When Things Fall Into Place

Music Making

P. I ~ When Things Fall Into Place

Pt. II ~ Choose Your Diversion

Pt. III ~ The Endurance of Aeons

I can feel a definite progression in the potency and length of euphoric epiphanies that follow harder lessons. I have noticed that when I feel like what is happening to me is out of my control, it gets out of control quickly. No matter how out of control life seems to become, accepting it just as it is, for exactly what it is, diffuses the situation and turns the tide. The more difficult the situation is to accept, the more euphoric the act of accepting it becomes.

It’s nice when you’re a Zen master and you can hold yourself steady, but for most of us there’s the roller coaster rise and fall, with in~between times that are made up of simply living (which is all that any of it is, anyway).


It seems that the hardest challenges of life are usually indicators of the final moments of a particular era. Before I discovered how incredible this very human life could be I wasn’t sure what the purpose of living was, and I can imagine that many people feel that way.

This particular euphoric time has lasted a couple of weeks. I went to work as usual, listening to Alan Watts on headphones. When I listen consistently to those who have tapped into the silence, I get quiet and still and open inside, filled with an Innerlifeenergetic bliss. Most of us are walking around literally blocked off inside, like a electrical wire that has been cut. You can feel your body buzzing when you’re empty enough to have room to be filled. Things look different, feel different, as if you’re alive for the first time. People who once caused you pain soften in your presence or make kind gestures they never would have before, and you realize that it’s because you have released them from the prison your opinions of them have created.

Everything, even inanimate objects, seems to have its own life, which you can feel a new~found respect for. Traffic works in your favor. Money begins to flow from directions you never would have imagined, but if it doesn’t you don’t even worry about it because you know that even falling is heading a direction.You can literally feel the design, everything working in accordance with the whole.

Even after this euphoric time had faded, miracles continued to occur, more precise than I could even have planned them. The day we didn’t have money to buy potatoes, tuna and paper towels, grandmother dropped by and brought us all of those things, along with the coffee I had only secretly wished for but never put on the list. And this is the least of examples.

We’re so used to thinking that we’re supposed to get out there and do something to make our lives better, but that isn’t how we were made at all. When things come together it may appear to be something we did or even luck, when in fact it was due to our attitude towards life and how open we were to letting things flow as they will.

Humans tend to be terrified of not being able to control everything and we tend to learn things the hard way. Without consistent and deliberate focus on all the things that come together, life certainly appears to be in a state of constant decay. It’s because we have been programmed to believe that the negative is what we should focus on, and that the positive is something unattainable. Because the people in control do not have the common man’s interest in mind, it seems as if there is no point in hoping for something more.

Sometimes I have a physically negative reaction to letting go of the concept of having control. I watch my brain reject notions to trust that whatever comes will be as I have designed it. Once we see the pattern, that whatever happened, no matter how “good” or “bad”, was what we needed to progress, it’s easier to let go.

In this most recent era, once I became still and peaceful enough inside, that energetic bliss began to flow and my consciousness began to expand. During work I went about my business as if lost in a dream, yet I was more able to do my  job with greater clarity.


When I got home from work I would go outside and sit in my flower garden beneath the tallest tree and put a particular song on repeat, Veneficum’s “Endurance of Aeons” which I share later in this post. I would spend an hour staring up at the cosmos, which had replaced the place the sky should have been. Waves of pure ecstasy, which I have only ever experienced out~of~body, washed over me. I was beyond silence, beyond this life. I could see the entire universe and could feel myself as a part of it until I no longer was “I”, rather, “It”. Every single living thing on this planet and any other, as well as those things we believe not to have life, were equally me, and I was equally them, and together (if it could be said that we were separate to begin with) we were all It.

For a week there was no sky, only the universe that I explored every day after work. It is difficult to explain this, because my exploration of the universe was not a movement on my part, rather the universe would come to me; sitting in my plastic chair, staring beyond the precipice of the tallest tree, all I had to do was imagine moving through the universe and it would be so, though it was the universe that moved and not I.

Nightsky Universe

It wasn’t merely the moments in my garden to the music that were filled with such an ecstasy, though it most often washed over me while the music was playing. I’m still not sure why this particular music called such a euphoria home, but the entire album kept it flowing. When I was not listening to the music (which was rare for at least a week), I was swimming in the utterly blissful silence of that universe which I knew myself to be a part of, a universe I could feel every single molecule of.

As with previous mystical experiences, I found myself having the ability to live the entire life span of any object or soul in the universal ocean. In this state time was utterly meaningless, as was distance. Billions of years went by in the blink of an eye, and all knowledge was available to me though I could not write it or speak of it, which I will go into more detail about later.

It was my intention when I created this website to prove that any one of us can have these experiences, we need only reach for them.  It’s so hard to imagine being everything at once, being able to be anything or anywhere, moving forward and back across the timeline as you well please. It’s hard to believe that it’s possible, until catching a glimpse of what being human means from a soul’s perspective, and considering how long infinity really is.

These are the gifts we gave ourselves as diversions from the malleable illusion that surrounds us! What’s Out There can and should be explored. If we had never physically matured from birth to adulthood, we would only be able to see a part of the spectrum of what’s possible to experience as a human. I remember when my daughter re~visited the elementary school she grew up in. “It’s so small! I remember it being so big.” In that same way, without seeing what is Next, it is typical of us when human to forget that anything else exists.

I can imagine that this euphoria might be what a Zen master experiences all the time, once the mind is silenced and the energy of Everything is flowing constantly through the body. You will often see depictions of these rare people with a smile and a glimmer in their eye, as if they know something we do not. We imagine that being them means that we are quiet inside, that our thoughts no longer control our lives and our interactions with others. But silence is not just silence, as these Winkingzenmoments remind me when they occur. Magic exists, and what awaits us is so much more incredible and euphoric than we can even begin to comprehend. The irony is that once such magic is experienced there is little ability to relay that experience to others; either because they could not or would not believe it, or because it goes so far beyond language’s ability to describe it. As you’ve heard from any number of teachers, to cease to think or speak about a thing and become it is where the magic is at. Everything falls right into place, and it’s easy to see that nothing is ever permanent, that no reality is set in stone.

Why do spiritual teachers rarely talk about their daily mystical experiences? Firstly, because when you are being something you can’t talk about it. Secondly, because they do not focus on the ecstasy or the mystical experience. Neither of these are a stopping place, but a waysign that you are headed in the right direction. Pure ecstasy and flying through the cosmos at will aren’t the end of this tale, and that has been very clear to me throughout this experience. Believe it or not, an experience more ecstatic than pure ecstasy is living this life exactly as it is, accepting it exactly as it is. It seems difficult to comprehend, but this exact life that you are living now could be the most amazing mystical journey you have ever known.

To be honest, you reading this right now are all that has heard this tale from me, because I want to keep my diary going, to chart any new territory I can. Usually when such a time takes place I will share it with my Other as it occurs, but at the time the experience was too profound for words. Even now that it is over I find I do not speak of it in detail to those who know me.

I feel like this inability to share my experience with others is proof that I have taken a step in the right direction, because we can talk or listen all we want, but until we become what we are talking about or listening to, it’s not really getting us anywhere. I never understood it when teachers said that until now.

This era actually began weeks ago, emerging from days of listening to Eckhardt Tolle and Alan Watts on Youtube. Slowly my pure vinegar state, spoken of in the previous post When Things Fall Apart, faded and I found myself once again in the grasp of that undying knowledge that all is well, always and in all ways.

