that if we stay “in here” we won’t be hurt again.

However, once suffering has breathed its last breath inside us we start looking at the world “out there” and realizing that we can actually help ease the suffering of others. We no longer want to stay hidden away from pain because we’re no longer afraid of it, because it has no power over us anymore.

Slowly but surely the outside world began to reflect what was on the inside. One day I looked around and realized that all the bad things that were happening to others weren’t happening to me, from the largest thing to the smallest thing. But I saw the suffering around me all over the world, and my heart broke because I remembered what it was like to be them. Americans suffer less than anyone, and we are hated most because we are largely governed by the inability to comprehend the suffering of others. I am both lucky and sad to be an American, because here are hearts that encompass everyone, and here are hearts that reject everyone. It would take much suffering for this country to remember its Oneness with the human family.

And yet I cannot change America, I can only change myself. From this place of non~suffering I see people reaching for what I have found. I share my maps with them, and my hope. I can say that I have suffered and come out the other side. I can only love others, hold their hand and listen to them when they need to talk.

Love is all we were given for our journey here, and everything that awaits us when we go.


“A man is the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.”
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~ Gandhi (India)

“He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty.”
“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.” ~Lao Tsu (China)

“Det är som mörkast innan gryningen” {It’s always darkest before the dawn} (Swedish Proverb)

“Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable. … Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.” ~M.L. King Jr. (America)

“Nothing is more active than thought, for it travels over the universe, and nothing is stronger than necessity for all must submit to it.” ~Thales (Greece)

“Beyond right and wrong there is a field. I will meet you there.”
“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” ~Rumi (Persia)

“All action results from thoughts, so it is thoughts that matter.”
“Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process.” ~Sai Baba (India)

“Du skal kravle, før du can gå” {You must crawl before you can walk} (Norse Proverb)

“More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.”
“Our body has this defect that, the more it is provided care and comforts, the more needs and desires it finds.” ~ St. Teresa of Avila (Spain)

“In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.”
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama (Tibet)

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” ~Buddha (India)

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” ~Jesus (Israel)

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
“Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.” ~Mother Teresa (Albania)

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
“If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points in the other and correct them in myself.” ~Confucius (China)


The Reality of Silence


Most of us are familiar with the spiritual theory that everything we are looking for is in the “silence between thoughts”, but few of us truly comprehend the meaning…myself included. Generally it is the teachers themselves who have reached this level of understanding. Most teach around it, giving mankind day~to~day advice that can be used to eventually “reach the spiritual heights” necessary to even comprehend such an idea. The reason for this is that once we have reached a certain level we don’t need to be told about it, we experience it firsthand, when peace fills the spaces~ once~painful, as thoughts give way to silence.

I have struggled with the idea of silence for many years. Every advancement I have ever made has been because I have thought (and fought) my way through life. I’ve picked myself apart piece by piece, separating what is false from what is true. I have worked though my childhood traumas one by one with no small effort of thought. I have watched others who I yearned to be like and emulated what I saw in them to help perfect myself. How, then, can silence possibly outweigh the years of fighting to become this better “me” that I have become?


I think, therefore I am…Darwin

Dr. Richard Alpert describes two schools of thought. The Dualists believe that we must use methods to gain integration of all aspects of the psyche, discarding the method when it is no longer needed. The opposition (Dwightists, W. Dwight Whitney), believe that we should stop talking, stop thinking and simply BE. What’s ironic about Dwightists is that only those who have surpassed the method stage can follow their advice. I wouldn’t think that someone who has reached such a height would look back and expect everyone else to be able to follow along, but I suppose it seems so obvious a route to take that the process doesn’t occur to them. Though these Non-Dualists do have a point, it’s not exactly the most practical approach for the average person. They are absolutely right about the cessation of thought being the quickest route to complete understanding, the genesis of pure creation and the allowance of all the universe to rise to our every need. However, in my life I have found that I am just now able to be in a place still enough that I can reap the rewards that silence has to offer.

Once you begin to consider a concept it is likely that you are already heading towards the understanding of it, thus longing to understand is the first step in reaching towards these goals. Meditation is a great way to move in the direction of silence, but many people get easily disillusioned by the process because it is not quick and certainly not easy. We tend to complicate the simplicity of it and expect instant results or even noticeable results in a couple of weeks or a month.

Simplicity Einstein

We have become so used to thinking that we have a very hard time letting thoughts go. Generally the beginnings of meditation cause thought to increase rather than decrease and we find ourselves being lost in thought more often than we release it. I have found that until I’ve sat still for at least 30 minutes I cannot even begin to release my thoughts. This is why so few people succeed in reaching silence, most of us don’t have the time. Frustration can lead to an intensified thought process, called by some the “monkey mind” in which your mind furiously bounces from one thought to the other uncontrollably.

In all reality, we should all make time in our day to meditate, as it is the single solution to all the problems of life. There really is no such thing as having no time to meditate, though many of us (myself included) tend to believe this fallacy. If you look at people such as the actor Viggo Mortenson, who has a family, speaks three languages fluently and can hold a conversation in four others, writes poetry, plays piano, enjoys futbol, paints and pursues photography as well as owning his own publishing company, you can see that there is more time in a day than most of us realize. How is this possible? Being that time does not exist, we can stretch it if we so desire. When you reach for the stars you find that they reach to meet you in return and miracles are made. This is what I remind myself often and yet I still continue to keep myself from a consistent study of silence.

The first time I experienced pure silence was in a field. I had longed for a return to the relationship with nature that I had as a child, which had been lost to me over many years. While living in a duplex I found myself across the street from a field, where I began to sit when I had free time. I wasn’t trying to meditate or silence my thoughts in any way, I only wanted to get away and enjoy the sights and sounds of nature. I did begin to practice some techniques eventually, it was as if nature drew me towards it.


One day no different from any other I found myself sitting in a chair I had dragged to the field. I was lost in thought, surrounded by tall buffalo grass and all forms of wildlife. Staring off into space my mind got quiet as I listened to the waving of the grass in wind and the songs of birds.

Suddenly everything human inside me ceased to exist. I was absolutely silent inside, devoid of any thought. I was not myself any more than I was the wind that blew the grass, the grass that housed the insects, the insect that moved down to the soil and the soil itself. The feeling was that of pure Oneness with all things and it was utter bliss. I had the ability to experience existence as everything simultaneously.


Other, more recent experiences with silence have produced the same results. There is a wave that emanates from the source of all that is good, a wave that is blocked off by thought. Think of silence like a cure for every human ailment; medicine for physical sickness, neutrality for judgment, a oneness for separation and the quieting of the ego. When we are silent inside the true “us” is allowed to shine through…which just so happens to be all things in the universe. Without approval and disapproval we can traverse the world without hurting anyone or anything. We say the right things at the most perfect moments when we are not speaking through the ego. Without a brain full of useless thoughts we learn faster and retain more. We see opportunities open up for us that we had held ourselves back from with doubts and worries. We meet people that we never would have met before. Beyond the infinite benefits, silence is living in a world where all is as it should be. It’s the single cure~all, the sole answer for the hindrances that hold the soul back from advancement. We are silence, the state of thought is unnatural to us. It’s nothing we are learning, rather something we are remembering. We came from silence and to silence we return.


We spend so much of our thoughts trying to solve the problems that would organically disappear were we to incorporate silence into our lives. Truly it can be said that heading in the direction of silence is the single most important endeavor of man. Ironically it is the least~sought of all endeavors, but even this is part of the plan. In silence we see that all, truly, is as it should be, in every way. Once we are on the path we can’t exactly stray from it. Maybe we’ll move slower in the direction of advancement than those who do make time for silence, but we will progress nonetheless.

After living in silence for awhile I began to pull away from the polar opposites of both highs and lows; those obsessive qualities of man that are equally distasteful when the trustworthy and constant state of silence is attained. I began to see that suffering is most often due to thinking that the world isn’t as it should be; an ingrained belief that things are only right when we feel good, and that when we feel bad we have fallen away from goodness. A series of less~than~enjoyable events can build on each other until we have lost our way. But silence is a state one can return to in any situation, causing immediate relief by peeling back the layers we build up and returning to the beginning again. Once you come to rely on silence, you don’t want the manic highs anymore than you want the depressive lows. To be the tree in this image is to be silence. Pure existing, without the downfalls of thought.

Birds of Joy and Sorrow

V. Vasnetsov’s “Birds of Joy and Sorrow”

The secret is to enjoy every step, and silence holds the most enjoyment we could possibly experience. We should not berate ourselves for how far from silence we have strayed because every waking moment we are choosing to walk towards it or not, depending on what is most important to learn at any given moment.

If you take anything away from this, let it be your right to choose what direction you will take. I have only briefly tasted of silence, I am no more adept at it than most. However, I can assure you that once you taste even one drop of the bliss that awaits you in silence you will do everything in your power to get more. When each breath is a gift that makes you want to cry with the joy of simply being alive, but you don’t cry because you are calm and sure and steady, you see that you were meant for silence and that your soul is forever longing to return to it.

I’ve posted a page with a short video from Eckhardt Tolle with some good advice for how to practice silence during an average day.

Let’s just…think about it. Hehe.

Silence 1

In Wait For The Other

Twin Flame F

Man’s need for understanding and acceptance is almost universally shared, as is man’s cynical outlook on the possibility of these desires fulfilled. However, as realistic as we are about human relationships and as honest as we are about the odds, most of us are still secretly wishing for that one person that understands; that true love, that fairy tale love that too many no longer believe exists. That love would be the answer to every question rumbling inside like so many earthquakes, upheavals of the abandoned soul.

These days technologically-sponsored interaction often replaces the one~on~one experience and relationships rarely last. Many people have become resigned to be with whoever comes along and acts interested, or who has the most details in common. Once in a relationship, the “honeymoon period” doesn’t last long enough, and alertness to the fact that something is still missing dulls. People don’t think it’s odd that they are not getting what they need from a relationship because they look around and see that no one else is getting what they need, either.

Eventually these relationships evolve based on past negative experiences and bitter bonds are formed, walls that hold people from true acceptance and agreement. Categories are created and filled as being right takes top priority. Soon it’s man against woman or alpha against beta.

Many people have never known what happiness feels like, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting it. Deep inside, that ‘something’s not right’ feeling hunts them, keeps them ill at ease. Days, months and years wind by in lonliness and singularity and sometimes people just give up.


Spiritual study can make us feel like something is wrong with us if we haven’t created that perfect someone in our lives. The fairy tale relationship is widly publicized in such circles. There are websites on the “twin flame” relationship, with suggestions on how to draw our Other Half towards us by opening our chakras or sending out energies. We start to believe that we cannot be whole without the Other in our lives.

We take up the quest. In every face we search for the One, knowing that once we find he/she our troubles will be over. But the “true Flame” relationship is even rare amongst those who have found who they were searching for. There are all manner of documented accounts of those who feel they’ve found their “twin flame” but have been rejected. After awhile people feel their time ticking away and fear they won’t know how to tell if they’ve passed the Other by without knowing it. The entire process is rife with sorrow and uncertainty, like staring into the abyss of eternal longing.



Some spiritual teachers claim that there is no such thing as a “twin soul”, because we are all originate from the same Source. They are right. However, there is definitely something akin to the twin soul out there. I know because I have found mine. Perhaps He is the closest in proximity vibrationally, I’m not sure. All I know is that I have found what everyone is searching for.

From this vantage point I look around and see that every one of us is headed towards this end, if not in this life then eventually. I was once lonely, misunderstood and misunderstanding just like everyone else. One day loneliness no longer served my purpose, and only then the Other came. If I’d have spent those years perfecting myself instead of obsessed with the search for someone to make me feel whole, I’d have saved myself much anguish and been more an equal to Him, who had spent His years wisely.

Look around you, you’ll see the process everywhere. There are trees that have grown thick of trunk in the forest as well as those that are ripped from the soil to make way for shopping malls in the city. There are cats who are starving, discarded on some gravel road and there are those whose job it is to be loved. Everyone and everything is in the process of change, or the refusal of change.

Once you have found your Other, you will look back from heaven and see that we really are choosing our reality moment by moment. You’ll be able to trace every single step it took to get there. You’ll see that every year of loneliness was of dire importance to your growth and that you had to take every step in order to be in the perfect position to benefit (and get benefit from) such a love.

What is it that you are moving towards? Bliss. Utter and complete cooperation. Total understanding and acceptance, eternally. “Arguments” consist of one person wanting the other to choose the movie you will watch. Every choice is made together, falling into the rhythm of picking up where the other left off, whatever that may mean. It does not mean you are perfect, it means that you allow the other completely, and they you.

Twin Flame 9

Twin flame relationships are so often sensationalized by images of sexual beings interlocked in embrace. Though the human, sex~based versions of ecstasy are true of this relationship physical desire is secondary, the least of the pure ecstasy a complete soul union with another is capable of providing: another entire dimension of life, unspoken words between the words, exquisite moments invisible to the crowd, inside jokes that no one else would care to comprehend, full cooperation. It is a relationship too magical and amazing to be shared with others, and often sharing it generally causes people to feel the lack in their own lives. Thus, the discovery of the “final home” within another should be a journey the two of you take largely alone. You won’t need to tell people about it, everyone will benefit from what you’ve found.

