Cure Your Fear

Conscious Jung

“I dislike public places. I am afraid of the dark. I don’t like being around so~and~so. Empty parking lots make me nervous. I am claustrophobic. I wish I could start over again knowing what I know now, so that things would be different.”

All of these thoughts are fear~based, originating from an inside source that has nothing to do with the outside object. Without your thoughts you are neither afraid nor unhappy, phobic nor particular.¬†Once you are ready to integrate silence into your daily practice, you realize that there is no situation in which you can’t thrive, no person you can’t be around, no dark corner you are afraid to venture into. Without your opinions of the past there is no regret.

Maybe you are someone like me, inable to hold focus for long increments of time. That doesn’t mean you can’t integrate silence in short bursts, which are the baby steps towards the quieting of thought that causes you to open up to all possibilities; charging out into the world unafraid, starting each moment as if it were the first, calm and prepared under any conditions. Silence allows you to sidestep long hours of wondering at the source of your fears and trying to piece the big picture puzzle together.

For most of my life I’ve been afraid of the dark, which is ironic considering that I wear black clothing almost unanimously, and listen to black metal music. By all accounts I should be comfortable with the darkness, but I’ve not been since I was young. I remember being about 13 years old and having nightly insomnia. Everyone else in the house would be asleep and I would be wide awake…and terrified. After the movie “Aliens” came out I would hear the skitter of a little face~sucking alien creature beneath my bed, but before that there were witch faces outside my window and things in the closet.

face hugger

Even after I grew into an adult I couldn’t walk down a dark street alone without fearing for my life. I saw people who weren’t afraid of the dark and wondered at how to be like them. A dark room was okay, and even a dark walk in the woods with friends, but once I was alone I was being eaten by random coyotes or attacked by mountain lions in my mind, with no one to ever find my body.

Recently, due to a landslide epiphany, I was able to hold silence in my mind for over a week. One night I was laying in bed talking to my Other and suddenly realized I was no longer afraid of the dark. When silence is held in front of you like a lantern there is no road too dark to travel. Without my own thoughts there is nothing in the dark to harm me, and if there was my fear would most certainly keep me from taking the best route to avoid it. Within silence all answers are available.

Silence Grossman

I’ve always disliked shopping of any kind, to the point that I’ve avoided it at all costs. I’ve often pondered whether or not some childhood trauma took place in a grocery store that caused me to dislike it. It’s been a long lifetime of trying to force myself to get over it, chiding myself for not liking it and even bribing others to go for me. At the very most I would just force myself to go, knowing that I would dislike it the entire time.

None of that is real. It’s all resistance, even the trying to figure out where the strong emotion came from.

Give it a try, with any event or idea that is distasteful to you.

The next time you are going to have to be around someone with which you have an uncomfortable past, or someone that you don’t enjoy being around, try and hold the silence as you interact. Let thoughts of your past, or actions they have taken in the past which have made relations uncomfortable or unsavory, pass you by like passing through fog. As the thought creates itself with words you hear in your head that are explaining the circumstances, stories and rememberances, cut it off in mid~thought, going deaf to the remaining dialogue that would have followed. Keep dropping thoughts off in mid~stream as often as you think of it. Deal with the person as if you have no history, as if you have just met them for the first time. When they ask a question don’t allow yourself to wonder their intention behind it, simply answer the question as it is asked. Keep everything as simple as you can. Be in the moment, taking each second separately from the next. This is what it means to Be, existing in each moment without a past or future. What’s most amazing about this process is that it almost always causes a noticeable positive change in the person you are allowing to be just as they are.

Dostoyevsky

Next time you are walking down a dark alley, imagine that you are a basket with a hole in it. Each time a fearful thought arises, let it drop through the hole onto the ground and leave it laying there alone as you walk away. You can do this any way you want. I like to breathe away the thought, focusing on my own breath and nothing else, allowing thoughts to pass on by without getting caught in their many dramas. This is difficult to accomplish with fear, because we think we need it to alert us to danger or to keep us sharp and on our toes. None of this is true.

It seems unrealistic that silence could be the antidote to fear or the answer to anything. We fear that without thoughts we won’t be prepared in case of emergency, we’ll miss out on opportunities or we’ll not say something we should have. This is all ego talking. In fact, the real you knows all the answers, feels when something isn’t right and responds to it appropriately. The real you always takes the high road and gives advice when it is wise to do so. The real you is clear and certain, and only ever speaks the truth.

Let yourself be the real you. Let go of your phobias and obsessive compulsions. Let go of all the painful bruises that you’ve associated with people and places in your world, so that you can go anywhere and be with anyone without pain or suffering. Find silence any chance you can, and do it as much as you remember to. Even if that’s once a week, it’s better than not having done it at all.