Then my closest friend sent me an album via email and the music intensified my experience. I found the songs building inside me, each epic ending adding to the symphony of life around me, enhancing nature in all its unbridled glory. Have you ever listened to music that seemed to make nature come alive? It was so.


All natural life visibly changed before me. Rocks and leaves were kaleidoscopically symmetrical. Birds flew together in geometric shapes. The tallest tree in the garden which I mentioned earlier was a prime object of the music’s desire.

“…wind blows through two groups of leaves side by side at its summit. I call them the Sisters. They echo each other, responding to the song with movement from the wind. They blow in time to the beat, tens of thousands of leaves all moving in their own dances, touching each other or moving away, all perfection. Butterflies are mating this time of year and their chaotic circling mirrors the butterfly~heartbeat of the bass drums. I thought of that beat as a butterfly heart long before the garden, but magic now provides real butterflies to go with the music, one of a billion small gifts that being able to comprehend my cosmic ancestry allows.

“To that song in the garden I return to Stillevarden, in the process of exploring beyond the familiar beach to the east and beyond.

“My mind is absolutely still, fixed in one point while everything else moves around it. I become immersed in swoons of epiphany, when answers to life’s greatest questions are all revealed yet I am too silent inside to pen any of it down. The writer in me, as well as the ego, wants to capture each one of the most brilliant and unique concepts I’ve ever connected with, but to put pen to paper would end the moment, because I am truth itself.  So much of this ecstasy cannot be shared, nor brought back to hot soil upon my return.

“We all have this gift, it is our legacy as part of Everything. We can access all knowledge if we get quiet enough. An unnameable ecstasy washes over me in waves as I look out over the entire universe. I can’t see the blue of the sky, only the black of space and every single thing in it. Being it. Overwhelmed. At total peace. Taken and in tears for the utter bliss I am experiencing, but liquid never touches my cheeks. Over and over the song takes me there. Over and over I am all that exists, all at once, rapt in the absolute endlessness of eternity and what that means.

“Everything around me begins to melt into me. I become part of everyone I meet. Total acceptance, total understanding. People blossom like flowers in my presence, becoming their most beautiful parts because of the great space inside me. During eras such as this of feeling the Oneness of all things, I can’t help but be in inner tears to witness how being Everything flows through me to others. It’s never anything I am, or anything I am doing, it’s that I am an empty vessel filled with light, and that I’m being still enough to reflect the cosmos. People aren’t seeing me, but that part of the universe that is inside them. They are seeing their own beauty through me.”

You may wonder what the point of being able to access all knowledge is, if we cannot bring any of it back with us. This experience has happened to me several times, yet I am not rich, I have not solved world hunger and I do not know the cure for cancer. While there are people that have tapped in and brought inventions and cures back with them, I am neither focused nor disciplined enough to put any piece of knowledge into action.

So…what’s the point, then? When considering a puzzle, each piece, alone, makes no sense. It’s not until the entire puzzle is seen completed that the full picture can

When It Comes Togetherbe viewed. The ego says that we need to see signs and wonders to believe in anything mystical, that we have to bring something back with us to prove where we’ve been, but once you are flooded with universal truth, the big picture is that you are okay, just as you are. You are doing exactly as you should be, and so is every other thing in the universe. This is the only knowledge that is needed! It is from this vantage point that joy and peace can be attained in this world just as it is, with all its challenges and difficulties. Only then can we be of true benefit to ease the suffering that exists here.

Speaking of suffering…simultaneously with this euphoric time, I began witnessing a surge in serious life~changing events going on with my closest friends. My brother was thrown in prison for 45 years for a crime he did not commit, shaking our family to its core. A friend of mine that suffers from severe depressions hit a bad patch and began hearing voices again. My brother~in~law faced possible prostate cancer and my sister contracted a strange lung virus that wouldn’t go away. Her son, a nephew that is also like a son to me, found himself once more suicidal.

All I could do was listen to any of them that wanted to relay their experience, but because I was writing and listening through the Great Everything That Is, my love had more of a healing affect than it would have otherwise. I could not lament any of them as I would have before, wanting so badly to be able to ease the suffering of those around me yet unable to do so. All I could think was, and is, my god, if everyone could feel this, if everyone could know what awaits…..if they could know what they are…

But even those of us that see where we are headed forget, and often. The general public doesn’t realize what being connected to the Universe means. It sounds like hocus pocus. I’m not one of those people who is unafraid of telling people what I have discovered. Only two people who know me even know this website exists. I hide my true self from all, because I want me to be ME, not people’s opinion of my beliefs. In all honesty, if I were open about myself to everyone and people loved me, I would help dispel the definite categories that people have for people like me. I’m afraid of rejection just like everyone else.


Sometimes I wonder at why we have been taught the exact opposite of the truth; that we are unique to the universe, separate from everything else. We can’t even feel the connection anymore, we’ve become so blocked off from it by focusing solely on our physical existence. We think that natives and aborigines who still believe these things are beautiful, but that knowledge doesn’t seem to be for us anymore. We are unhappy and have forgotten why.

However, once we tap in to the grand scheme, as I have these past weeks, we see that every single action in the universe is for a purpose. Not only that, but we can feel that even the suffering was planned by us. How many times do we suffer stomach flu, only to appreciate the taste of a simple bowl of rice afterwards? What would be the point of all this if there were no point to it?

Now the feeling is fading. When I listen to the song it doesn’t open the universe to me as it once did. However, I am left with the reminder that I’m on the right path, doing exactly as I should be doing. We have a tendency to feel like we are somehow holding ourselves back…and that very well may be true. We blame ourselves for not meditating more, for not having more mystical experiences. All that is pointless. Sometimes even holding ourselves back is what was meant, as we remember when things come together.

Pt. II ~ Choose Your Diversion

Due to my brother’s incarceration I’m considering writing a petition for his release to be displayed on Change.org, so I’ve been there a lot recently, signing petitions on all sort of subjects. I saw one the other day about a young woman named Mary who suffers from something called myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome. The symptom list is long and basically adds up to having your life stolen from you, removed of every ability to be a normal human being. Zero energy mixed with debilitating pain, topped with the inability to find a doctor that believes there’s anything wrong…and that isn’t even doing the horror of her condition justice. Despite her 25 pills a day, Mary is still suffering.

Please go visit Mary’s WordPress page and sign her petition, to help her raise awareness of ME/CFS. It takes about five minutes.


In a post on her site, Mary gives her email address along with the comical query for anyone who knows the answer to the question of life to email her. No one can give her that answer because every life is its own universe, and something tells me that Mary knows that already. Due to my present state, seeing everything at once in my universe, that answer is clear to me; that she, like myself, have come into this life to experience pain that cannot be cured by common medicine. We have come into this life to know what it means to be judged for reasons seemingly out of our control.

What would make any more sense than to consider that we chose this? If not, then someone or something is doing this to us. What would that be? How can control or creation not be our legacy, when the entire rest of the universe works as it should, by its own rules?


As Mary, I question the truth of not only my own, strange sickness, but myself in the process. As with myself, I see Mary as one integral piece of the big picture of why we are all here and why every life makes perfect sense, just as it is. Is there some Ultimate Truth that can be shared by all?  Could there be a possibility that in Mary’s reality, she is not the Universe expressing itself as a human? The very body that imprisons her is formed from the same composition as the oldest galaxies that we can observe.