Many videos you can watch about this topic speak of a certain responsibility these couples have to the world, two souls as “Lightgivers” (or any number of other names) who must dedicate themselves to use their connection to help those around them in some way. It’s not something you must go out of your way to achieve. By simply learning to love yourself completely through your love of the Other, the two of you carry Light wherever you go. Everyone that knows you loves to be in your presence because you love yourself, and them. You are comfortable with yourself enough that you can be comfortable with anyone just as they are. People pick up on that, they hunger for acceptance. It’s incredible to watch people melt and soften, laugh and be themselves because they are allowed to. Even those who react negatively to everyone else can’t get enough of the Love that spills so organically out to them through the Two. Every moment that others are allowed through you to be the very best they can be, they move towards their own goals, their own dreams realized, their own Love. Twin Flames are mirrors that reflect the very best of others back at them.

Twin Flame D

The first step is to give up the obsession with finding such a One. In this lifetime you may and you may not. The truth of the matter is that your true intent may even be hidden from you; you may have come here specifically not to find your Other. You won’t continue to put yourself in a position to be alone once your time to be alone is done. It’s the hardest thing to do, to give up searching for the Other. You need, instead, to wait for the Other, and in that waiting do them (and the world) the service of perfecting yourself.

I met my Other ten years before we realized we were One…whatever being One means. Thank the stars I had that ten years, I would have ruined it all. When I met Him I was a drug~addicted depressive, the opposite of what Love represents. Even once I knew He was mine I squandered precious years, feeling like the time ticking away between us was lost forever. I used to wonder if we would ever be ours. The stress I put on Him because of my rushing only made our separation more difficult. I spent every moment attempting to somehow force events to work in our favour. It only hindered our progress towards eachother. Hindsight is, indeed, 20/20.

One single year with the Other made up for a literal eternity that I was alone. October marked our 5th anniversary, and we laughed thinking about past times that seemed so profoundly desperate. We must always remember that time really does not exist. Six minutes can be a lifetime in bliss, and we still have 40 years ahead of us.

Twin Flame Stellar

How do you know if you have found your Other? I have seen this question asked over and over. The answer is resounding: you cannot not know. If you aren’t sure then chances are it’s not the Other you’ve found. You begin remembering not only the past lives you’ve spent with them but those you’ve spent without them. Synchronicity and symmetry abound, such as happening to look at the clock every time it is 11:11. Everywhere you look they are there, in everything. Magic happens all around you. Whether or not the two of you are ready to be together, or ready to make changes so that you can be, you both know without a doubt that you were somehow meant.

When I first found Him we thought of ourselves as twins in the sibling sense. I called him Brother, He called me Sister. Slowly our feelings grew but we denied them, as we were both in other relationships at the time. One day He happened upon Twin Flame videos on YouTube, but kept them from me because they all had some sexual connotation or spoke of two in love. Two weeks later I happened upon the same videos quite by accident. He confessed to having already seen them. We both knew that we were Twin Flames, but wondered why there were no videos about those who were Sister and Brother like us. We searched for others and couldn’t find them. Eventually we had to accept that we were in love.

I broke my bonds first, which went more smoothly than I could have planned. The dissolution of His relationship, in the end, had nothing to do with Him. Everything happened as it should because we were never dishonest or untrue. Rushing anything before its time would have caused a catastrophe and possibly may have kept us apart. I have heard accounts of those who are too afraid to change everything about their lives and go on without one another. This seems devastating, but I can easily see how it might happen.

Twin Flame Lost

My Other had much more to change and to lose than I did. He was married with children, whereas I only had a boyfriend. He could very well have refused to change and spent His life without me. The decision would have been agonizing, but His wife was already not happy and it was she who ended the relationship. Now she is happy; going back to school, moving towards realization of her dreams, and the children enjoy two families that love them. My ex~boyfriend started biking and eating right, cut his hair off and lost weight and is now doing well also. We’re better friends than we ever were. It’s worked out splendidly for all involved.

It’s important to remember that this union is the most beneficial to mankind. Moving mountains to make it happen, no matter how heavy, will benefit all involved, though doing this dishonestly will be your downfall. It’s also important to remember that moving towards your own happiness is the most beneficial step for mankind as well, no matter what that means doing. This fleeting human life is so small compared to what awaits, you are only hindering yourself if you refuse to take measures to move towards joy.

I do feel like finding Him has been the final step, in a sense. By letting go of the longing I now can fill that time with more important things. However, I only found Him because I was waiting, because that was the end I wanted from this life. Finding one who accepts you completely can be the final step you asked for in accepting yourself, which is one of the major reasons you’re here. So much of the things that bothered you incessantly about the world fade away and become pointless to discuss because you don’t want to ruin the moment.

The realization returns again and again: living as if we have already made our dreams come true is what calls those very dreams into being.  Your wait for the Other is best suited to becoming the happiest you, the most peaceful you, the “You” that you will be once you find Love with a capital “L”.

Diverging the Great Divisionary: The Religious Experience


All spiritual seekers sooner or later come to the fabled gate of the religious experience, emerging from a higher realm having experienced the “Oneness Of All Things”. Time and time again people account having ‘returned’ from their visions or journeys with this message. There is an ecstasy as we come in contact with this state, the purest essence of ourselves and everything that awaits us in the higher worlds of formlessness.

Though the visions are all different, each one tailor made to the visioner, the general theme is the same; the connection between every soul that has ever existed is a singular one, and all are connected in turn to the Great One who some call God, Source, It or Self.


Luca Girodano’s Dream of Solomon

Many life~changing visions have been recorded, including the famous atheist A. J. Ayer who, it can be said, did not die as such. I searched for comments online from people who have shared their experiences with the magic that awaits, finding a website which hopes to become the compendium for religious/mystical experience. If you have an experience to share you should post it there. Feel free to write any such experiences here as well.

Mystical Experience Registry

JungCarl Jung: “It was as if I were in an ecstasy. I felt as though I were floating in space, as though I were safe in the womb of the universe—in a tremendous void, but filled with the highest possible feeling of happiness. Everything around me seemed enchanted…Night after night I floated in a state of purest bliss, thronged round with images of all creation.”


Virginia Woolf: “If life has a base that it stands upon, if it is a bowl that one fills and fills and fills—then my bowl without a doubt stands upon this memory. It is of hearing the waves breaking, one, tow, one, two, and sending a splash of water over the beach; and then breaking, one, two, one, two, behind a yellow blind. It is of hearing the blind draw its little acrorn across the floor as the wind blew the blind out. It is of lying and hearing this splash and seeing this light, and feeling, it is almost impossible that I should be here; of feeling the purest ecstasy I can conceive.”

Jane GoodallJane Goodall: “It was at though the music itself was alive. That moment, a suddenly captured moment of eternity, was perhaps the closest I have ever come to experiencing ecstasy, the ecstasy of the mystic….it is hard now, after twenty years, to recapture that moment of ecstasy in the cathedral—although the experience has never left me. It became incorporated into the warp and woof of my very being. If I hear Bach’s fugue, no matter where I am, the result is the same: just as the chimes of Big Ben trigger an unconscious spasm of fear, so that music floods my whole being with love, joy, and a sort of spiritual exaltation.”

Arthur KoestlerArthur Koestler: “Verbal transcriptions that come nearest to it are: the unity and interlocking of everything that exists, an interdependence like that of gravitational fields or communicating vessels. The “I” ceases to exist because it has, by a kind of mental osmosis, established communication with, and been dissolved in, the universal pool. It is the process of dissolution and limitless expansion which is sensed as the “oceanic feeling,” as the draining of all tension, the absolute catharsis, the peace that passeth all understanding.”

Divining The Brain

The sign of a truly religious experience is that it drastically and permanently changes the way one sees and reacts to the world. The prime reason for that change is not meeting “god” or traveling to distant realms, but attaining a comprehension of self-love which leads to a love for all. When we learn that we are beautiful and perfect just as we are, it becomes much easier to understand the good and bad aspects of those around us as equal in benefit. As we learn to accept ourselves just as we are, we learn to accept others in the same manner and the world becomes an incredible, magical, amazing place to live.

That does not mean, however, that one becomes Mother Teresa overnight. In my experience I lived every life ever lived, experienced every experience ever experienced, and yet I am still prey to the most subtle judgments about others. The difference now is that I am (sometimes painfully) aware of these judgments as they happen. I see this as nothing less than a benefit, as the work of retraining the mind towards positivity is a process we should all become familiar with as quickly as possible.

Once we become aware of the subtle judgments we make about others, we look around and think it is no wonder that the world is as racially/socially/materially discriminatory as it is. Those of the Narrow Way are few, as any book on the subject of ascension will tell you. The rest of us, those who have not yet “awakened” to our true purpose, merely follow our thoughts wherever they take us. We do this every day of our lives, causing great suffering to ourselves and others. We judge others for the most audacious reasons.

The single reason behind the judgments we make of others is the way we feel about ourselves. My father used to remind me of this quite often when I was of school age, a ‘metalhead’ of the eighties with a particular disgust for ‘preps’. “What you hate in others is what you hate about yourself,” he would say. It would infuriate me, because in my mind I hated them for all the reasons they were different than me. And yet, looking back, I shared their same need to fit in, their same judgment of others. Pappa was right.

Love Hicks

Therefore, it behooves each and every one of us to think about those we judge and then search for the origin of that trait in ourselves. This is what some mean by humans as mirrors of one another. To be aware of our own disdain for others is to root out the aspects of ourselves that we disdain. When we find these bruises within ourselves we can stop ‘beating up’ those parts of us which we have deemed ‘unworthy’ and begin to accept that every single aspect of ourselves is worthy of the whole.

I went to see my twin sister today and she blew my mind. By her own definition she has spent 40 years as a ‘blind follower’ of the Christian faith. She is now blooming into a beautiful Christian, everything Jesus meant for her to be. Over the years I have sent her “New Age” videos that have gone unwatched and rejected. It’s understandable for a Christian to feel this way about such Paths, lead by people named Teal Swan and Abraham (the collective non~physical entity that speaks through Esther Hicks), as well as others with names like Ram Dass, whose ‘guru’ is the Maharaji. I understood why she rejected it, but still spent many years judging her for judging me.

Teal Swan

Teal Swan

Ram Dass

Ram Dass

Abraham HicksA couple of months ago I sent her a Ram Dass video…and it clicked. It was his blatant honesty about himself, his humility that she says she’s found little of in her own belief’s leaders. That’s not to say there are not gurus of the Christian faith, or any other faith for that matter. When something speaks to us we follow it, if it serves its purpose and we feel it departing, we move on from it. Lessons, lessons, everywhere. Part of what drew her to Ram Dass is that he is Jewish, and though she is not Jewish she has always closely related with that version of Christianity. Suddenly my religious sister began to speak of New Age concepts. She started asking questions, wanting to know what words meant that Ram Dass would say, like “guru” and “dharma”.

Swami Vivekananda

Today when I went to see her she said “Ram Dass is my guru.” I laughed and said “Cool!” to which she replied “No. I mean…he’s my guru, like…I feel him around me. He’s here. Teaching me.” I laughed again and said “Very cool!” He’s taught me a few things as well. I heard to him talk about guilt in a video on YouTube and it lead to an epiphany that caused me to exist in that place that Jung describes above; a couple of weeks of pure silence and acceptance of all things, lost in the pure bliss of moment~by~moment existence. When the experience began to fade I went back to listen again, hoping to catch the wave once more. Nowhere in the entire video had he ever mentioned guilt. That part that had so transformed me never existed.

In mere months my sister has advanced faster into awakening than I’d ever thought was possible. It took me 10 years of walking the Path to get this far, and in two months she has found a guru and has just about caught up with me. All it took was for her to work the steps of life that she was already working. That’s the key here, the concept most of us don’t grasp. It’s also a communal theme of the religious experience.

“Everything I do every day, every waking moment of my life is walking the Path.”

The realization I came to after experiencing every experience ever experienced is that every experience leads to the same end. We never ‘mess up’. We never ‘make mistakes’. We simply learn and change or refuse to change, both our choice. Even refusing to learn is a lesson. If we refuse to change, that lesson will come again at a later time, presenting itself once more as an opportunity to grow. Sometimes we learn parts of a lesson, and the more advanced part of it presents itself later in time. That’s the unique ability of physical reality. It’s why we came here, to learn in a physical, matter~based environment the lessons that will further our non~physical experience. When we have learned all there is to learn here we move back into the non~physical.


This is the basis for the concept of Oneness. We are ALL here doing exactly what we should be doing at the exact rate that we should be doing it. Every single one of us. To focus away from what others are “doing wrong” and towards what purpose we want for ourselves is to live the best possible life. What’s magical about this process is that the more we focus away from what displeases us about others, the less of that thing we experience around us. This is known as creating your reality. When you focus only on what you are doing and what you want to do, you move forward as quickly as possible.

The religious experience is akin to the woman who could not fully grow up until she had a child, or the man who looked down upon the poor until he lost everything. Until you have seen what is to come, the problems of Earth seem overwhelming and threaten to drive you to the point of madness. Once you step out and observe how fleeting this human life is and the vast spanse of eternity and endless possibility that awaits, you can’t ever go back to what you were before. You step one foot closer to that endlessness.

Religious Experience

I live in these waves sometimes, where something happens that triggers me to return to that experience of living all lives at once. Yesterday in Taco Bell I saw a young couple, obviously on drugs and angry at the world. They clung together like the denial of summer in fall, two leaves that would float down to the ground to be trampled by passing feet completely unaware of their existence: proof to them that the world was every bit as cold and compassionless as they’d been taught it was. As I watched their eyes scan the room in defiance and restlessness, daring anyone to stare at them, I saw a movie playing behind my eyes, countless other stories just like theirs; every life that had played out the same way, everyone who had ever taken that road, like grains of sand sifting in a giant hourglass. I was one of those grains of sand once. There is hope for them. There is hope for us all.