I, daughter of the Moone, can now walk beneath my Mother at night and have no fear. I can dance in the darkness, the blissful, solitary waltz of It and I. I can see the best in people and treat each the same. I can be a true friend because I don’t need them to be anything other than they are, because I am who I am.

Einstein Walks Alone

The “M” Word: Who Has Time To Meditate?

meditation-woman-moon

For years there has been little time to meditate. When I have found the time I’ve largely been unsuccessful, my mind bouncing around robotically. The single practice that would cause me to integrate the fastest is the very practice I have no time to perform. Though my master is always available I’ve rarely gone to him, honestly because I’ve felt unworthy to waste his time. He’s an astral being after all, no doubt he trains the purest souls, the most advanced souls that have perfected meditation and even transcended it. However, the time I’ve spent shaming myself for not having meditated I could have just been meditating.

How many times can I use the word time? The reality is that I’ve simply not been prepared for the discipline meditation requires, and deriding myself has only kept me from it. The walk towards any destination may seem to take forever, but there’s an eternity awaiting, and years of your life are nothing more than the blink of an eye in the Next.

We forget magick exists. We forget that we can advance exponentially the more we sink into self-acceptance. We gain a level and look back to see that we couldn’t have been ready before it was time. The quicker you learn to be okay with exactly who you are Hereandnow, the faster you advance.

All this time I haven’t been meditating, I’ve been living the life I came here to live. That’s practice. That is walking the path, and it’s all my master would ask of me. Every waking breath is walking the path, but because we keep getting lost in the illusion it’s easy to feel like we are not advancing, or even that we are back-sliding. There is no such thing, that’s just more of the illusion.

This sudden ability to hold focus and allow thoughts to pass like clouds began as all epiphanies do: Magick. The solving of the Eighth Door, Duality, lead me to youtube. I had been listening to Ram Dass videos on duality, and one in particular was a meditation (there are so many, I’ll get back to you when I remember which one) in which he suggested the group imagine that the air was full of a gold mist. He asked the group to take deep breaths and inhale the gold mist, and exhale all the anger, sorrow, pain, every negative emotion they were clinging to, allowing the gold mist to enter the heart first and the body next. He asked that, to humor him (he’s such a joker), the audience imagine that there are spirit guides in the mist waiting to help, spirits which have specifically stayed close to us instead of surrendering to the bliss of Next, that they may be available to guide us.

I was doing the meditation and suddenly he said “Do you feel that? That guilt? Let go of that guilt right now.” and I realized that I had felt guilt for so many things that I’d not even realized. Ram Dass explained that ‘grace’ is when a spirit guide literally takes on something that is too heavy for you to carry, something you can’t seem to work through on your own.

I’ve always heard this, but have been too stubborn to ask my master for help. In that moment I was desperate, because some unnamed emotion had caused consistent physical pain in me, debilitating pain that makes me miss days of work and school. I’d not been able to find any cause until that moment. I asked for the guilt to be taken from me, and it was.

This caused a great deal of euphoria. For weeks afterwards I was in a constant psyche-delic state in which I was able to hold perfect focus. In this state every relationship was profoundly deepened. I touched people in a way that I never had before. All judgements were gone and I was able to be a true friend, and because of that they were able to be what they were meant to be as well. More miraculous moments spawned in those weeks than ever had before; even the wind played the hairs of my head in perfect time to the music that I listened to, until I found myself speechless in the great Awe of All Existence, moved beyond ability to express it while at the same time calm and quiet inside. Suddenly excessive, obsessive highs were as distasteful to me as depressive lows, because center is an ecstasy that cannot be compared. Simultaneously (it was all waves, all life is in waves) I was given cause to have many obsessions, many dreams becoming reality yet, I did not lose myself in them, choosing the Middle Road instead. And most importantly, I had no physical pain.

Incidentally, when I returned to that Ram Dass video I found that he’d never once mentioned guilt. That message had been for me and me alone. Guides truly are everywhere, we need only listen to hear their lessons.

That ability to hold perfect focus is gone now, a glimpse of what I could become with meditation. Even during that time I knew it would fade, but I was in the flow and knew that not even that mattered. When I ‘came down’, I found that I had become prepared to begin the journey towards focus and center.

My pain has returned, but I have tools now to release it. I’ve stopped migraines that would have before been inevitable. I’ve reversed pinched nerves and locked up muscles by doing the center-point technique I will describe in detail¬†on the page entitled “Tips for Meditation in a Chaos Age”. I will update the list as I find new techniques along the way, and as always feel free to leave your own.