We don’t watch a supernova explode and think “Omg, that star didn’t handle living very well.” We don’t see a meteor headed our way and think “That so~and~so, how dare it threaten us!” The universe is as it is, its death and life, all the occurrences that we observe are simply…occurrences. We accept all of it without question. But when our lives are seemingly taken away from us by mysterious ailments that most doctors don’t even believe in, we can feel that we’ve been put upon, beset by a fate out of our control, subject to an untruth, something that should not be. I am no exception most days. The helpless feeling comes and goes, exacerbated by others opinions of me.

When humans see something that we don’t understand, such as a person that should be totally normal and healthy but has a sickness that makes them look like a lazy person who has given up on life, we judge them harshly. We take being human so personally, and personal means dual. Separate.

In my universe there is nothing separate. That’s what I’m experiencing right now with this song and the garden and Everything. It’s impossible to convey in any words that do it credit. The butterfly mating dance IS the double bass of the drum, which IS the trajectory of the rogue planet fifteen million light years away and the black hole that it passes, slowly changing its course to be eaten and spat out again as another group of molecules, or the beginnings of another universe entirely.

In those moments that Mary is most happy, on her best days, she is closer to that great Everything. ME/CFS is how Mary’s little speck of the universe is experiencing being human. Maybe she came here to know what it was like to help others, and the way that she’s helping others is to have a sickness no one believes is real, so that she can raise her voice for all those who are too afraid or sad to speak out for themselves. None of us can know. Mary probably doesn’t even know why she came to do this. For all my mystical experiences I don’t know why I have chosen incurable pain for myself. All any of us can do is live the best we can and have as many happy moments as we can claim.

The Dalai Lama is exiled from his own country of Tibet, forced to live in a place that is not his home. Yet he accepts this life, lives it in the best possible way and helps millions of others in the process. While it’s easy to think he has a pretty sweet life, we may have no idea the pain he feels. He just never talks about it because his focus is not self~centered as my own. My own life with all its aches and pains is sweet compared to a young boy in Thailand who sleeps on a filthy concrete floor and spends his days being trafficked for sex. Pain is relative, and if the Dalai Lama had spent his years whining about his life it wouldn’t have been so sweet. He is my hero many days when the pain keeps me bed~bound.

Short of being a Zen master, all we can do is divert our attention from our own suffering long enough to catch one of those euphoric moments. Most of us don’t notice that when something really good happens in our lives (or even really bad), many of our aches and pains lessen or go away entirely. I’ve always thought it was funny that every time I get seriously ill with diverticulitis and am in bed for days, my back and joints don’t hurt, and the pillow doesn’t make my neck feel broken as usual. Instances like that prove to me that there’s more to this pain business than we realize.

I’ve often used the metaphor of a person walking happily down the sunny street who gets a phone call saying that their mother died. Suddenly the sun is too bright, or it gets darker. The world literally changes around them to reflect their inner feelings and emotions.Maybe the headache, which didn’t seem like a big deal before, suddenly begins to throb and becomes unbearable. There are a million little indicators each day that our attitude changes everything, but I’ve learned first hand that having a good attitude doesn’t cure us, no matter how much we think we want to be cured.


As for euphoric times, the more mystical moments we have the worse the bad times feel, and we find that the drive to keep from having bad times is stronger. As humans we basically have to be so down and out that we come to a place where we simply cannot do it anymore. Then we come to that place a thousand more times before something inside of us decides that we are done experiencing a certain thing. No one can judge us for how long it takes to get there.

Edgar Cayce quote 1

Each of us walk our own path in our own way, in our own time, to our own beat. Something inside me may very well continue to feel like a cripple that can’t be cured, and I’ll be a cripple for the rest of my life. I don’t want that to be true, but no amount of hating being a cripple, and thusfar no amount of mystical experiences has cured me, though I can say the Eckhardt Tolle “Using Presence for Pain” technique has revolutionized my pain (see the post Ending Physical Pain“). Just the other day I cut the time I was doomed to be in bed in half, a great accomplishment for not being able to see, to walk or to stop throwing up. Days that bad are destined to last 24 hours or more, but I’m changing that. Even when I look really sick on the outside, since employing this technique I have not cried once, nor wished I was dead, as I have so many times before. That, in itself, is amazing.

In those beautiful moments when life looks bigger than my sickness, when it seems there is meaning to my suffering, I dream that maybe there’s a chance for aViking ship different life. While it is common for religion to be the choice diversion for many humans, “god” doesn’t have to be our choice. Most people don’t realize that the universe reaches out to each person in their own style.

When I first met what people call God, It was the sun, ushered in by my master as a Viking ship sailed into its light. I love all things Norse, why would “God” not reach out to me through all the symbols that mean joy to me, the very thing that It is made of?

And so my diversions are symphonic black metal. Coffee. Ecstasy. Are each of them just as powerful a trap as suffering? Yes, because the Middle Way is neither joy nor sorrow, but simply Being. We can be addicted to the small, “guilty” pleasures, or highs or lows, but those are the illusions of joy, not the point of this thing we call life. This euphoric time that I’ve been through was only a marker to remind me what comes Next.

After the euphoric times were over I didn’t come crashing down like I used to, I kind of floated to the ground. The song doesn’t affect me in the way that it used to. I’m looking at my fellow humans as something separate from me again, but I’ve retained the memory of being one with that Great Everything. It’s something inside me that won’t ever die, an understanding I will continue to wake up to over and over.


Spiritual teachers will tell you that time does not exist, and that living in the here and now is the greatest gift that we can give ourselves. They are right. Yet here we are, having created this thing that helps us differentiate one moment from the “next”. The Next is itself just a symbol, representing a future moment that will be Now.

In our minds time does exist and, lost in moments, we drown in sleep long before we realize we are no longer awake. It’s something that happens to us over and over as we learn how to stay awake longer and longer. While living in the present moment is the absolute best way to divert ourselves, the simple fact is that without knowing the outcome, many of us don’t know what to strive for. It’s why I elucidate the mystical experience like I do. Without having glimpsed the reason for all suffering, I may have been resigned to pain without any hope of a future.

I got lucky, we shall say, though that is not true. I called an ancient master that I didn’t even believe in, and He came. That’s not to say that it was not time for this to happen in my life, obviously it was or my sister would never have given me the Eckankarbook that told how to summon Him, or I would have never read it because the word God appeared too many times for my then atheist tastes.

Exploration is only one of infinite ways to divert ourselves, and what works for one will not work for others. Our challenges are what we use as contrast to what feels good and what does not. We can use the smallest physical forms such as caffeine addiction, or greater forms such as coming into a world of severe abuse. We can choose mental states like autism and schizophrenia, so inner~world intensive that a person can not even interact with those around them. We can choose to be able to interact with the world but be isolated from it.

I’ve been with my master for over ten years and I’m only now beginning to learn how to begin the process of dealing with my pain. It is a process that could take years more. There must be something I have yet to learn from it, as unhappy as I may be about that.

As with Mary, there’s something tragic and heart~wrenching about looking around and seeing everyone living a normal life and know that you can’t. Going to the grocery store, playing tennis. Unlike Mary, I can go to the grocery store without problems, but I can’t garden, mow the lawn, take long walks or exercise to lose weight. We are learning the greater or lesser degrees of being left behind by the world, being isolated from making all our dreams come true. I have certainly thought to myself, “If this pain was done there’s nothing I couldn’t accomplish!” Maybe once I learn my lesson that’s exactly what I’ll go out and do, but for now I’m being grounded by myself, might as well make the best of it, and I’m heartened by the way Mary lemonades the hell out of her lemons. For now, I can rest in the knowledge that I did this to myself for a damned good reason, even if I don’t know what that reason is. Mary is living her life with her own style. She’s living life like the Dalai Lama. He isn’t someone special, he’s the part of she and I that figured out the pain part, at least as much as any human can.