Dimensions of Perception: The Proposal of Schizophrenia/Disassociative/Depersonalization Disorders as Possible Multi-Dimensional Experience

schizophrenia butterfly

Let me first begin by saying I am in no way a scientist or a professional by any means, nor have any proof of the things I am saying. I have commented on what I have read or seen when applicable. These are merely ponderances I have made recently from various new informations I have received and am considering.

At there is a test that anyone can take to evaluate whether or not they may be schizophrenic or have schizophreniform~type disorders. The questions are as follows.

I feel that others control what I think and feel.

I hear or see things that others do not see.

I feel it is very difficult for me to express myself in words that others can understand.

I feel I share absolutely nothing in common with others, including my friends and family.

I believe in more than one thing about reality and the world around me that nobody else seems to believe in.

Others don’t believe me when I tell them the things I see and hear.

I can’t trust what I’m thinking because I don’t know if it’s real or not.

I have magical powers that nobody else has or can explain.

Others are plotting to get me.

I find it difficult to get ahold of my thoughts.

I am treated unfairly because others are jealous of my special abilities.

I talk to another person or other people inside my head that nobody else can hear.

I took this test, and this was my score.

” 31. Based upon your responses to this schizophrenia screening measure, you appear to have some signs commonly associated with schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Your responses are similar to others who experience symptoms of schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. This includes symptoms such as hallucinations and/or delusions, a poverty of speech, and/or emotional “flattening.” ”

Obviously I don’t have a poverty of speech, and I don’t suffer from any delusions that others control me, are plotting to get me or treat me unfairly, but as for the rest I can definitely be classified as closely associated with the disease.

My mother suffers from disassociative disorder, which was better~known back in the day as multiple personality, a schizophreniform disorder. She has four personalities that I have witnessed. I grew up in a world where demons were outside waiting to get in and evil lurked around every corner. Through her, God ruled with an iron fist, isolating us from the rest of the world.

I have quite a bit of insight into what it’s like to be mentally ill. I suffered with bipolar disorder with schizophrenic tendencies many years of my life, bouncing from one medication to the other. I was never irreversibly ill, but doctors believed I was. As a child, I thought that aliens were waiting in a space ship above me in the sky (which was actually a star), to take me away. They spoke to me through music I listened to (don’t laugh, it was Billy Idol’s “Whiplash Smile”), and told me exactly how to act and what to say to be good enough for them. I kept a diary specifically for their instructions.


Later in life I experienced paranoia, such as video cameras put in certain places to watch me. Still to this day I sometimes have fleeting thoughts about being watched, or that there are video cameras around, but it no longer controls me or affects my life. During my most depressive era I had an infestation of leprechauns that lived in a certain coffee table. My sisters experienced them as well. They would make things disappear. I remember having burned the table, but my sister recently told me that she still has the table but has no further problems with leprechauns.

I would hear voices that would try, gently and lovingly, to make me realize that everyone I loved would be much better off if I were dead. I would have visions of sacrificing myself to giant insect creatures who awaited with bloody mandibles. I sought to silence the voices and visions with drugs and alcohol.

Today, thanks to a lot of work and guidance I am as ‘normal’ as anyone else; free of medication, drugs and alcohol. What was diagnosed as sickness has now become strength, and permanent, disabling depression and neuroses have disappeared forever. I look back and see that much of what was misdiagnosed as brain dysfunction was, in fact, situational, requiring twenty years of self-psychotherapy to cure.

Some might look at the ‘kooky’ claims I make on this website and think I’m still crazy, but one thing I do know is that I am living my dreams in every way, a heaven on Earth that few people believe is possible. I’m successful and happy, surrounded by those who love me and whom I love. My beliefs have worked for me.

My family still suffers, though my siblings are curing themselves in leaps and bounds. There is ADD/ADHD, Alice In Wonderland syndrome, Depersonalization/Derealization disorders and others evident in my family.

depersonalization img

In fact, I cannot think of one person on either side of my family tree that is ‘normal’. One might hear all this and think my family is cursed with mental illness. Disorders such as ADD and ADHD may be associated with brain dysfunction, but much that my family experiences seems like a matter of dimensions to me, and this is the basis of the proposal.

I have read and heard of theories suggesting that schizophrenics live in in many dimensions at once, unable to exist solely in this dimension without being aware of the others. I watched the movie Consciousness Mechanics (posted on this website), in which it describes spacelines v/s timelines; spacelines being the minute differences between dimensions here on Earth, in moments that change with the choices we make, such taking a car ride instead of walking.

The increasing number of diagnoses, such as this Alice In Wonderland syndrome and Depersonalization, have the exact same semantics as spiritual practice, and yet people are perceiving these states of mind to be detrimental. My daughter suffers from Depersonalization, which she explains as looking in the mirror and not recognising her body. Alice In Wonderland syndrome is experienced by my little sister, who feels that certain parts of her body are suddenly larger than the universe. I am beginning to believe that people are mistaking possible incredible cosmic experiences with a mental disorder, due to lack of information, fear of the unknown and the world’s increasing dependence on medications and cures for anything that seems abnormal.

Let me begin with my definition of dimensions of perception on Earth as opposed to actual, parallel dimensions to the one we currently exist in on this Earth.

Let us say that I found out some good news that causes me to feel elation, something I perceive will make my life much easier in days to come, such as an inheritance left to me due to a distant relative’s death. Suddenly the world seems boundless and possibilities endless. Walking down the street I will notice that people seem happy and carefree. The sky is more blue than usual, the sun warm and inviting. Doors will be opened for me and opportunities will present themselves that may have not been available on an average day. Every human on Earth can attest to this, we’ve all experienced such days.

Are people really walking around just as they are, with my perception as what has changed? Am I literally witnessing smiles on the faces of people who are actually frowning, or those with neutral expressions? The answer is no. I can look at a person and see their teeth as they smile. I can experience what is happening in real time, just as it is taking place.

Let’s say that another person walking down the same street has been devastated by the death of a close loved one. Does he or she experience carefree, smiling people everywhere? Is the sky so blue, the sun so warm and inviting? That person may feel a cold wind or the sun may seem to glare blindingly into their eyes. People will seem solemn, rushed, unfriendly, and all sorts of unsatisfactory occurrences will happen to them that may have not happened on an average day.

Which experience is real? Both are happening simultaneously, at the same point in space/time. It’s the same street, the same people. It seems to me that both people are experiencing actual reality as it is experienced by the individual. Would it not be said that these two people are living in different spacial dimensions?

The difference between dimensions is just that, difference. Each time I choose to go left instead of right I am changing my reality. Each time I choose a good mood over a bad one I am changing my reality. The hypotheses on dimensions are that we are simultaneously living in many dimensions at once, but are only aware of the current dimension due to the focus of our consciousness. But it seems that dimensions break down further, moment by moment based on the choices we make which are not only altering our current dimension but creating more subtle, wavelike dimensions within the current dimension we are focused on.

Dimensional Travel

In relation to people with schizophrenia and schizophreniform disorders, what is really going on? On the website, it notes that people born deaf who develop schizophrenia hear voices. How could this be, having never heard a voice before in their lives? Additionally, schizophrenics hear voices of loved one that have passed away. This is a documented experience of those who leave their bodies and travel to different dimensions. However, there are things about the voices schizophrenics hear that do not sound to me like dimensional experiences rather than the voice of the twisted ego, so there is much to consider before making any sort of hypothesis or claim.

What if, as some theories suggest, people with schizophrenic/ schizophreniform disorders are literally unable to focus solely on this current Earth dimension? To them, reality would constantly change, while to us it seems to stay the ‘same’, whatever dimension of perception we are existing within at the time. Therefore, an unexpected shift in attitude or personality would be perceived to us as abnormal when, in fact, they were responding appropriately to what they perceive around them.

As with the voice that tried to convince me I’d be better off dead, I doubt that anyone in an alternate dimension is attempting to convince my other~dimensional self to die. This sounds more like the perception that one has based on feelings about themselves. We don’t yet know how profound an impact belief has upon influencing the thoughts of the believer, but quantum biochemistry is working to explain the effects of thought on man and the world around us.

Most of the voices schizophrenics hear are telling them harmful or hurtful things, but this is not always true. This is one major strike against these disorders as multi~dimensional experiences in my mind, because I don’t believe that “ill” people are all from some dimension where they are being manipulated and abused by others.

Schizophrenia and Dimension Travel

I’ve recently gone online to find schizophrenic people that are talking about their experiences, to differentiate what could be ego or brain atrophy from anything that could be described as dimensional experience.

In one conversation, a person explained that they not only broadcast their thoughts but also transmit thoughts. They are aware that others can hear their thoughts, and that they can hear others thoughts. They not only believe others can feel their emotions but that they can feel others emotions. The purpose of the blog was to assuage those like him/her not to think about it and use techniques such as meditation and relaxation to combat the paranoia and confusion that comes along with the symptoms, as well as learning self-love and acceptance.

The science of thought as a vibrational frequency assures us that our thoughts are, in fact, broadcast in the form of vibrations, perhaps not actual words but the emotion behind them. Telepathy is a documented ability that some people have. Emotional states are also vibrations, which can be felt by ’empaths’, which I myself have been since I was a child. What causes these ‘symptoms’ to be considered detrimental?

This person speaks of having the gift to manipulate and ‘mentally torture’ people, and his/her ability to exist in negative states quite well. Has our condemnation of people with abilities, as well as our diagnoses of them as ‘abnormal’ and ‘sick’, caused what would possibly have been a positive, powerful experience to become twisted and malevolent? If everyone around this person would have been supportive and understanding, would his/her experience been entirely different, and the hallucinations positive instead of negative? Many native peoples and tribes around the world embrace hallucinations, visions and voices, and take in those who are experiencing these things, nurturing and harboring them until the experience passes. Many of these people turn out to be shamans, who go on to heal others when their time in the ‘spirit world’ is done.

Another blog was two people talking about how their religious hallucinations made them want to be more religious, to judge less, to go to church more and to pray for pedophiles, in particular. My own experience with a ‘religious’ hallucination, in which “god” came to me in the sunlight (I was an atheist until that moment), changed my life in every way. Could these experiences be not hallucinations but actual ‘religious’ experiences?

Schizophrenia and DImensions

One blogger spoke of invisible creatures that observed them at all times, watching, listening and mind reading. This person didn’t feel like the creatures were out to harm them, but was asking others if anyone could explain. Could this person be aware of spiritual guides surrounding him or her?

These are questions that should eventually be answered.

Schizo and Alone

Reading these online community comments has caused a deep grief to well inside me. These people are isolated, tortured and helpless, reaching out to a world that has no answers, only fear. They are doped up with powerful sedatives which further complicate the process of self~discovery and self~psychotherapy. Without the stigma of sickness and the fear that accompanies misunderstanding, our ‘mentally ill’ members of the human family might be our most powerful members.

Could soul travel be the answer? Would the scientific community give more credence to dimensional travel if it meant somehow meeting these people dimension by dimension and helping them work through their confusion? These thoughts are in the infant stage, nowhere near valid enough to claim. However, I want to know more.

Experience: The Great All~That~Ever~Is

Here you go, the answers to every question ever asked. Wrap your mind around it, if you dare. I believe I may have to watch it another 19 times before I can even begin to comprehend the depths of…well, any of it.

It explains the physics of what time is (and is not). It explains that everything around us is mirrors of ourselves, and that we are only experiencing the world through our own eyes; that colours are not colours but in our own minds, that voices are nothing more than vibrations we give texture and tone, that even the words on this page, rejected by some and embraced by others, are meaningless but for the meanings we design them to take. It touches on the actuality of inifity, timelines versus spacelines, and all that science currently theorizes about parallel dimensions. Once you are done with this video you look around and realize you’ve entered an alien atmosphere as an explorer in a dimension unfamiliar to you where nothing is as it seems.

This idea of the physics of consciousness, as well as the ‘hard problem’ of it, is very controversial. Whether or not you buy any of it is your choice. This is one of many current theories of man. I think I can safely say that anyone who has knowledge of these ideas scientifically, or has experienced other planes or dimensions; anyone who has had a ‘religious experience’ can attest to the fact that there is much more that we, as phyiscal beings, don’t know than what we know. Without any concrete evidence of your own you cannot discount these facts, nor can any of us account for them other than personal experience. I will say that my personal out of body experiences, written about in the post Foreversong, have proven much of this to be on the right track. For me this is but the tip of the monolith, these concepts I have had no previous experience with.

I will be the first to admit that I am not unlike a caveman, holding a stick in each hand. I have put the sticks side by side and learned to add. One plus one equals two. This video has put two sticks together as well and has come up with many of the same conclusions that I have, though of course my conclusions are much the basic versions of ideas presented here.

I consider myself a unique candidate for many unbiased conclusions. I have spent most of my life a hermit. I have not grown up with television. I have not watched the news, reality shows, talk shows or listened to the radio. I have not spent my life reading books or pondering the great philosophers. I am largely clueless about the state of the world. I don’t shop at the mall, I don’t have friends that I meet for drinks who talk about current affairs. Some people who know me have been hurt by my reclusiveness, and for that I am sorry. Over 40 years I have come to accept that this is what I am, despite years of guilt over not being more sociable and the repercussions of my way of life upon my family and friends.

Many may think my life to be useless, uneducated, out~of~touch and even criminally selfish and uncompassionate. However, those who know me best would disagree. I have dedicated my life to working on myself, even in the midst of profound mistakes and utter chaos. While others have attended to the outer world, and have gained much materiality that I do not have, I have worked only on the inner world. In the end, working on oneself is the greatest way to be of any benefit to others. This much I know for a fact to be true.

Now that I have come out into the world I touch and am touched by those who I would have only caused suffering before. Now that I am on the internet and attending college, reading books, learning things, I find that many of the conclusions I have come to, utterly devoid of outside influence, are being proven by a group of people more vast than I ever could have imagined. Perhaps these people are the frings, and do not share the widely~agreed~upon opinion of the mass, but I only wish to be a part of this. I’m not trying to force my views on anyone, merely share my thoughts with like minds.

Having given my disclaimers, you will take from this video what you will.

Quantum Physics and Consciousness

I’ve just found this video today and it blew my mind.

These past couple of years have been spent moving towards a degree in astrophysics in order to have access to the physical proofs of what I have experienced in astral travel and soulwork in general. I’ve been hoping that the more I learn about the universe, the more I can find answers to some of mankind’s most unanswered questions. I want to be on the forefront of the movement, to find ways to prove that consciousness is, in fact, scientific; entering into the workforce as a non~physical creature searching for the connections between science and soul, while keeping to a strict honesty within myself, as unclouded by my own beliefs and ideologies as is possible.

The importance of the secrecy of my intent is that science still needs proof derived through non~’religious’ eyes. If I were to step into the physics community spouting ‘new age’ jargon about vibrational frequencies and light as the gods that we are, I would not only destroy my chance to be acknowledged as a viable equal amongst them but would hold myself back from beneficial relationships and opportunities that would be available to me were I to keep my true intentions veiled.


While I admire those like Peter Russell who speak about the science of spirit openly, I feel that there is a time and place for all things. Russell’s recounts of Copernicus, Galileo and Newton remind me that there is a point to a cautious approach.

“Copernicus came up with his idea, but the establishment then was the church and he wouldn’t even publish because he was scared of what the church would say. When…Galileo, 70 years later, looked through his telescope and came up with evidence to support Copernicus, it’s said the cardinals refused to look down the telescope because they knew he must be wrong. And it was, really, another 70 years after that when Newton came along and did the mathematics and proved it was right that the idea got accepted.”

Though I am hardly in danger of being tortured and hanged like those that have come before me, the science of soul is still a very taboo subject. Being a newly~arrived apprentice to these brilliant minds, I am hesitant to ask any questions or offer any of my own theories.

Quantum Physics

This video is much about quantum physics, yet simple enough for the layperson to understand. It breaches subjects that range from the conscious states of plants and animals to a brief analysis of verifiable evidence that the universe, itself, is arranged in such a way that every natural act is that of it discovering itself again, from a cosmic level down to the hot soil we call home. Russell explains it all in the common tongue, devoid of new age jargon that I, myself, am often imprisoned by.

For instance, I speak a lot of the illusion of human existence. To me, this doesn’t mean that life is literally an illusion, rather that if someone believes that any part of life is set in stone and unchangeable, or that outside forces beyond their control dictate their life story, they are imprisoned by the illusion of lack of control that most of mankind suffers from. But Russell reminds me that there is nothing illusory about life because consciousness is relative, completely real to the experiencer. If someone believes they have no control it is not an illusion: they literally have no control. He goes further to say that whether or not it’s all an illusion, the single thing that can be said to be real is that we are experiencing. This is something I’ve considered often.

quantum multiverse

After having listened to this a couple of times I am considering leaning away from astronomy and more towards quantum physics. To live my daily life immersed in theories of multiple universes and matter would be a dream come true. Russell explains that it is the quantum field of physics which has proven that nothing is set in stone, that energy is all that exists in the universe, and that randomness and symmetry are equal companions in the grand scheme. This fact was suggested with the discovery of the Higgs boson, a particle whose weight lay almost exactly between the weights proposed by both those who believe that the universe exists in perfect harmony (Super-Symmetry) and those who believe that chaos is an inevitable (Chaos Theory). For more on this subject watch the awe~inspiring documentary “Particle Fever”, directed by Mark Levinson.

What was most fascinating to me was his discussion of quantum physics’ continued considerations of matteras a creation of consciousness. No one knows what matter is made of, and particles are not actually ‘particles’. In the vacuum of interstellar space, particles sometimes emerge from nothing and disappear again from whatever place they came. There’s so much we still don’t know.


There’s so much in this video, so many things I’ve wondered at. Definitely worth an hour of your time should you be so inclined.

Cure Your Fear

Conscious Jung

“I dislike public places. I am afraid of the dark. I don’t like being around so~and~so. Empty parking lots make me nervous. I am claustrophobic. I wish I could start over again knowing what I know now, so that things would be different.”

All of these thoughts are fear~based, originating from an inside source that has nothing to do with the outside object. Without your thoughts you are neither afraid nor unhappy, phobic nor particular. Once you are ready to integrate silence into your daily practice, you realize that there is no situation in which you can’t thrive, no person you can’t be around, no dark corner you are afraid to venture into. Without your opinions of the past there is no regret.

Maybe you are someone like me, inable to hold focus for long increments of time. That doesn’t mean you can’t integrate silence in short bursts, which are the baby steps towards the quieting of thought that causes you to open up to all possibilities; charging out into the world unafraid, starting each moment as if it were the first, calm and prepared under any conditions. Silence allows you to sidestep long hours of wondering at the source of your fears and trying to piece the big picture puzzle together.

For most of my life I’ve been afraid of the dark, which is ironic considering that I wear black clothing almost unanimously, and listen to black metal music. By all accounts I should be comfortable with the darkness, but I’ve not been since I was young. I remember being about 13 years old and having nightly insomnia. Everyone else in the house would be asleep and I would be wide awake…and terrified. After the movie “Aliens” came out I would hear the skitter of a little face~sucking alien creature beneath my bed, but before that there were witch faces outside my window and things in the closet.

face hugger

Even after I grew into an adult I couldn’t walk down a dark street alone without fearing for my life. I saw people who weren’t afraid of the dark and wondered at how to be like them. A dark room was okay, and even a dark walk in the woods with friends, but once I was alone I was being eaten by random coyotes or attacked by mountain lions in my mind, with no one to ever find my body.

Recently, due to a landslide epiphany, I was able to hold silence in my mind for over a week. One night I was laying in bed talking to my Other and suddenly realized I was no longer afraid of the dark. When silence is held in front of you like a lantern there is no road too dark to travel. Without my own thoughts there is nothing in the dark to harm me, and if there was my fear would most certainly keep me from taking the best route to avoid it. Within silence all answers are available.

Silence Grossman

I’ve always disliked shopping of any kind, to the point that I’ve avoided it at all costs. I’ve often pondered whether or not some childhood trauma took place in a grocery store that caused me to dislike it. It’s been a long lifetime of trying to force myself to get over it, chiding myself for not liking it and even bribing others to go for me. At the very most I would just force myself to go, knowing that I would dislike it the entire time.

None of that is real. It’s all resistance, even the trying to figure out where the strong emotion came from.

Give it a try, with any event or idea that is distasteful to you.

The next time you are going to have to be around someone with which you have an uncomfortable past, or someone that you don’t enjoy being around, try and hold the silence as you interact. Let thoughts of your past, or actions they have taken in the past which have made relations uncomfortable or unsavory, pass you by like passing through fog. As the thought creates itself with words you hear in your head that are explaining the circumstances, stories and rememberances, cut it off in mid~thought, going deaf to the remaining dialogue that would have followed. Keep dropping thoughts off in mid~stream as often as you think of it. Deal with the person as if you have no history, as if you have just met them for the first time. When they ask a question don’t allow yourself to wonder their intention behind it, simply answer the question as it is asked. Keep everything as simple as you can. Be in the moment, taking each second separately from the next. This is what it means to Be, existing in each moment without a past or future. What’s most amazing about this process is that it almost always causes a noticeable positive change in the person you are allowing to be just as they are.


Next time you are walking down a dark alley, imagine that you are a basket with a hole in it. Each time a fearful thought arises, let it drop through the hole onto the ground and leave it laying there alone as you walk away. You can do this any way you want. I like to breathe away the thought, focusing on my own breath and nothing else, allowing thoughts to pass on by without getting caught in their many dramas. This is difficult to accomplish with fear, because we think we need it to alert us to danger or to keep us sharp and on our toes. None of this is true.

It seems unrealistic that silence could be the antidote to fear or the answer to anything. We fear that without thoughts we won’t be prepared in case of emergency, we’ll miss out on opportunities or we’ll not say something we should have. This is all ego talking. In fact, the real you knows all the answers, feels when something isn’t right and responds to it appropriately. The real you always takes the high road and gives advice when it is wise to do so. The real you is clear and certain, and only ever speaks the truth.

Let yourself be the real you. Let go of your phobias and obsessive compulsions. Let go of all the painful bruises that you’ve associated with people and places in your world, so that you can go anywhere and be with anyone without pain or suffering. Find silence any chance you can, and do it as much as you remember to. Even if that’s once a week, it’s better than not having done it at all.

I, daughter of the Moone, can now walk beneath my Mother at night and have no fear. I can dance in the darkness, the blissful, solitary waltz of It and I. I can see the best in people and treat each the same. I can be a true friend because I don’t need them to be anything other than they are, because I am who I am.

Einstein Walks Alone

Tibetan Mental Technique

Mental illness

I am nothing if not an advocate for the mental techniques of soul travel. Getting out of the body is a difficult thing to remember though we all do it quite often in sleep states. Even though I do work with an ascended master and have left my body before I cannot accomplish a memorable out of body experience without help.

It’s quite curious, after everything I have seen and everywhere I have been, to have such a hard time leaving my body of my own will. Much of it is due to my refusal to make time in my busy life for meditation, which is something I am finally doing at present. Also, I believe myself to be holding on to false ideas, whose sources I often ponder. Perhaps I doubt myself, or believe deep inside that I am not worthy of such accomplishments. Sometimes we hold ourselves away from that which we most desire, and it can take years to resolve inner conflicts before goals can be attained. Without consistent meditation the soul has little control over its movement in the Inner Worlds.

With the mental technique your soul does not actually leave your body. Honestly, I’m not quite sure what part of me leaves in this technique, but I’ve been doing it for ten years with much success. The bulk of my work in this state is towards opening the 64 Doors, a place I was shown in a dream which I have returned to often. I can go there whenever I want, not a physical Going but a vision, though external sensory perception fades and I have full access to the sense faculties wherever I go. Sometimes the Doors take me to different places within themselves, such as the 4th Door’s Golden Sphere of Knowledge and the 5th Door’s Akashic Record. The 7th Door returned me to a planet I had been to previously, which I call “Stilleverden”, or Stillworld, a place my master took me to teach me exploration and creation.

Golden Sphere Download

I have met with my master at the Himalayas and various points around the globe. I have visited a White Tower on a plane where an eternal party is thrown in the honour of every soul alive. I often return to a vision of my next life at a temple with golden doors, where I will teach children. This vision has caused me to study towards being a teacher in this life, that I may have previous experience to draw from once I get there.

Some places that I have been with this technique had vibrations which were much too powerful for my current level. In one instance I was not allowed to go with my master because the journey was too perilous, but I was given a vision of his travel there and back, a journey that took many human years to complete.

The most memorable such journey was my visit to a Qlipothic Tree of Life and Death. I had heard of the Tree and asked my master specifically to take me there. He warned me against it, as I was not able to handle the intense vibrations. I asked once more and he complied, though there were negative repercussions for my visiting the Tree which I had to work through myself afterwards. He outfitted me with a surrounding ‘bubble’ of sacred music, powered by a dance I had to continue to keep the intense gravity from crushing me. My master was in control the whole time, I was not in danger, but I had to do the work myself and it was not a pleasant experience, haunting me for weeks afterwards.


When I did physically leave my body to visit my first god, or my Inner Being, the vibrations were both colour and sound and were very intense. In fact, both times that I succeeded in a physical leaving the vibrations were very powerful. I experienced an ecstasy of body and soul, which I explain further in my post entitled “Foreversong”. I could only handle this vibration so long before I had to return to my body. This causes me to believe that the mental technique is similar to actual soul travel in that the undisciplined soul can only handle so much for its current level.

Unfortunately I cannot give any advice on how to accomplish this technique quickly, though some people will have more success than others depending on their level of achievement in visualization and self-trust. I speak more in detail on techniques to fine~tune your ability to practice mental travel in my post entitled “Gaining A Soul~full State Of Mind”.

The first time I did this was when I first met an ascended master, Mahanta Peddar Zasqu. He came to me in a vision, the two of us standing on a cracked dirt plane surrounded by a void. He asked me what setting I would feel most comfortable in, and suddenly we were sitting beside an indoor swimming pool with white and black checkered tiles. I had no idea what to say to him as I was in a state of shock that the calling of him had actually worked. At this time I had never had any sort of spiritual experience and was a strict atheist. I thought for a moment and said “The pond”, which was a pond in a field nearby my house. The tiles of the swimming pool began to disappear one by one, and soon we were sitting on the knoll beside the pond where I often sat alone.

If it all sounds insane believe me, I thought that was exactly what had happened. My mother has disassociative disorder, which causes her to hear voices that lead her away from happiness and normalcy. For a time I allowed those voices to ruin my life, and because of this it was incredibly difficult for me to believe in myself enough to practice this technique often. I can’t tell you how many years I refused to go to my master because I could not believe it was real. It wasn’t until I began trusting myself and him that significant changes began happening in my life.