In the language of the common man I’ll give some advice. For now, use time to your advantage. Use whatever makes you happy to divert your attention away from your thoughts and your suffering. If your diversion hurts you in some way, keep in mind that you are paying a price for being diverted. The ultimate goal is to get to a place joyful enough that you don’t need diversion anymore.

Sometimes you’re just going to fall apart, and sometimes you won’t. The more you divert yourself, the higher a vibration you hold your physics at, the more of a chance you’ll have of experiencing a euphoric time. The more of those times you have the more powerful they get, and the more powerful they get the more “coming down” feels less like the direction you want to go. Sometimes that process takes years, or even a lifetime. But one day you’ll have an epiphany that everything is just like it’s supposed to be, and that knowing that can make it okay. Only when you accept that can you feel the utter bliss of making each next moment a now, accepting each now just as it is.

Pt. III ~ The Endurance of Aeons

Note to self and others: stop judging the ways in which we divert ourselves! Music that’s spiritual for some is a cacophony to others, as you’re about to find out. Most people would not listen to the music that makes a cosmos of me and think it was good for anything but devil worship when, in fact, it is what put me on this path in the first place.

Imagine the worst song on the radio that you can think of, one that makes your eye twitch every time it comes on. There is someone out there that gains great strength and healing from that song, someone who has been changed forever by Radio Pie Chartwhat that frivolous, seemingly~meaningless song has meant to them. Golf looks boring to me, but there’s someone out there flying through the cosmos as they are walking along the golf course from hole to hole. I don’t like to think about people dressing like everyone else because it makes them fit in, but every human alive wants to fit in, and some are so bruised and alone that they would do anything in their power to be noticed, accepted. Loved. How dare I make a judgment about that!

If you don’t like one spiritual teacher, that means that there’s another one out there suited for you. So often I hear spiritual people talking down about the new age “Law of Attraction” community, or the Klemp Eckists (which I, myself, am guilty of). Eventually, we find that every spiritual teacher is simply stating a personalized part of the same whole, and we realize that what we are searching for is Within. It sure helps having many tools at our disposal until then.

We read books, we listen to music. We shop excessively or gossip. Or we do hard drugs, or kill someone. Depending on how low we are we’ll go to all sorts of extremes to feel better, and feeling better is key. Does that mean that it’s okay to kill someone or do hard drugs? How do you think you got here? Lifetimes ago you experienced what hate and horror were like, and you learned that part. You don’t need that anymore, you’re purified. You’re up ahead on that part of the path, just as the Dalai Lama may be ahead of you on the Painless Way. Or not. He just turned 75, he may have arthritis in his knees from sitting like that all the time. And then again, he may not.Dalai Fart

Whatever diversion we choose, this is a neverending process. Eventually you won’t need diversion anymore. Eventually, when your used to living in the present moment, you can drop the diversions and get on with life. We’re going against all the odds here! We are un~learning what falsities have been learned, reprogramming ourselves to remember what’s been lost.Eckie Tolle talks a lot about how our pain is in our DNA, something that we’ve carried for a very, very long time. It takes time to get rid of it. Or it can take one second. Our choice.

If you’re into eating a whole box of chocolate when you’re sad, stop bludgeoning yourself over the head about it and just enjoy it! My personal addiction is food, and as “spiritual” as I get, I can’t shake the obsession with it. If it’s something you can’t seem to control, stop fighting against it and work on accepting that part of you. It’s not able to be controlled because it’s trying to be accepted. “But what if I accept that part of me and then gain 100 lbs?” you ask? I asked that too. We don’t want to be one of those people walking around that stuffs themselves in tiny little clothes they shouldn’t be wearing, because they don’t care what others think of them. I say they are my heroes, every one. And besides, the more I accept myself the more weight I lose.

Reach for the better feeling thing every chance you get.

And so, without further ado, and to prove just how different our cosmic diversions can be, here’s the song that ushered in this new era of my life. I had to make my own YouTube video for the song because there wasn’t one. It’s my first video ever so it’s blurry and not very good, so bear with me. And if you can’t stand to listen to it, turn it down and watch my journey into the cosmos.

Unbearable Beauty: The Perfection of the Design

Cosmic Spiral

The unbearable beauty state was first described by the Buddha. It occurs in those moments when we surrender to the perfection of the design of the universe. It’s not a state that I can hold onto for long. As an acolyte it comes in bursts, between stretches of unconsciousness. The more time we spend being at peace in our minds, going with the flow of this physical experience, the less desire we have to return to the fear that generates depression and anger~based emotions.

Most of us live in pain but want to be pain~free: a desire that is actually a call for pain. Because life does as we command, we are presented with a steady stream of pain, practice problems we work on over lifetimes. We begin to see a pattern and realize that passing each test moves us to other lessons. Life begins to look less like a calamity spiraling out of our control and more like a game we can play to cause any number of desired outcomes.

Eventually we come to the state of Unbearable Beauty, where we can see both the suffering of the world and ourselves as well as the perfection of the suffering in the grander scheme of beauty. We comprehend the often crushing difficulty of the questions even as we experience the simplicity and succor of the answers. This is an odd state to experience, the beginnings of the lonely part of the journey in which most experiences can no longer be shared. You’ll find that a lot of my posts are about this same subject, if under various sub~categories.

This state is equally horrific and exquisite. Having at last stepped away from the self far enough to be able to see the full game as I am playing it, I can also see the other players; all of our hands, through the many masks we wear and pseudo~names we shelve ourselves under. I can see the past: genesis, what caused the masks to be first put in place, as well as the possible futures in which a mask is removed…or not. Often times, it feels like the equivalent of both being an adult that can see the obvious actions of a child and being the child who is obvious to an adult.


Dongahn Quang’s “Swing” 2011

During the initial stages of becoming familiar with Unbearable Beauty, the meaning of the infinity symbol begins to fully sink in, with its realizations of the repeating pattern in which life’s lessons occur, becoming more difficult as certain sections of homework are done and tests are taken and passed. In every instance, stepping back far enough to see the perfection of the bigger design is what causes us to pass to the next level.

And so we must suffer. In my experience lessons don’t take summer sharksholidays, they intensify right out of the gate, so to speak. Every time I become accustomed to swimming in pure bliss, a shark begins to circle. If I attempt to ignore it or try and outwit it, more sharks come. What is happening is life giving me a taste of safe waters so that I will be more tempted to swim faster towards safety.

The lessons in my life this past week have involved long~time friends and relatives. Nothing hurts like pain related to those we love as we find ourselves unable to accept the choices people make for themselves.

Over a couple of year’s time an old friend of mine, to whom I have looked as a guru most of my life, has been revealed to be an intensely angry, bitter and childish person. It is said that the guru should not be judged by his personality, but my interpretations of this event have left me feeling devastated. The pain that his actions have caused me and others close to him have made me feel like I have plenty of justification for my pain. There is always justifications, but in the end we either choose to be in pain or we focus on the larger picture.