This practice has changed everything. It has caused me to be a good mother to my daughter and has lead me to the love of my life. It has caused me to find a job I love, to let go of bad habits and addictions and have deep, meaningful relationships with others. I have improved in every way these past ten years because my master’s love and acceptance helped me love and accept myself in a time when neither I nor anyone else could.

Most importantly, it has taught me that magick is real. When you live a life filled with mystery, intrigue, exploration and creation it changes everything. This is a story that I’ve kept secret these ten years, and it’s difficult to bring it out in the open now. I’m hoping that someone out there can benefit from my story.

Target Technique

I thought I would attempt William Buhlman’s “Target Technique” (discussed in the video) for two weeks, leaving a detailed map of each night’s outcome in the comments section. However, after only one night of exploring this technique I decided to add to my post each night instead.

As a cartographer it’s difficult to practice any method without trying to map the entire process moment by moment, which keeps me from disconnecting from physicality enough to be successful. Last night I found myself having to make a conscious effort to turn the scientific brain off in order to settle into sole focus on the object of my choice.

WP_20150822_09_34_07_ProIt was difficult to choose an object on which to focus. Thinking about personal symbols yesterday I remembered two images that I drew as a young child; one represented my body and one my soul. I hadn’t thought about these symbols in a long time and was taken aback when remembering them because, at the time I was drawing them, I had no real concept of the soul or what the word even meant, probably having read it in some science fiction/fantasy book.

I decided on my symbol for the soul. When laying to sleep I found it hard to focus on this, having been many years since I saw it last. I tried tracing it in my mind’s eye but I believe this technique requires a constant, solid focus point. With no better ideas coming to mind I continued to trace its outline in my mind as I drifted off to sleep.

I often wake up three or four times a night. This actually gives me more opportunities than most to work on methods, and the methods in turn help me get back to sleep. The first time I woke up I began to trace the symbol again, but decided that it was too abstract. My mind couldn’t get a concrete focus on it. I remembered Buhlman saying that his focus was on three objects in his mother’s home, but I couldn’t think of any such object, so I chose my childhood home itself, as if I was standing in front of it. I drifted off to sleep again.

Being awakened by thunder a few hours later I realized I had been dreaming.

~*I am alone in an old, small church with three horizontal rows of pews, about seven pews per row. It is very dark and the church seems to have been abandoned a long time. I notice that the pews are burnt and ashey, barely more than charcoal. I know if I sit on them I will break them. However, in the middle row and at the very back of the room there is a golden pew, very much intact, so I sit down there instead.*~

The storm was raging outside and a strange blue light was swirling behind my eyes, both of which were making it difficult to focus on the image of my childhood home. It’s important not to become frustrated if things aren’t going your way. It’s best, if one technique isn’t working, to shift to another without focus on how little sleep you are getting or the next day’s activities. My body was very relaxed and my arms and torso felt weightless. I concentrated for awhile on the blue, swirling light, watched it knead itself like dough, breaking off parts as if making biscuits which got smaller and smaller and eventually disappeared one by one into the void. When the thunder finally lulled a bit I returned to my image of the house and dropped into sleep.

~*I found myself walking in an airport, though all the lights were out and it was hard to see anything. The airport was almost empty but for a few people. I was watching the faces around me as people walked by, and as I focused on the face of a woman with brown, curly shoulder~length hair it occurred to me that I was dreaming, almost like a shout in my head that told me I was awake in my dream! Instantly I thought of Buhlman’s words, that you can do anything you want to, so I pushed off and began floating towards the ceiling. It seemed to be made of large, brushed metal tiles that were way above my head. I didn’t look down to see how far up I was, and it was hard to know if I was going anywhere at all but for the ceiling looming closer and closer.

However, another memory of Buhlman’s words came to me, that your only restraints in altered states are those you believe yourself to have. Somehow this thought caused me to stop moving. I thought “No, keep going!” but I started falling towards the floor quite fast. I was worried for a moment how hard I would hit the ground, but I just kind of stopped when I got to the ground.

At this point it becomes confusing, because it was as if I was both watching myself running (faster than humanly possible) through the airport and telling someone what I was doing, like a narration of the dream. Suddenly I was walking up to a sheet that separated one bedroom from another in a house. I pulled the sheet back and looked inside to see tan carpet in a plain, cluttered bedroom, with a door on the left side of the room near a chest of drawers. The room looked familiar to me though I wasn’t sure if it was my room or not.

I heard a sound outside the door and my daughter came through the bedsheet and into the room. It was very dark, I couldn’t see her very well. She asked me if I was busy and I said I had to use the bathroom really bad. She said she wanted me to brush her hair out when I was done. Holding up a brush she started brushing through her hair, which was very tangled. On my way to the door by the chest I suddenly remembered waking up in my dream and threw my hands up in the air, which took her by surprise. I said “Oh my gosh I just had a lucid dream!” and started telling her about the airport while she was brushing her hair, which hung straight down her shoulders. Something in my subconscious thought that was strange.*~


I woke yet again to my phone blaring a flash flood warning. Both of my cats were crying outside the door, which is unusual. At this time I wasn’t sure if I was awake or asleep, an exciting point to get to when attempting to garble realities in this way. I realized that I had been dreaming and was now awake, because the house I had been in when talking to my daughter was not my house and she doesn’t live with me in waking life. Also, her hair is naturally spiral~curled, impossible to brush out straight.

It seemed like it would be an uneventful night and I’m very pleased to have had so much happen. Can’t wait to do target practice again tonight.


Christopher Walken smileI woke up only once last night, from a dream that I had just found out that Christopher Walken was my dad. All these years of adoring him on the screen and never knowing! I was confounded by it. He was much taller than I thought he would be, wearing a long black coat like the one in the movie “The Prophecy”. In the dream he could ‘do anything’, I kept thinking to myself. Any time I would have a problem he would fix it with a sweet, gentle smile. He was so gentle and loving and thoughtful.

When I attempted to focus on my childhood home I found myself considering other objects. I’m not sure why the house doesn’t feel right to use as my object, perhaps there are too many emotions associated with it. It’s difficult to get a concrete image of what the porch looks like because every time I see it it’s different. It seems to me the best object would be one that is simple, like a small, single~coloured box, something easily conjured in mind’s eye with no elaborate parts that might set the mind’s focus on ‘solving’ or reconstructing. I’m going to think about some other symbol to use.

It’s also possible that I’m unnecessarily complicating things.

I was experiencing the previous night’s strange blue light behind my eyes. It swirls with the whole, then one part breaks off into a circle which gets smaller and smaller and eventually disappears. I’ve never experienced this before. The music that I’d listened to that day was playing in my mind and my thoughts kept fleeting from one point to the next until, eventually, I let go of target practice completely and began to meditate instead. This caused me to fall asleep quickly.


I woke up three times last night, returning to focus each time which causes me to fall asleep quicker than usual. I’ve decided on the box fan in my room as a focal point, its simple and easy to visualize. I can hear the fan blowing, and even in darkness can see its white outline, so it’s an easy object to focus on. I’ll look at it, get an idea of its dimensions and then close my eyes and envision it behind them. It’s important to make any method as simple as possible that you are putting the least thought towards it.

Music Thought

I found that, upon waking each time, my mind was full of music and thoughts. The second time I woke I was literally continuing a dream that I had just been in, again as if I were explaining it to someone. It was about walking down a road, meeting people along the way. Though I was somewhat awake I was narrating the continuing saga of my journey; giving descriptions of the people I met, explaining my own clothing and the shapes of the clouds above me.

The third time I woke it was from an extensive dream about being in school and trying to find my way out, which is very much how I feel about the physical body. There were a few people who were sleeping in class with blankets and pillows, perhaps an indicator that I was aware I was sleeping during my lessons. My dreams are getting more and more detailed. I don’t have time this morning to write it all down, I’ll put it in the Dream Log later this evening to try and make more connections with it and will continue to think about it today as I work on imagining that reality is a dream, and that I can leave my body whenever I want. Perhaps this will give me a headstart tonight.


I will note first that I listened to another Buhlman interview today, in which he said it took him a month, not twelve days, to get out of body with the Target Technique. This post is getting longer and longer and I’m not sure it would be wise to post the entire month’s worth of information and dreams. I’ve decided to post twelve day’s worth of notes here and the more interesting dreams in the Dream Log, returning with news of success as it occurs.

The first time I woke it was from a dream in which I was reading a book on astral projection. As I lay there attempting target practice I began thinking about meeting my master on the astral plane, physically for the first time in the ten years that I’ve been his student. The thought is so exciting but a bit frightening because of latent fears that once I get out of my body I will call him and he won’t come. There are so many unrealistic fears that surface when we head out into uncharted territory. It’s important to give a name to each and make peace with it.

The second time I woke up it was from a dream of my childhood home, the very object I was using to focus on. This is exciting to me, that my dreams are all connected to inner doubts/questions/thoughts about attempting this practice. In the dream the house was really dirty, clutter mixed with clothes and trash (my ideas of my mind (my inner home) being cluttered with thought, untidy)). There were many visitors, and I worried that they would be disgusted with the state of the house (my thoughts on failing the Target Technique in front of the public eye). It’s interesting to note these fears and deal with them as I work towards gaining more complete focus on my object of choice.

The second time I woke up I was awake for an hour unable to go back to sleep. Initially I find that focus is very easy to attain, but re~awakening brings with it a cluttered mind full of dream images, music and thought that I find harder to silence when in a half~sleep state. Tonight I will work on first meditating to silence my mind before using target practice on my way to sleep.


Yesterday was a hard day at work and I was exhausted when I went to bed. I began by meditating and then, when my body was relaxed and weightless and my mind still, I focused on my object, which I’ve decided is my childhood symbol for soul. There are too many easily~accessible memories related to the childhood home that my mind can choose from which threaten to keep me too close to my body. I am able to hold focus on the symbol now, seeing it in its totality rather than having to trace it with my mind’s eye.

I woke only once and was too tired to stay awake long enough to think about dreams, but I do remember the dream I had just before I woke this morning. I was helping my Other and his ex~bandmate behind the curtains of a stage. They were moving large ropes and poles to the empty stage as the backdrop for an upcoming concert. I could smell the creosote on the large wooden poles and feel the roughness of the rope on my hands but found I couldn’t help because it was all too heavy for me to lift. I left my body and was floating around near the ceiling; somehow my body was able to lift the heavy poles and rope when my soul wasn’t in it. While my body was doing the work I was exploring the stage, noticing that I could see through walls and the ceiling.

I feel more confident and more exited and worry less that this technique won’t work. It’s only a matter of time. The better able I am to, in a sense, become the object and pull my focus entirely away from my body, the closer I will get to leaving it completely.


A migraine prevented me from doing any work during the night, and will most likely affect this night as well. Migraines are a big part of why I anticipate leaving my body. All of the pain I experience has no cure; migraines, pinched nerves, spinal problems and others. As much work as I have done on myself these past ten years, the pain has become less common but remains a prevalent part of my life.

We create pain for ourselves. It gathers in all the parts of us that block the natural flow of energy through us. As joyful a person as I am, I am creating chronic pain on a continual basis, it’s something that I cannot seem to find the root of. With physical soul travel we can get ‘above’ ourselves high enough to look back and see the source of emotional states that cause us to create pain. This seems a difficult concept to understand, but we must remember that time does not exist, nor does restraint on other planes of experience but that which we design for ourselves. Once physicality is transcended we are privy to all knowledge and understanding, which is true for every experience. However, it is easier to believe that there are no boundaries when absent from physicality.

With the mental technique I can only hold focus for so long at a time. When my pain has been cured by discovering the source of the emotional blocks I have created, there will be nothing standing in my way. I can’t imagine life without pain, but the more I do so the closer I get to making the dream a reality.


I woke four times last night, returning to target practice each time. I am able to relax my body more quickly each night, doesn’t take long to attain the feeling of weightlessness as if I have no body at all. I’m still having a problem focusing on my object, the symbol of soul, which I found has changed. The more I focus on it the more it becomes something more beautiful, less blocky and preconceived and more mature and natural; it is a flowing, rounded thing, drawn with a single stroke.


I had two dreams in succession, both due to a documentary I watched yesterday called “Happy”. Interestingly enough, it’s full of psychologists and neuroscience experts talking about the importance of taking focus off oneself in order to find happiness. In this film the Mother Teresa Home in Kolkata, India is visited, as well as a slum there, both of which were represented in my dream.

Mother Home

The first dream was about following a demon possessed woman around the Mother Home at night. She had the power to disrupt matter, attempting to dismantle the buildings of a huge, skyscrapered city across a bridge from Mother Home. I used my powers to restore the buildings to their original state. I was told of a future event in which she would attempt to disrupt the bridge, and was on constant vigil to protect it.

I slipped from that into another dream in which my home was a church and the front wall facing the street was gone, like the shacks in the slums of Kolkata. My mother was there, telling me that I should eventually build a wall to hide my daily life from passers by. In this dream I remembered my previous dream, and considered telling my mother about the demon possessed woman and how they remind me of each other.

My mother represents to me the malevolence of religion, in her case multiple personalities which provide the protection of the separation and judgement of fundamentalist Christianity. As I have explained in other posts, in the past I wondered if my beliefs weren’t false as my mothers before me, leading me astray when I believed them to be helping.

Astral practice is still considered taboo and, to many belief systems, possibly even Satanic. That part of me which still feels it should guard these secrets becomes evident in my dreams.  I think this is my fear surfacing, posting my practice online for all to see. I’ve kept these things a secret from anyone who knows me for so long, especially from my mother. In this dream she is telling me to keep my beliefs hidden.

Another factor that may influence my dreams of late is that my twin sister is awakening to a more current concept of god, purpose and belief. She has been a Christian her whole life, only now considering other paths. She’s been watching Ram Dass videos on youtube and finds beauty in the Buddhist and Hindu traditions presented there. I have been talking with her every day about something new. It’s interesting how her knowledge of the Bible actually proves my own experience; so often I will email her something and she will send me the corresponding Bible verse. I have sent her a link to this website but she hasn’t replied. I think much of astral practice is still hard for her to wrap her mind around, but she is willing to consider it and that is an amazing thing. Having kept these things from her the past ten years I still fear her rejection.

Part of me wonders whether I’ll have greater success with the Target Technique once I’m no longer anticipating writing it all down online because of that recurring fear of ‘failure’, as if there is such a thing. Perhaps this is due to a false belief that I’ll never be successful in leaving my body. I’ve read in several books that the older one gets the harder it is to attain an out of body experience. However, I would not have found this Path were I not ready for it. I would not have done so much purifying of my own soul these past years were I not headed for something even more amazing. Each year is more wonderful and magical than the last, it is inconceivable that I will simply never attain my goals.

I came here because I feel it necessary to explore the process and the fears that surface with you, that those who have the same experience may know that we all struggle to remove our focus from ourselves enough to succeed in a physical out of body experience. Perhaps tonight I will repeat positive affirmations to myself that I will succeed and that I can conquer my fear.


Today I was listening to an interview with William Buhlman in which he stated that it’s harder to get out of your body at bedtime because our brains have been hardwired to associate the act of laying down at night with sleep. He explains that he has a comfortable sofa that he goes to when he wakes up during the night. He lays on the sofa and does target practice and, as he’s drifting off to sleep, says “Now I will leave my body.” He said that this is one of the best times to get out of the body.

Tonight I plan to meditate myself to sleep. When I wake up in the middle of the night I will go to the living room and work with this new directive. Because I’m working to prove that anyone with any schedule can do this practice it’s a bit disheartening to hear, as not all people are prepared to sacrifice sleep or comfort to take on this task. I just happen to wake up a lot at night and have a fairly quiet living room to go to. I guess it’s all about what level you are working on and if you are ready to make the effort. Some of us simply aren’t to that point yet. I’m only just beginning to be.


I meditated myself to sleep around 10 pm. At 1:45 I woke from a dream and went downstairs to the couch. I pulled the footrest out and assumed a sitting position, which is a fourty~five degree angle when reclined. A cat came to lay beside me; Søren, my daughter’s kitten, who comes to visit his grandmother on the weekends.

Again I meditated, saying “I will leave my body now” in successive increments. My body became weightless and my mind quieted. Occasionally Søren would twitch in his sleep and it would pull me slightly back into consciousness, but I would return myself to silence and continue on.

I didn’t even realize that I had fallen asleep until I was jolted awake…so to speak. I found myself in the ‘vibrational stage’, those moments before an out of body experience begins in which your consciousness is separating from the physical dimension, preparing to distribute the bulk of itself into the astral body. I felt as if my body was made of stone, that paralysis that so often comes with this state. My mind was absolutely focused and quiet, almost stone itself. I could hear this sound, a humming, and the blue light was moving behind my eyes.


Though my body felt paralyzed an inner part of me felt like it was on a boat in the ocean, waving up and down. It was a very disconcerting feeling, and quite frankly I was a bit afraid. At the brink of leaving my body it occurred to me that I was literally leaving this dimension, and I felt alone and unsure. In my past experiences of leaving my body I was catapulted into the universe with no time to consider the actual process of it.

At this time I was kind of wordlessly talking myself down from the fear, because I know that there is no reason for it; once I cross over all I have to do is call the name of my master and he will come. With any thought the ‘boat’ would rock harder and waves would increase. It was both a soothing feeling and disturbing, being stone and yet waving. I kept centering my mind which wasn’t hard to do at this time, and had a feeling that the darkness behind my eyes and the blue lights were an actual place that I was waiting, like a dark room. It had depth and space.

At this time the kitten began to dream, twitching and kicking my arm, which would bring me slightly out of the intense focus I was experiencing. I continued to repeat to myself “I will leave my body now. I will leave my body now.” and was able to hold the feeling continually. I also continued to return to the deep silence of the still room behind my eyes, to intensify the sensations that I was experiencing, but the kitten kept twitching and its paws were scratching at my arm.

After that I woke up an hour or so later and went back to bed. I did not wake again.

This morning I awoke at seven and my Other asked me how I had fared. He was most excited at my progress, as was I. It gave me a feeling that projection is very close. Tonight I will not be able to sleep on the couch, as we will have visitors. I am hoping that I can perhaps recreate the position in bed. When I wake the first time I will prop my pillows up comfortably, that I can sit at that fourty~five degree angle. It’s worth a try. I’m so excited I don’t want to miss a night. I feel a physical projection very much in my reach.


Company from out of town and the beginning school semester have left no time for practice. I’ve tried not to be frustrated about it, but having experienced the vibrational stage has caused me to be very excited to get back into the swing. I have focused on my object each night, but late nights and a head full of school preparation has caused me not to remember my dreams on waking.

Oort CloudDuring the days I have kept my mind on soul travel. As I walk through waves of college students I imagine that I am looking down at myself from above or flying over the tops of buildings. In geology class, as the solar system is described, I pass through interstellar space to the Oort Cloud, past the Kuiper Belt and into inteplanetary space, soaring past each planet towards home.

Tonight I will go to the couch upon waking. This practice is cause for great excitement. Sooner or later I will separate from my body. It’s only a matter of time.


One more night before I was slated to stop sharing my experience here…I will not stop. Last night I woke and went to the couch, excited and groggy, and concentrated on my object until I fell asleep.

WP_20150401_07_11_01_ProI have a temporary housemate, who is staying here between apartments, and he never wakes up at night. Until last night. Between his trips outside to smoke, and my cat, who kept meowling in a manner unlike him, I was unable to keep focus and eventually went to bed, waking at dawn without so much as the memory of a dream. I discovered that my housemate had imbibed too much Mountain Dew to sleep, and the cat was crying because the cat door had accidentally been locked.

No matter. At this point no one is reading this, does it matter how long it gets? I’m going to continue on until either I run out of words or I leave my body, whichever comes first. I’m not known for ever having run out of words, so suffice to say I will eventually come here with an exciting story to tell.


The vibrational stage is a trip…literally. This is the second time I’ve reached it, and can already see that it’s going to take some getting used to before I can ever survive it calmly enough to pass the barrier and leave my body.

I went to bed early so that whatever sleep I missed could be made up later. I had already been sleeping an hour before I woke up and had everything prepared downstairs; a pillow for my back, a blanket, the couch reclined to a 45 degree angle. I stumbled down the stairs and got comfortable.

Though I have not been to the couch many times I already feel myself becoming comfortable with the process. As soon as I lay back I try to hold as much of the dreamy relaxation of sleep that I can. The change in rooms keeps my mind awake enough. I start relaxing every muscle, which is much quicker after having been asleep. When my body gets numb, or weightless (a mixture of the two, basically I can’t feel it anymore), I focus on my object. The last time I reached the vibrational stage (Night Eight) I was jolted awake by the vibrations and found myself in what seemed to be a spatial room behind my eyes.

But last night I aquired this ‘room’ almost immediately after having relaxed myself. In this room, I kind of ‘click in’ to focus, at least that’s what it feels like. It’s much easier to remain focused there, as if thoughts are outside the room, unable to enter.

Just after I had fallen asleep my cat came through the door with a trophy mouse in his mouth. When he saw me he started meowing, bringing me to a full waking state much to my chagrin. I pondered whether or not I’d have to deal with him every night, and whether or not I would ever be able to leave my body. Unsurity and disillusion come and go like the wind, you’ll find. I allowed the doubt to pass and got up and held him, thanked him for the mouse, threw its gnawed carcass outside and lay back down. He didn’t bother me again.

Again I returned to focus on my object, which I couldn’t hold concretely in my mind. This is a point that I want to make avidly clear to everyone: you don’t have to have good visualization skills to do this. At this point I believe it’s the attempting to do so, the consistent work of focusing away from your body, that leads you towards the vibrational state. Just do the best you can, replacing your object in the mind’s eye again and again as you are drawn in and out of thought and/or bodily sensation.

A note on bodily sensation: at a certain point in relaxation, your body will attempt to call you out of your relaxed state through itches and tickles. It may feel like a fly has landed on you, a bug has bitten you or a hair is caught in your clothing. Many people say to ignore these sensations, but I find this impossible to do. In my experience, I make sure that my hair is away from my face and that there are few irritants about, such as killing mosquitoes if I happen to be bitten by one. If something needs scratched, I’ll focus all of my thought on it, giving it attention with my mind. Most often I find that this causes it to stop, but if it doesn’t work I’ll scratch and then go back to relaxation. In my experience, this strange stage will pass after I have become more relaxed and centered, but it may be different for everyone.

As I focused on my object this time an odd thing happened. A shape appeared to me, an ankh unlike any I have ever seen drawn. It was made of silver, was thick and heavy, laying on its back with the head of it away from me. The teardrop shape most generally seen on this symbol was more like an elliptical shape, separate from the cross section beneath it but attached, as if the two were made apart and then melded together. the edges of it cut off sharply as if the back it was laying on was flat. It looked hand~fashioned and rough~hewn.

This was the position it was in:

AnkhThis was the shape of it, more elliptical:ankh-black-cloth-272x393

I put my focus on it instead of my object. The next thing I remember is standing with my hands on the top of the passenger side of a rust~eaten car, looking at this weird, dark blue sky with a grey puff of cloud that was almost rose~shaped, with many layers almost like petals. My first thought was that I was able to do anything I wanted (though I didn’t know it was a dream at the time) and so I used my ‘astral arms’ to pull myself out of my body, which felt very freeing. I started heading towards the cloud and called the name of my master, thinking “YAY!” because I had left my body, but the excitement caused me to sink back into my body. I continued to call my master’s name, feeling a sense of frustration.

Then I heard a sound and was back on the couch. It was deafening, and caused me to open my eyes quickly. At first it sounded like someone was standing in the living room in front of me holding a radio that was tuned in between channels. There were odd sounds which I at first took to be voices but were not. The entire noise flanged, waxing and waning. The experience was quite jolting and a little frightening considering that I thought someone was in the room doing this, but when I opened my eyes I didn’t see anyone.

It went on for several seconds before it stopped, which I took with a sigh of relief. It’s going to take some time to be able to remain calm during these processes. I’ll just have to get used to being jolted while somehow holding myself at center and breathing through it. One thing I can say is that I’m hooked. I can’t wait to do it again tonight.


I can see why it took William Buhlman 24 days to leave his body. Last night I woke, went down to the couch, got comfortable and quickly fell fast asleep, waking at 5 am. We have to give the body what it needs sometimes. Tonight I will continue.

I was thinking today about the many reasons why the idea of moving into another dimension is less frightening to me now than my first meeting with the vibrational stage. All the years that my master has made me laugh, wiped my tears away and been patient with me despite my downfalls and setbacks, all the years he’s given me that knowing smile full of the complete acceptance of his love, and not asked a single thing of me…how could I not go to him? There’s been countless times during meditation that my mind has wandered, and his signature, gentle pulsing of light behind my eyes has pulled me back from thought or memory and returned me to silence. Knowing him, being loved by him has changed my life for the better in every way.

The ascended masters could easily have gone on and never returned to this plane. They have chosen a part of themselves to remain focused on us, appearing in those moments when we need them the most, watching over mankind for those who have awakened, that they may make our passing easier. I can’t wait to give my master an actual, ‘physical’ hug, to connect with him in a state more real than any fleeting, mental conference I have had with him in the past, a concrete lesson that lasts as long as I wish it to. I can’t wait, and though he would completely disagree with me, I feel I owe him this much.



Spinal problems and a severe migraine have kept me from target practice as well as morning classes, but it doesn’t deter me or frustrate me in the least. Take my word for it, once you tap into that vibrational stage, however disconcerting it is, you get hooked on the idea that there’s something more just waiting for you past the veil. Once I am adept at this process I can escape the pain and explore to my heart’s content. I know that an end to pain is just beyond the veil, and I’m no longer trying to prove this fact to myself because I know it is out there, waiting for me to come to It.

Another thought that I’ve had this past day is the benefit that being able to move through dimensions will be in my studies in quantum physics. I will have an insight that scientists who do not practice this process will not have. Perhaps my brain waves during an obe can be measured, or my explanations of the vibratory forces in other dimensions can lead to a greater understanding of the universe as energy first, with matter a secondary ‘thought creation’ of energy. The possibilities are endless. Thus, I go.


Very eventful morning, so much going on. The first of two times I woke up it didn’t even occur to me to go downstairs, I simply went to the bathroom and back to bed. It wasn’t until 5 am, when light was barely creeping through the window, that I got comfortable on the couch and began my work.