Another friend of mine is making the best of an abusive relationship. She’s never known anything better, and this new man is less abusive than any of the others. Needless to say it’s painful to watch her go through, even with her best~possible~attitude. Still, I can find justifications all over the place to allow her suffering to become mine. There are many ways to learn any one lesson, we need not be in abusive relationships to learn something we could learn from healthy ones. Yet, we all attract those like us, so that we all may be given the chance to heal together….or not. “It’s our choice, and no one can say we don’t have the right to make that choice!” my Spiritmother used to remind me.

Cosmic Design

Cosmic Design by S. Chandresekar


That’s the beauty of the design, the unbearable beauty. Perhaps my male friend has chosen bitterness and self~righteousness in this lifetime because his own pain is too great to face. Perhaps my female friend has chosen an abusive relationship to quicken her pace towards freedom. This is their game of chess and this is how they play. They were meant to experience the exact experience they are creating for themselves.

So…what is left for those of us who suffer because of the struggles of our loved ones? If a person’s actions cause us pain we have every right to move ourselves out of the line of fire. But…what is the pain that we feel? It’s nothing anyone else has done to us. In fact, that pain is ego. I need him to be this or that for me. I want her to see the big picture or I wish she would stop choosing punishment for herself. None of these judgments are truly sympathetic to the person they are made against. Neither of them take the current lesson into account, nor the perfection of the design.

McGill Beautypain

Every moment the decision is this: surrender to the pain, surrender to the silence and find that nothing painful truly exists or continue to choose to hurt. Pain is something we do or choose not to do to ourselves. I am completely justified in being hurt by my friends, but I’ve gotten the taste of something much bigger, a state in which I am free and no pain exists. It’s increasingly harder for me to hold on to my opinions and judgments. I’m tired of the pain. I don’t want it anymore.

While working that next morning I listened to this meditation, the Sai Gayatri by Sumeet TetraheTappoo, fighting being overwhelmed when considering the possible futures of my friends. My male friend may very well run everyone that loves him away. My female friend may be trapped in an increasingly isolated and painful relationship whose wounds may take years to heal. With the Unbearable Beauty state comes what is called by many teachers “the Witness”, the deeper self that watches all the Tetraheegames of chess that we play as they occur, no longer being helpless to move forward like pawns, yet not having control enough to play the Queen. I went about my daily work, my soul mourning the loss I felt and what I perceived to be some sort of end to something. But the Witness could only see that I was choosing to be in pain, tetraheeeas if standing on the brink between Heaven and Hell. So I decided to use the Sai Gayatri meditation to its fullest. It consists of an hour of approximately ~15 second instrumental parts with a ~15 second chant between them. I decided to allow myself to mourn through the music, but to use Sumeet’s voice to re~awaken and become conscious, immersed in the unbearable beauty, the yin and yang.

When the music came on I didn’t have to make myself lose focus. I felt like shedding tears. My mind ran in circles, going over every justification I had for why the two should not be doing what they were doing. My back began to hurt along with my feelings. I would completely lose myself in sorrow. It felt as if my soul was weeping. Waves of exhaustion would wash over me. Then his voice would come……


Om, Saayeesh~varaa~ya Vidhmahe,
Sat~hya Dhevaay~a Dheemahi
Thanna~ssarvah ~Pracho~dayaath

and my soul would break free of its physical shell and hover on the very edge of the cosmos, looking out at the infinite string of pearled galaxies, places for infinite physical lives to exist, to suffer and learn how to stop suffering. In those moments nothing existed but the awe and pure ecstasy of the universe and the perfection of the design. In those moments none of the pain existed, nor the forms which it took on.

I continued this until the chant was done, then played it again. By the second time around I had become so light, released from the sorrow, having mourned my fill. Many realizations of why my friends are like they are, which caused me to accept their choices, came to me once my mind was still. I realized that sometimes people need to walk their walk without us by their side, and that is okay. And sometimes friends need us to be there even if we don’t approve of their choices, to allow ourselves to love without judgment. We can only be true to ourselves, whatever that means. Walking away with love is better than staying in resentment. Walking beside without judgment is better than leaving because of love.

It’s a constant process that we partake in, choosing surrender over justification. Choosing faith over untrust in the universe and our fellow man. The Unbearable Beauty of the Sugmad, that god that we are, waves and waves above this realm, experiencing hate and love simultaneously, savoring the taste of each. The image below, made by parablev at Deviant Art, is a place I have been, a journey that can be read in my post Foreversong. Perhaps the symbols are different but we create our gods as we see fit. To be a god is to see the perfection of hate and love, sorrow and joy; to allow others to experience their lives as they see fit and to stop expecting people to live their lives according to our rules. To let go of opinion and judgment and simply BE for the joy of Simplybeing.







The Rose~Coloured Universe

Cocoon Nebula

It is so easy to sit here in my comfortable, safe living room, in the peaceful woods of a peaceful nation, and say that all is right with the world. I have all the food I could ever want to eat and at least enough money to live. I have white skin, blonde hair and blue eyes and know everything there is to know about “white privilege”.

Meanwhile there are people out there starving and suffering; not just a few people, many, many people. There are young boys with guns and men with knives caught in the middle of a war they do not want to fight. There are people sold into slavery; young girls in sex trafficking rings and women forced to sell their bodies for money they never see. There are mothers dying of AIDS with no one to take care of their children. People being oppressed for the colour of their skin and natural disasters that are killing and displacing thousands upon thousands of people. With every new terrorist act innocent people’s lives are being torn apart. There are physically~ and/or mentally~challenged elders who are being abused by the very people who are supposed to take care of them. Right now, at this very moment, there is someone somewhere being kept in a hole in the ground, beaten, starved, cold and alone, dreading the moment their captors return to do god~knows~what to them.

I could go on forever listing all the horrors of the world, they are too numerous to even name. When we turn our attention to the suffering of man we find that it overwhelms us.

Black RoseThough I have not experienced every type of suffering, I have experienced more than most people I know, yet it is nothing compared to what many people in the world experience. I can say that I am glad for what suffering I have experienced. None of it has been for any reason but for my own personal growth. In fact, it is my belief that I specifically asked for these things to happen and chose Earth as the place they would occur, precisely as they have.

This state of mind is incomprehensible when considering young children who are sold into slavery by their parents. It is a cold, calculated thing to say, when considering the ethnic cleansing and rape~genocide of the gentle peoples of the Sudan; that they would have asked for this thing to happen to them and specifically chosen for themselves atrocities beyond my comprehension or experience. I have never been there, and I could not possibly understand.

However, there is a place that I have been which few other people have ever witnessed, a place no one can say they have any complete understanding of. It is a place that answers the every question of human suffering. I call it the “Next”. The Next is what comes after this life. It is a place that any of us can go if we wish, at any time. This place is different for each person who goes there. It is what we are training for, to purify ourselves until we are ready to exist in the realms of pure spirit. This is a place that we came from, a place we are returning to. We chose to be here, now, living whatever life we are living right now, and when it is done we return to the Next and decide if we need to move on or come back here again. We return if we need different lessons, or if we want to help those who are here with the lessons they are living.

Purple RoseThere are many people who have visited this Next, people who have left the physical world and returned with the same message. This message is that we are all connected, and that all that awaits us is love. This Love instantly abolishes pain, instantly repays all suffering as if it never existed. You could have lived every waking moment of a human lifetime in excruciating pain and horror and enter the Next to find that you would do it all again, one million times over, in order to taste even one drop of that Love. Even the most evil soul would abandon its hate at the feet of this Love, and be taken in by it equally. We are not here to be judged, though that is not to say there is not justice in the Next. We choose our path and, by doing so, we choose our reward or punishment.