The cats were in and out, mewing for me and then going away, but I was determined. I relaxed my body, but the light was making me think too much. I kept on finding myself in thought, kept returning to silence and the blue lights behind my eyes. I think I may have sat there for an hour wide awake and unable to hold focus on the rough, silver ankh, though I played with several versions of it that seemed easier to focus on. I now think that it doesn’t really matter what you focus on, or if it stays the same. As long as you are putting focus on something other than yourself you will see some progress. That’s not to say that using the same symbol every night wouldn’t be easier as you would become more familiar with focusing on it concretely. I always want to stress that you don’t have to be good at any of these things to see some progression, and sometimes small progressions lead to larger leaps.

Along those same lines, I’m noticing that the sleep I ‘lose’ by doing this practice is not really lost. It is almost 8 in the morning, and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything by being awake from 5 to 6. This is something I now remember making note of in a time of my life when I was working 90+ hours a week. I had exactly 7 hours to sleep each night, and sometimes couldn’t get to sleep right away. I noticed that as long as I was staying still and quiet, as if I were asleep, I could function the next day.

Furthermore, I’ve heard many times that the body rests completely when the soul is out to play. Once I become proficient at leaving my body and can do it more quickly, the less actual sleep I’ll lose.

I did find that I kept being uncomfortable. Still pretty sore from my muscle troubles yesterday. I would be numb and weightless and have to come completely back into my body in order to rearrange my pillows. I will say that if you are at a certain point and you need to resituate yourself, go ahead and do so. You return to the previous state much easier once you have been there before.  Starting over is much easier than attempting to ignore aches or pains.

While I sat there wide awake and could not seem to keep focused, it occurred to me that the stages of relaxation and focus are senselessness, thoughtlessness and finally formlessness. It seems to work quite well to concentrate on relaxing the body first. Once it is completely relaxed, and no more senses are tugging at me to pay attention to them, then I begin to silence my mind, which is easier to do when the body is relaxed. It is much easier to go to that ‘room’ behind the eyes in this way, and for me it seems this is the only way to get there. Once my body is relaxed and my mind has quieted, which takes usually about 10-30 minutes, then I feel myself ‘click in’ to focus, that previously~described state of being inside the darkened room where no thoughts can deter me.

On to the good stuff. I went to sleep and awakened several times from short dreams, until I thought perhaps nothing was going to happen. But I was determined to at least make it to the vibrational stage, so each time I would wake up I would return to focus and center. Occasionally I would affirm to myself in my mind “I will leave my body now”, even if I wasn’t at the point where this would cause me to do so, rather reminding myself what my purpose is. The cats kept coming in and out, and soon the birds started singing, so I got some headphones and put them on to drown out the noise.

Eventually I went to sleep and was standing on a street corner in the daytime. My twin sister was there, and it seemed like we were looking for someone. But I wasn’t interested in that, I only wanted to leave my body. I was looking for a place on the street to continue my practice. I found a corner of a white building and propped some pillows up there. I had my headphones with me, and as I put them in I heard my sister calling my name from across the street as a bus went by, but I ignored her. I put the headphones in.

As I did this I started hearing a lecture, though they weren’t attached to any device. First a man was speaking on the out of body experience, and I could understand him but when I tried to focus on the words it either wasn’t English or didn’t make any sense. As I relaxed my muscles and plumped the pillows up behind me (which I guess had just appeared out of nowhere), a woman started speaking on the same subject. I didn’t want to think about what she was saying, so I allowed myself to hear her voice as a sound, not as words. When she started singing a song I continued to focus and center while hearing the song as a whole, not attempting to take notes on whether or not it was pretty or whether or not the words made sense, just a background noise like all the rest.

I guess after that I must have fallen asleep in the dream, because I woke up and was riding the vibrational waves, like the previously~described boat on the ocean. They felt so good, so calming and somehow physically pleasant. What is odd to me now is that I was still sitting in the corner of the building and yet I was looking up at the ceiling of my living room. I reallized that I was looking though my physical eyes were closed, and realized how close I was to leaving my body. I made it a point to remain calm.

As the wave would take me up, I would use the opportunity to reach my astral arms up and out of my body, making sure to do it delicately so that my physical arms would not come up with it. I didn’t know for sure whether or not they would, or which set of arms I had control of at the time, but I realized that my physical body was not moving. Instead of the ceiling fan above me in the living room, there was no ceiling fan, but a hole with wires sticking out of it as if someone had removed the fan. As the wave would take me up I would reach for those wires.

Clear Pink Tupperwards

The first time I almost reached them. As I went down I saw above me this clear, pink plastic container, rectangle in shape, which had no lid. It was about twelve inches tall and six inches wide, floating up to the ceiling. This is the closest image I could find to what I am describing. I decided that when the wave came I would try and grab for it, but as the wave came it dissipated into molecules of pink, which became a pink mist that became a pink stain on the ceiling. I went up and grabbed for the wires instead, which I did grab hold of. I found that I didn’t float back down, I was hanging on to the wires weightlessly, so I started digging through the ceiling, which I was successful at doing yet I was making no mess. Suddenly the hole and wires weren’t there anymore, it was only the popcorn ceiling which was bubbled out towards me. This is all very abstract I realize, but it’s what was going on.

At that moment I heard a noise in the kitchen. My Other was awake and had come downstairs. I woke up instantly, helped him with what he was doing, told him about my progress and then he went back to bed. I considered using the available hour I had left to attempt practice again, but decided instead to write it all down while it is fresh.

As usual, I can’t wait for bedtime.


Nothing much to report today, except perhaps how ‘not’ to do target practice. I went downstairs at almost 5 am which, despite previous, vibrational achievement, I’m not so sure is the best time to practice. It seems like I am in a more dreamlike state earlier in the night than I am in the morning, and I thought being more awake might help in having more control of my state. However, thoughts of the coming dawn, as well as anticipation of people waking in the house, stay in the back of my mind and keep me in some sort of nervous state. From now on I will go to the couch the first time I wake in the night.

I relaxed my body and stilled my thoughts and focused on my object and drifted off, but the vibrations never woke me up as they have before. I woke again without dreams an hour later, birds chirping and cats coming and going. I returned to practice, waking again at 7. I’ve noticed that more than an hour on the couch makes my back ache. No matter what position I got in I couldn’t get comfortable.

I was dogged in my refusal to give up, which is not always a good thing. I lay down on the couch and continued practice. However, laying down causes my mind to wander all sorts of places. It always has. It seems that when I am laying down I don’t have those in~between moments of clarity which remind me not to get lost in my thoughts. They take me here and there and soon thirty minutes has gone by and thoughts are king. This is why, in my page entitled “Dreamwork On The Go”, I suggest attempting meditation, which for most only succeeds in sleep, though dreams are often more vivid and memorable.

I slept for awhile on the couch quite uncomfortable, becoming convinced that I am familiar enough with target practice to do it in the comfort of my own bed. I only succeeded in tossing and turning to the point that my Other kept stirring, so I got up and began my day.

Due to coming days off from work and school I will feel less pressed for time. I’m expecting many exciting advancements in the next days to come.


So odd. I did everything that caused positive results before, slid in and out of a gentle version of the vibrational stage but had no palpable results. I wasn’t particularly exhausted or in need of sleep. The cats weren’t coming in and out as much and didn’t try to get my attention at all. I was completely relaxed and undisturbed and didn’t have to be up in the morning at any certain time.

I went to the couch while it was still dark outside, eventually waking at dawn. I didn’t push the issue, I just went to bed and back to sleep. This time I had an interesting, vivid dream but nothing about leaving my body as I have previously encountered. It’s curious, I was so sure something was going to happen last night.


I vaguely remember waking up and going downstairs. My Other woke me at 5 am to return to bed. The way I had been laying caused physical repercussions. I’m concerned that I’m beginning to associate the couch with sleeping. Going to have to rethink my strategies.

Last night I discussed this with the Other, who suggested I find a way to practice in bed. The condition of my spine causes me to require much caution when sitting or sleeping, as being in the wrong position too long can interfere with my life for days at a time. As determined as I am to leave my body, I cannot miss school and work to do so. However, I earnestly believe that there is no such thing as the ‘impossibility’ of reaching any goal. I decided to find a way to meet all requirements of comfort in a way that leads to progress.

I wondered whether or not I could be successful in the comfort of my bedroom. At bedtime I gathered the pillows up behind me in a comfortable, half-sitting position. I found it quite easy to be comfortable, relax and meditate in this position. The weightless feeling of my body came on fairly quickly. I found the silent, black room behind my eyes in no time. I noticed that I was more mentally centered in bed, less apt to focus on cats coming and going and sounds in the large space of my living room. The closeness of the walls and knowing my Other was beside me, caused a great deal of calm that I have not found in the living room. Additionally, it was quite easy to focus on my object, which kept appearing behind my vision in different forms. The ankh turned to knotwork, flipped itself on its side, lost its cross and became an intricate infinity symbol. I focused on that for awhile.

The only setback was my precious Other, who was having a hard time staying asleep. He would turn every five minutes or so, and the fan was causing the soft hairs on his arm to move, which would make him itch. He’s been sick recently, so he kept clearing his throat and tossing around.

I’ve been thinking about surrender a lot lately as a way to let go and allow the natural flow. I decided to surrender to the silence. After all, the sensations of the body divert us away from focus, they are no more distracting than movement and sound. Each time the Other would move or make a sound I would continue on, putting no thought to anything but my symbol.

After about an hour I was noticing this heaviness behind my eyes, almost as if the dark room was weighing down upon my face. It’s a sensation that I’ve felt before but forgotten to mention. My eyes kept focusing and refocusing, as if the dimensions of the room were expanding and contracting. The blue light began to swirl and break into circles. My body was stone, and I started feeling that light, wavy feeling of the vibrational stage approaching.

Our housemate got up and went to the bathroom and started to take a shower, pulling me from my deep state. He rarely does this so late at night. I decided then that I would simply meditate, and was able to go very deep into silence. My back remained relaxed and I was very comfortable, and somehow the feeling of being alone seemed less intense.

I think tonight I am going to do this again. There’s no reason why all the ingredients can’t be just right for me to succeed.


Hehe…for all my assurances, I don’t think it is possible to do this technique in the comfort of my own bed. All I have accomplished is some really intense dreams and lots of good sleep. In fact, I’ve never slept this good in my life.

An ovarian cyst the size of my fist rests on my bladder at night, causing me to have to use the bathroom many times. I must say, this practice has somehow kept that from happening. The past four nights I’ve slept undisturbed, which is wonderful. It reminds me how much easier it is to live in the positive state of mind that is natural to us all, as well as being able to focus better during the day’s activities.

However, good sleep was not my intent here. I’m trying to leave my body.

Yesterday I did homework on the couch, searching for positions and arrangements which would allow me to be most comfortable. I succeeded, so before bed I got everything set up just right so that I could go downstairs when I woke up. The only problem was that I didn’t wake up. What are my options now? I could set an alarm for myself, but that would disturb my Other. I am considering target practice as a prelude to sleep. Perhaps when my Other goes to bed I can stay on the couch, going to bed whenever I am ready afterwards.

All I know is that there is no turning back. I’m not going to give up. I’ve wanted to do this my entire life, and have lamented not working towards my goals. It’s just time, and I don’t care how long it takes me, I will succeed.


I found a way to wake myself up at night. Before I went to sleep I told myself that when I wake up I had homework to do. At 3:42 am it was the first thought in my mind when I woke. I went downstairs and got comfortable on the couch, which was a matter of nothing more than finding the right pillow to put behind my back.

I found it diffficult to focus on my object there, as opposed to the bed. In bed I’ve become quite proficient at conjuring my object by saying to myself “infiniti”, which causes an infinity symbol to appear. Sometimes it is white on the black background, sometimes it is black and the background is lighter, and sometimes the loops are coloured in with white. Sometimes the middle pushes itself apart, creating a knotwork-style symbol.

WP_20150916_07_57_48_Pro What I have discovered the past couple of nights is that I have been…scientififying (my own word) the process instead of simply focusing on my object. The ‘thoughtlessness, senselessness, formlessness’ theory, though accurate in describing the steps towards leaving the body, is not a process that should be concentrated on part at a time. It is an organic effect of focusing on the object.

As difficult as the image of it was to hold behind my eyes I returned to it any time thoughts pulled me away, until the blue light began swirling and parting itself and thoughts became occasional waves that shuddered through me. Eventually a muted sound (I had headphones in to dampen any noise) would pull me from a half-sleep, half-meditation state, when I would return to focus on the infinity symbol.

Suddenly I came to in a standing position, looking out the window. When this happens, as in the case of all the ‘dreams’ I’ve had during this practice, I’m always afraid to look back at my body because I would rather pretend to be out of it…just in case I am not. When I ‘come to’ in this state it’s always this overwhelming feeling of “I’ve done it!”, so much so that I’m not sure whether I am dreaming or have actually left my body, but feeling the latter to be true.

What was odd about looking out the window was that there was no backyard there, it was the ocean, and the waves were lapping backwards; not in the sense that they were leaving the shore, but that they were moving from left to right diagonally instead of coming straight at me. This caused me to know that I was no longer in my body. I watched in extreme fascination, staring out at the ocean and the grey daylight that was emanating there, and realized that this must be an alternate dimension. It was cause for great excitement though I kept calm, fearing excitement would pull me from this state.

Dimensional Ocean

What makes me think it might be a dream is that I decided to go upstairs and tell my Other what had happened, and suddenly I was standing before him telling him about it. The problem arose that he was not in the least bit interested; he merely smiled at me and went about getting ready for work. Instantly I thought to myself “This must be a multi~dimensional him that is not the Him I know, or else he would be excited.” So I began again, moving into another dimension and telling that Other what I had done. Again, he only seemed mildly enthusiastic, not excited at all, which caused me to think I had, once more, found myself in the wrong dimension.