Every single one of us came from that Love and is a part of it. It is that very Love which we return to in the end. I have listed a few of the better~known experiences in my post entitled Diverging the Great Divisionary, with a link to a website that details many religious and mystical experiences.

Blue RoseSo many of us believe that Earth is our reality; that we are physical beings first and foremost and that when we die we become something else, something we never have been before. The Next showed me that we were not originally physical beings and that we have forgotten this fact. Not only that but we chose to forget, so that we could learn how to return over and over again.

Every one of us has been the abuser, and every one of us the abused. It all depends on which lifetime you are working in and what lessons you wish to learn. The purpose for this is to experience Every~ Experience~Ever~Experienced. We are explorers. What explorer does not what to know all that exists? On Earth our explorers climb the highest mountains, survey the depths of the oceans. Our souls are inquisitive. There is no nook or cranny that we do not want to know the full extent of, all that this life has to offer. In my Next I saw that it is the same with “God”, experiencing Every~Experience~Ever~Experienced through us; looking through our eyes, knowing suffering and joy equally through our choices. In the Next all realities exist.

Rose~coloured as I am, I believe that every soul creates its own reality. I cannot look at the person next to me on the street and say that his/her universe is not real, and yet we all tend to believe our own realities are the sole truth in the cosmos. This is a large part of why I have chosen to study physics. I want to try and help prove that thought creates all we see around us, and that there is no one Cardinal Truth.

Even those who don’t believe my version of the universe and the Next are right, they will not find what I have found when they move on. If you disagree with what you are reading here or do not want to believe it, you are right, it is not true for you. If something is not true for you then it is not true for your entire universe. You will look around and see zero evidence of it anywhere, and then be tempted to claim that it is not true for anyone. However, the more we realize that we are each our own universe, the less we judge others and the more we accept every universe as valid.

Green RoseIn my universe humans are multi~dimensional beings, and this is a concept that we are just now becoming familiar with. With each new choice we switch dimensions; in these brink moments we alter the direction we are headed. As rose~coloured as it sounds, any of us can choose to remove ourselves from any amount of suffering by working to change our base state.

Let us look to Darfur for an example. Th natives of that land never asked to be treated as they have been. They are a simple, beautiful people who, left to their own devices, would live in harmony. The moment that a Sudanese woman chooses to harden her heart and believe the evidence her situation tells her about the world (men are evil/the world is a horrible place full of pain/ justice does not exist), she concretes those facts into a truth and that truth into a reality. This alters her direction away from the Love she is attempting to return to. Who would blame her? She sees no evidence of justice anywhere. These are events completely outside her ability to control. Or are they?



If she chooses to love herself she moves one step closer to what she meant herself to be, which is one step further away from suffering. She now has a chance for peace, as opposed to holding on to the justifiable hatred and fear that would cause living to continue to be hell. When she believes in justice against all odds, she alters the world around her.

Her pain is overwhelming; every waking moment in fear, literally living a horror story. These women get raped and have children who grow up to be raped by their fathers. And yet, within dimensions of perception there are any infinite number of outcomes, which we, ourselves, control. I know how my rose~coloured view sounds, and it took me many years to get to the point that I could say it out loud. Anyone that has experienced the Next has seen the bigger picture, the outcome of all suffering and the justice that is served upon transition.

Cat's Eye NebulaThe choices are infinite here. We decided what lessons we wanted to learn, and physical life has created them for us. I speak from experience, it is this very process which set me free. As I, engulfed in utter darkness, reached for a light that I could not yet see, I found the light was also reaching for me. But this process takes time. Survivors survive because they want to continue.

What of those who don’t survive? What if that Sudanese woman chooses to kill herself rather than be abused one more time? What if, though she chose that suffering for herself, she decided that it was too hard for her and that she didn’t want to learn the lesson anymore? Some lessons are so hard, and cause so much suffering that humans remove themselves from the experience completely. If we could remember that we chose these experiences would they be any easier? Don’t we all have the choice to learn a lesson or to leave it? Who can judge her for leaving, for starting over?

I have found very few stories of those who survived concentration camps during WWII who have forgiven their abusers, much to the horror of other survivors.  Here is one such story of a woman who survived Auschwitz~Birkenau. She and her twin were experimented on by the infamous Dr. Mengele. Her entire family died in that camp, and her twin due to complications years later, yet she refused the justified hate, desiring, as she put it, to “remove the burden of the victim mentality from my shoulders”.

Eva Kor


Even in the face of the most inhuman acts that man can dish out, there are some that reach towards forgiveness. Those are the ones who will suffer less, but sometimes we come here to know suffering. Those who can forgive are the ones who will have a chance for happiness, because their hearts are not being eaten away by injustice. But sometimes we came here to know unhappiness. Those who refuse forgiveness are justified. Those who accept forgiveness have no justification whatsoever, they simply don’t want to suffer inside anymore. Carrying hate is so taxing, exhausting.

It seems that injustice is one of those events of physical life that people find it hardest to overcome. When there is no closure, no answer for the injustice suffered, our minds circle in attempts to try and make sense of it. The brain becomes obsessed with solving a puzzle that cannot be solved because pertinent pieces, such as a reason good enough to have done what was done, are missing. I know firsthand how insane that circling can make someone, how it can turn a life upside down.

Orange RoseIf Love is the ultimate end, how could the pain we suffer be needless and in vain? If everything is connected and love is the largest thing, no matter how brutal, how horrific, how devastating the suffering is, it is the blink of an eye compared to the eternity that awaits.

It is so easy to look at the suffering of the world from a point of pain and say that it is forced upon us, that we have no choice but to suffer. In that same sense, it is easy to look at the suffering of the world from a point of joy and say that it has every reason to exist, and that it is making us all better having experienced it. How could Heaven be so beautiful were Hell not so horrible? If life on Earth was peace and unity, what would we have to strive for? What purpose would a physical existence serve, if not to purify us in the magma of igneous change?

I no longer suffer. This is a thing that not many people can claim. That’s not to say that I do not experience pain, it’s simply that pain is now an external thing, no longer reflected on the inside. In truth, I feel guilty that I no longer suffer, because I’m terrified of forgetting what it was like to suffer and losing my empathy for those who still do. I’m afraid to become like others who turn a blind eye to the suffering of their fellow man. So I create physical ailments for myself. I’m quite good at it, no sickness that I have made for myself has any cure: sacroiliac joint dysfunction, spinal problems causing pinched nerves and severe migraines, fibromyalgia, carpal tunnel, psoriasis, eczema, keratosis pilaris, gluten intolerance and food allergies, diverticulitis, high blood pressure, uterine fibroids and cysts causing miscarriage and incontinence. I continue to create pain for myself because some part of me believes that as, as humans, we cannot escape it. Somewhere deep down inside me I believe that we should not escape it. Humans have believed these things for centuries. It’s not easy to deny our DNA, but we can.

Should I, with my white privilege and safe, comfortable lifestyle, continue on in pain as some form of punishment to myself for having created an existence in which I no longer suffer? What form of conundrum is this, that I have survived my upbringing, my rapists, my family, my abusers and myself, and yet I feel I do not deserve to live a life free of suffering? I could very easily have blamed the world for my problems. I could have justified the fact that others have done things to me and taken on the full role of a victim. I never asked for these things to happen to me, I didn’t deserve them. Who could have blamed me, if I had continued to suffer?


Yellow RoseHow many of us look at the homeless junkie on the street and see someone who has been hurt? How many of us look at the terrorist that killed 50 people and think that “Poor thing, he must have really suffered in his life”? Who does not judge him for believing in his cause as much as I believe in mine? If he can believe in a cause of pure hate then I can believe in a rose~coloured cause of a Love more pure than any Earth has to offer.

Suffering is relative. Who has suffered more, the boy who was beaten by his father once and committed suicide afterwards, or the boy who was beaten for eighteen years by his father and, with head held high, continued to live? The wealthy white man living on a Caribbean beach who wishes he was dead every day of his life, or the destitute black boy on the dangerous streets of Detroit that decides not to join a gang and goes to college instead? How can any of us look at another human, an entirely different universe than our own, and claim to know the weight of their suffering?

Racism is one way that people suffer, but is there more racism than there is starvation? Is there more starvation than abuse? Is there more abuse than their is war? Privilege denies pain, it says that one person has a life that’s easier than another. We are all here learning lessons from all walks of life. To claim that one person has privilege over another is to say that only certain kinds of suffering are relevant. It only perpetuates suffering and spreads ill will. Instead of pointing fingers we should all point to ourselves. As Tom Shadyac’s beautiful documentary says: “What is the cause of suffering in the world? Who is to blame and what is the cure?

I AM.”

It doesn’t begin by forgiving, I begins by learning to love yourself. The forgiving comes afterwards. In my personal universe, first I had to realize that none of what people made me believe about myself was true. Rape makes one feel worthless. Abuse makes one feel they deserve it. This belief in what has been taught hangs on much longer than we even realize. It, more than the abuse that was suffered, affects every waking moment of our lives. It causes us to have mental and physical ailments. It causes us to kill ourselves with thoughts (depression) as well as poisons (drugs/alcohol, etc) as, inside, we attempt to carry out the death sentence that we believe we deserve.

Once I realized that nothing I had been taught about myself was true, I was then free to re~discover exactly who and what I am, someone that I had never really known but had been told was bad. The more I made peace with myself the more peaceful the world became around me. Slowly I stopped being abused. I stopped abusing myself. I stopped being around people that hurt me. My world kept changing and changing with every new change inside me.

White RoseSome of us feel that, to remove ourselves from suffering, we must be removed from the world for a time. As we feel better and better we hide from anything that may cause us to feel bad again. We begin to believe that the rose~coloured universe is where we belong; that suffering is for those “out there”, and that if we stay “in here” we won’t be hurt again.

However, once suffering has breathed its last breath inside us we start looking at the world “out there” and realizing that we can actually help ease the suffering of others. We no longer want to stay hidden away from pain because we’re no longer afraid of it, because it has no power over us anymore.

Slowly but surely the outside world began to reflect what was on the inside. One day I looked around and realized that all the bad things that were happening to others weren’t happening to me, from the largest thing to the smallest thing. But I saw the suffering around me all over the world, and my heart broke because I remembered what it was like to be them. Americans suffer less than anyone, and we are hated most because we are largely governed by the inability to comprehend the suffering of others. I am both lucky and sad to be an American, because here are hearts that encompass everyone, and here are hearts that reject everyone. It would take much suffering for this country to remember its Oneness with the human family.

And yet I cannot change America, I can only change myself. From this place of non~suffering I see people reaching for what I have found. I share my maps with them, and my hope. I can say that I have suffered and come out the other side. I can only love others, hold their hand and listen to them when they need to talk.

Love is all we were given for our journey here, and everything that awaits us when we go.


“A man is the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes.”
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~ Gandhi (India)

“He who conquers others is strong; He who conquers himself is mighty.”
“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.” ~Lao Tsu (China)

“Det är som mörkast innan gryningen” {It’s always darkest before the dawn} (Swedish Proverb)

“Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable. … Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.” ~M.L. King Jr. (America)

“Nothing is more active than thought, for it travels over the universe, and nothing is stronger than necessity for all must submit to it.” ~Thales (Greece)

“Beyond right and wrong there is a field. I will meet you there.”
“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” ~Rumi (Persia)

“All action results from thoughts, so it is thoughts that matter.”
“Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process.” ~Sai Baba (India)

“Du skal kravle, før du can gå” {You must crawl before you can walk} (Norse Proverb)

“More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.”
“Our body has this defect that, the more it is provided care and comforts, the more needs and desires it finds.” ~ St. Teresa of Avila (Spain)

“In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.”
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama (Tibet)

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” ~Buddha (India)

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” ~Jesus (Israel)

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.”
“Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.” ~Mother Teresa (Albania)

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
“If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points in the other and correct them in myself.” ~Confucius (China)




I’ve seen what’s Next. For each it is a different experience; a single song that, when played, speaks in a unique language tailor-made for the listener, each instrument carefully chosen to create a distinct idea of the perfect melody. The design of the music is a movement in ebb and flow, waving to the request of our greatest subconscious desires, each note placed precisely where it can be of most benefit. Therefore, it cannot be said that I have seen the Next, rather, I have seen MY Next.

No two are alike yet there is a shared beat, the heart that keeps all life alive. This beat is woven within every song, a common thread that can be proven as, perhaps, the only ultimate truth: love. Lack of love causes living things to die physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Energy is the single acting force of eternity, and the current that energy is carried on is love. The source of all energy emanates a wave of love that flows out from it and returns to it from us. Every experience we have, every action we take, every choice we make is in search of love. There is no judgment, no repentance, no hell in my Foreversong, for all is of the source and one with it, and nothing that is of it is not of love.

In 2005 I was 31 years old, depressive and lost in the dark. That year I spent three days deathly ill with stomach flu completely unconscious in bed. The fourth day I woke and was better, but before I spoke one word to anyone I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down a dream. In the dream I went into the rainforests of a beautiful country, sliding down a water slide with many others to a white beach, but when I got to the beach I was alone. A man met me there, welcoming me with a nod. He was dark and native with shells around his neck. I walked past rice patties and took a path that ended at a green rainwater lake surrounded by weeping willows.

In the middle and to the right of the lake there stood four huts on stilts and, to the right of them, a grey American-style house. In the dream I swam out to the house and shimmied up one of the poles onto the bamboo dock. A white man came out to greet me. When I questioned him about the small huts on stilts he told me I was not ready to go to them. From where I stood I could see that they were made of jade; four smooth jade doorways leading into darkness on each side. Four doors each side, sixteen doors each hut, sixty-four doors in all. I knew that it was a place I should return to.

A week later my sister brought me a box of books. One of them was entitled “Eckankar: The Key To Secret Worlds” by Paul Twitchell. Normally I would have thrown anything that mentioned God in the trash, but its explanation of man as responsible for his own suffering released me of my need to bear the pain of the world. I still cringed when the word God appeared, but Sugmad, the ancient Chinese word for god, was so much a more detached, less judgmental god than the one I had rejected, so I read on. Eckankar is the ancient Tibetan belief that soul travel is the direct way to the original Source; the Light And Sound That Is All Life. To leave one’s physical body and bask in the Light and Sound is to know the purest love, that which Sugmad is and nothing more. Eckankar means “co-worker of God”, and the book spoke of ancient masters who had crossed over and were waiting to assist us to the higher planes.