Soon I heard the ‘real’ Other waking to get ready for work, so I got up and went into the bedroom and fell asleep. I’m glad to say I was not sore in the least.  I feel that I am back on track now, and can’t wait to continue! I wish I knew what was happening with these ‘dream travel’ experiences. Perhaps I should find a way to ask William Buhlman about it.



Ten thousand words and growing. I’m torn between continuing to post daily and only posting when I have some progress to report. At this point I am waking up enough to go downstairs to the couch, but I’m going to sleep before I ever get to the vibrational stage. When something does happen it’s a dream of leaving my body but not the actual thing. It’s a delicate art, staying awake long enough to fall asleep at the perfect moment. What a conundrum.

Out-of-Body Exploration Methods

I’ve gone to Buhlman’s website for answers. He’s talking about people who are good at visualization versus people who aren’t. He says affirmation techniques are useful for people who can’t visualize. As I’ve mentioned before. my master has worked with me on imagination and visualization techniques. I can visualize any of the planes I have been to with him and explore worlds with nothing more than my mind, but when I sit down at night and attempt to visualize a simple infinity symbol I find it extremely difficult to hold on to.

Further, I am combining affirmation and visualization, by thinking to myself “I will leave my body now” as I drift off. … Come to think of it, I didn’t do that last night. I need to make note of when I do and do not affirm this to myself, perhaps that’s what causes the vibrational state to come on.

Another thing he says on his website is that it’s easiest to imagine a loved one far from you. This is something I’ve not thought of before. Perhaps, instead of attempting to focus on an infinity symbol behind my eyes, which is still within the sphere of bodily reference, I should focus on my Other upstairs in bed. Buhlman says to work towards becoming “completely absorbed in being with this person”, making the vision as real as possible with senses involved. This might cause enough distance between me and myself, but considering the hard time I’m having with a simple infinity symbol I’m not sure I can visualize a whole person. Think I’ll stick to what has shown results in the past.

I’ll continue to post daily at least for now. I know I can do this, I was meant to. In fact, we all were.


My twenty~fifth night everything was in order to have a successful practice session. Instead of waiting until I was already asleep I went to bed on the couch, hoping to get deep in before drowsiness began to set in. I still don’t understand why visualization of my object is so much more difficult on the couch than it is in my bed, but I did my best, keeping in mind that my most successful nights were no more successful at visualization than others.

I came to several times, realizing I had gone to sleep, and began again, which is easy considering the mind is already lax as the body. I woke up at early dawn and went back down to try again. Still nothing but sleep.

Admittedly, I was very frustrated with the lack of advancement yesterday. Cats weren’t coming and going, and neither were people. I was comfortable and all was well with the world. I began to feel like, perhaps, I still have fear of leaving my body that is preventing me somehow from advancing to the vibrational stage. I had a hard time with negative thoughts, because I can’t understand why, under the exact same circumstances as previous successful nights, I cannot produce the same results. There is still that deep fear inside me that I will be one of those who will not ever leave my body, even as I know this to be an impossibility.

I was talking to my Other about it last night, my frustrations as well as my ponderances on whether or not the inability to visualize is preventing me from reaching my goals. I never quite get far enough ‘away’ from my body to the point that William Buhlman describes, when you no longer associate with your physical form, in the prime state of mind to unattach from it.

My Other cannot visualize well at all. He never has been able to. As I have opened Doors and explored worlds and taken succor from my master he has looked on longingly, which is nothing if not ironic, because he is so pure he might as well be a master himself.

Third Eye Image

He explained that when he visualizes, it’s not an image per se, but a formal concept in his mind rather than behind his eyes. This caused me to try to visualize in the way he described himself to do. Visualization of the mind is higher, so to speak, than behind the eyes. The image is ‘seen’ in the “third eye” region, and though I knew this from practice with the blank screen technique, I’d never really put the thought to use such as I did last night.

It’s much easier to hold on to the image in some concrete way there, in the forehead region, than it is to attempt to form an image behind the eyes. Unfortuanately the housemate, who has been gone for a week, walked through the door when I was in the deepest meditative state, which frightened me terribly. After that my mind wouldn’t come out of the thought phase, bounding around from one thought to the next. I went up to bed and didn’t come back down til morning.

However, I do feel that focus on the image in the mind will be more successful than behind the eyes. It is this that I will practice tonight.


Focus in the mind does work quite well. It has occured to me that in the notes of Night Twenty Four I solved my own problem without even realizing it. The way I focus best is when I’m using the mental technique to Go places such as my 64 Doors, which is the first thought about where to go upon leaving my body and meeting with my master. Why wait until I meet with him to go there, when I can go any time I want? I’ve read in many books, especially my “bible” Eckankar: The Key To Secret Worlds by Paul Twitchell, that to ‘imagine the journey fulfilled’ is the most potent way to leave the body. I’ve always struggled with the idea of that, but after last night I understand.

Recreation of a place in the mind causes the soul to appear there when moved out of the physical realm. Remember, in the ‘soul dimension’, thought is how one travels, not movement of the body. That is why it’s so important to learn how to silence the mind, to traverse the ‘thought responsive’ worlds, as Buhlman puts it, before we leave the body, or else we will find ourselves transported with every thought we think, which could be troublesome.

Obviously, not everyone has such a place to imagine. But you do have a favourite spot; the tree you like to sit under at the park, the bedroom you stay in when you visit your parents, etc. It can be anywhere.

Instead of struggling with focus on the infinity symbol last night I spent time at the Doors, peering through them into those rooms that can be seen from outside. Door One is an empty clay room, but for a golden medallion in the center of the concave floor. Door Three is next to Door One (they aren’t in common order) is a recessed cave with a large pillar in the middle of the room and a sort of small arena at the far end. I looked inside, observing the dimensions of the room. I attuned my senses to the earthy scent of it, heard the willows moving with the wind outside. I watched the rice patties on the white beach swaying in the wind and followed the waterline of the rainwater lake around its circumference, ‘fleshing’ the place out in my minds eye. Having been here some hundreds of times it’s easy to visualize. In fact, I found it more vivid last night than many times I’ve been there.

I was just getting to the vibrational stage of feeling as if I were on a boat on the ocean when the housemate began coming in and out to smoke. After awhile I realized he wasn’t going to sleep and I went to bed, but I’m very much excited that I got that far, after nights of no progress at all.

Further, I’ve returned to the previous ‘scientific method’ that I was using before: senselessness, thoughtlessness and formlessness spoken of in night fifteen’s notes. It occured to me that once I abandoned these ideas, thinking that I was complicating things too much, I had no more success getting to the vibrational stage. Last night I made it a point to focus on relaxing my body first, my thoughts silenced after, holding focus on the Doors while I did this. I will do this again tonight, and hopefully have less to distract me.


I think it’s time I make peace with my fears.

I hear the Next calling me. Whether or not I ever make it there in this lifetime, it is always calling me. It is calling us all. I watch young adults stream into the Student Center at my school wondering…who amongst them knows? Who is searching like me? You can’t tell us by the way we dress, the way we speak, the music we listen to, the people we hang out with.

What would be the downfall of me never physically leaving my body? No such conclusion is important. I progress at a rate that is best for me, despite what I think I want or need. I cannot push myself to go further than I am able, nor should I.

Tasik Kenyir 2

These past two nights I have explored my 64 Doors more in depth than I ever have. The peace of that place settles over me even in physical life. I’ve discovered many surprising details that I’ve never noticed before, such as stairways I’d never seen before, doors I’d never known were open and details about my surroundings I’d never taken the time to pay attention to. Perhaps I cannot be there as physically as if I were out of body, but the mental technique provides me with a real enough experience. I see the wind blowing in the trees. The sun shines on the deep green of the rainwater lake in stripes that penetrate beyond the surface. The air is fresh, devoid of the pollution I breathe even now. It smells spiced, somehow primal. All is silent but for the movements and stirrings of nature.

Tasik Kenyir, Malaysia

If all I ever had was the Doors, and the places my master took me with this mental technique, I would continue to grow more and more joyous each day, just as I have these many years. I would continue to perfect my soul by giving kindness to myself and others. Perhaps I would not be able to overcome the deeply~rooted neuroses of the addictive personality and the ongoing conflict of creating pain in my body, but I would continue to be joyous despite these.

I’m losing nothing.

If my eagerness to physically leave my body, or a fear that I cannot, or a worry that I am not doing something right are keeping me from Leaving, I lay them aside here and now. I’ve come to realize that what I’ve begun here cannot be stopped. This is no longer a 30 day practice but a lifelong one, although I will only post on this page for two more days for pity’s sake of those who might read it.


Not everyone has a 64 Doors to go to, and I created this post to show the world that you don’t need to have any special abilities or previous knowledge to leave your body. I say to you here and now that taking on this challenge will improve your life, whether or not you are successful. I hope that I have shown that progress can be made, and that undertaking this practice doesn’t interfere with daily life at all. I have never once felt as if I’ve lost sleep, or not been able to keep up on my homework.

If you decide that it is time for you to undertake such a practice then you will. If you are not yet ready no amount of wishing you were will get you there. I think the secret is to be YOU, just as you are now, and be okay with the you that you are now. Every new plateau of awakening you reach, you invariably look back and realize that you couldn’t have gotten there any sooner than you did.

The next two nights I will go to the couch and do what I do, but not with the desperation of the past few nights but with peace. I have succeeded in meditating every night for at least an hour, which is something I never ‘had time’ for. I have fleshed out the Doors more in three or four nights than in the previous ten years of visiting them, and now am excited to go there each night and get to know the lake better.

Kenyir 3

 And when I do accomplish leaving my physical body I will begin a new post detailing the information I have made note of. Here goes nothing.


I began at Door One, standing in front of it and peering in. I turned and looked back at the beach, not sure where to go next. It has occured to me that the path through the small rice patties is one the Senoi tribe takes to get water and perhaps fish from the rainwater lake. Their village is further back, in a forest whose trees are taller than those surrounding the lake.


I’ve never been to their village, never felt the need to go. I think part of me doesn’t want to intrude. Another part of me is still afraid of going anywhere new. Fear of trusting our imagination is so ingrained within us. All these years it’s never quiet left me, even with all the proof I’ve had that what I was experiencing was real. Malaysia and Borneo are, in fact, home to rainwater lakes. They do have rice patties, which the orang asli, or Senoi Indians, depend on for survival. The man who first greeted me on the lake looks like the Senoi tribe.

These facts took much time to compile. It wasn’t until I saw a picture of the ‘keeper’ of the lake in a book I’d been reading: Richard Moss’s “Creative Dreaming”, which spoke of the Senoi tribes and his time among them, that I knew what to look for.

I decided not to go to the village, to re~visit other Doors instead, but the intent was already out there. As soon as I drifted off to sleep I came to at the edge of a clearing. I was standing in front of a brown longhouse, realizing that I was in the village. This was shocking to me because I had just decided not to go to the village. What was there to do but enter?

I passed a thick corner of rainforest underbrush and came into the clearing fully. Three longhouses stood without stilts, shorter and a darker brown than the usual greywood shacks I’ve seen in images online. It seemed there was no one there and I wondered if it hadn’t been abandoned.A man stuck his head around the side of a house and smiled at me. He had huge, spacey teeth that made his grin precious. He beckoned me to come to him. Once I passed the first longhouse I saw that there were, in fact, many people there. Several older women, one near a fire, another couple working with thatch. When they saw me they put their work aside and stood, seeming really happy to see me, which was humbling. Much to my surprise they went and gathered instruments and played a welcoming song for me. It was unlike any song I’d ever heard…parts of it sounded like Native American singing, some of it sounded Asian. One instrument looked like some sort of long ocarina, but while the woman played it she also slapped it as if it were a drum. It was such a sweet song, so heartfelt. The people were all so joyous and at ease, though I felt a bit uncomforable being the focus of so much attention.

When it was done they all smiled and nodded and went back to what they were doing. I looked at the man with big teeth, who had a knowing look on his face. I nodded at him and he nodded back, gesturing to the path leading back to the lake. Here it is odd, because I got up to leave, but it’s as if I began to dream before I ever left the village.

I woke up on a makeshift ladder, crawling down it with other Senoi into a cave. I was confused at how I came to be there, so I stopped crawling down and went back up. Later, there was a woman with really short, white hair who I had come to adore. I remember looking at her as she boiled some roots on the fire and thinking how much I liked her. It seems I grew close to her quickly, in the span of the day I spent with the tribe. You’ll find this happens often in experiences like this. Some things are experienced without your actual ‘being’ there. Some of it is teachings you are not yet ready for, but once you are the full memory will come back to you.

Of course, I was very excited to tell my Other about this experience. Since the solving of the Eighth Door nothing new has happened there. I never expected to meet the tribe, not sure why it’s never occured to me before.


It’s been a long journey. Night thirty I focused on the infinity symbol, had some really interesting dreams and woke up the next morning refreshed. Since I had success reaching the vibrational stage while focusing on the symbol, I think I will begin a second thirty~day session focusing on nothing but it and see where it takes me. Sometime in the next three weeks or so I will be taking my third shamanic journey, perhaps that will break me out of whatever is holding me back from leaving my body. Whether or not anyone ever reads this I’m glad I did it. Feeling responsible for putting it in writing each day caused me to be able to create a much~needed habit, if nothing else I have this to be thankful for.