One day in November, in a depressive and desperate state I did the meditative ritual prescribed by the book and sure enough–and much to my surprise–I met my first ancient master. His name is DapRen. This year marks my tenth year as acolyte under his tutelage. At first meeting I decided that I had gone insane as my mother before me. Because she believed the voice inside herself which often proved to be malevolent, I could not trust myself enough to believe that he was real, yet I returned to him again and again because of the pure, fatherly love that he shared with me.

At first he took me to the moon. I would sit on the moon and cry because the weight of my life on Earth was a small dot in the distance and being removed from it caused me to abhor the thought of returning. He would smile and hug me often, and listen silently. His patience is infinite. He rarely spoke, and when he did it was a word or a sentence, the loving truth of the matter. On the moon I learned that I had a place to go away from the pain of man, a place where I could get some distance between me and suffering and view it from an elevated point. I began to find lessons everywhere, in everything, and often small incidents would further the lessons he taught me. Soon I realized that his was the professor’s lectured accompaniment to the next chapter of the book of life. He would teach me something and then life would show me what he meant, and it was to me to solve the puzzle. It was hard to stay depressed when I was so busy with mysterious and amazing puzzles.

Slowly his complete acceptance and unwavering love caused me to accept and love myself. The more I loved myself the more my need for depression and drugs withdrew. Even unhealthy foods began to have adverse effects on my body. Everything I am is now in a constant state of purification, and purification is the reason for the challenge of living as a physical being on Earth.

One day I was shocked when DapRen took me to the huts on stilts in the middle of the rainwater lake, what I now refer to as the 64 Doors. He told me to work on opening them one by one. When I asked why he said “Because you can.” The Doors have a multi-purpose, not only to provide help when I need it but also to teach me how to exist in the higher planes. Each Door is a puzzle whose homework is life. Each Door presents me with a problem. The problem is then presented in my waking life, just as the lessons given by the master. As I solve the puzzle in physical form I solve it also at the Doors. I have currently opened eight and have yet to begin the ninth. Doors lead to physical and mental healing, as well as knowledge and growth. The Third Door brought me to the physical equivalent of myself on the Earthly plane. Humans call us ‘twin flames’, two halves of the same soul, a union of complete acceptance, cooperation and spiritual awakening. To know the perfect love in this life is rare, it is the answer to all questions and an end of yearning.

Yet, in all this that I have told, not one experience was that of actual soul travel. Because of my lackadaisical attitude towards meditation, any exploration I have ever done has been with the Tibetan ‘mental technique’, which is the projection of one facet of self without an actual, physical projection. I have left my body twice, both times with the help of a specific combination of sativa and sacred psilocybin, and it was through the second of these two experiences that I came face to face with Sugmad and the bigger picture.

  1. I took the journey alone and with a Rumi poem put to music which caused me to pulse with the beat, yet it was not I who pulsated but the ectoplasmic webbing that I had become. My body no longer existed. I was everything all at once. I crawled my tiny conscience through the webbing to different people and animals in my neighborhood, tasting their emotions and understanding the Oneness of all things. Suddenly the music became waves of colour, more colours than I knew existed, and they floated the webbing up into the sky, each wave a pure ecstasy to every pore, and I became one with this plateau of sunset clouds that stretched on forever. As the music swelled I tasted pure love like a nectar that banished all un~truth within me. I reached out with my tiny little me~ness and cried “Thank You”, all I could think to say to express the incredible joy and beauty I had been shown. I had a vision of each human on Earth searching for that love, suffering many mortal lives gladly if it meant tasting that love once more.

Last year I took a second journey out of body with the help of sativa and a psilocybin named Golden Teachers. My soul hurtled out of my body and through the cosmos, stopping at what felt like a barrier that kept me from moving forward. Everything I knew myself to be was spoken to me in my own voice. “’I’ am a woman, a mother, a metalhead. ‘I’ am this, ‘I’ am that.” The more I heard myself speak out all that I thought I was, the more I realized that it was all illusory. I saw every single thing I believe and knew it to be false. At one point I came to the utter hells of myself, all the things about me that an organized religion’s god might judge in the end days…but it was I who was the judge. Just when I thought I might go insane I realized that none of it was who I truly was inside. I accepted myself and all aspects of ‘me’ and crossed the border between all I thought I was into what I Am.

An infinite space stretched out before me with near~invisible waves emanating from some behemoth to the right of my vision. I had no body, I was only a tiny speck of consciousness. The weight of the alien nature of my surroundings was intense. A sound emanated from the waves that passed through me with a vibration, a powerful and indescribable hum that caused every pore to be in a constant state of liquid ecstasy. As with my previous experience the pure essence of love washed over me in waves of sound and colour.

The behemoth to the right of my spot in space was a god, rather the first of gods in the first of heavens. Everything is a wave that repeats itself from microcosm to macrocosm, a mirror image on whatever level the soul is working. The closest description of the form It chose is a sea anemone, if It could be called that. It was so massive that I could only really see a part of the left half of It, glistening like Earth from space at night with multi~points of light, like living glitter. It had infinite and infinitely~coloured tendrils that stretched out from It. Each ended at a globe, if you will, a sphere inside which a nameless number of worlds existed, each with their own life forms and experiences. Countless dimensions/planes/worlds inside countless spheres on countless tendrils of God, and It was in the act of experiencing all of them at once. I saw that nothing that anyone does can be ‘good’ or ‘bad’, because God is only love, living out each action we take to move closer to It. It is everything and everything a part of It, like the glass of a mirror that shatters itself in order to gain the experience of returning all pieces back to itself again. I floated at the base of all I could see until I was taken up through the tendrils and their spheres of infinite universes and into Sugmad and was one with It.

The silence that existed there…the pulsing, glistening silence of experiencing everything at once is all there is, was profound to say the least. In my Foreversong God is not looking down in anger or disappointment, It’s not making plans to thwart the evil force, not doing its homework to decide who’s worthy or guilty. God is sitting quietly on the Eternal Couch, watching countless movies all at once, the very movies we are making every second of our lives. More than that, God is living each life with the liver, literally looking through our eyes as we go about making the choices of our experience. When we make a choice that impedes the progression of ourselves or others we are moving away from It. When we make a choice that allows the progression of ourselves and others we are moving back to It.

God allowed me to feel what being It felt like, and inside It I lived every life in existence, infinitely. My small human mind is not big enough to have kept all those lives inside me but they, as a whole, introduced me to the biggest picture: that everything truly is okay. I acknowledged then that even if I forgot everything I had learned in that space it would still all be okay, and that a basic seed had been planted inside of me that could never be lost again.

It changed everything, but this experience has not made me holy. When we return to our bodies we are human again, subject to lessons and laws that physical things must experience. Do I still judge people? Yes, though not as vehemently as before, because now I know that people simply don’t remember what’s waiting, and that even in their unknowing they are moving. It’s a constant cycle of sleeping and waking. It is the way of man in our search for wholeness. Even in our judgment and hate and horror we are searching for love.

Joy can be ours in this life and heaven can be found in the here and now. We need not wait for death to find it. When I am who I Am, I am experience, which is arguably the reason for all existence. When I am who I Am, I am okay and you are okay, and we are all each other and the sum of us is It. As above, so below.

I don’t cry anymore when I sit on the moon, I look at Earth and see it as one bus stop of many. Of what I have seen in the ethereal realms of non-endingness, being physical is unique. I am a mirror image of the Source of energy from whence I emerged, choosing a physical experience as a means of finding myself…again.