When Things Fall Apart


~*in the wordless chamber*~
they feared death
thus they clustered to the fruits of the earth
craving diversion
as if to avoid knowing why

in the wordless chamber
they feared life
thus they proclaimed any given truth
and swallowed
as if to justify their fear

he knew that there had been hordes of seers
before him
who set out to cure
though, the sick wished not to part with
their decease
as if it made them feel

in the wordless chamber
he accepted desperation
and the unpredictable manifestations
of hope


The belief that we each orchestrate the entirity of our experience on planet Earth is still a very controversial one. It’s not hard to understand why. As children, most of us grew up hearing adults talk about cause and effect as something out of our control. As adults it seemed completely natural to point fingers at the cause of whatever negative effect we are [seemingly] subject to. Few of us were raised knowing that each new “problem” is one we’ve orchestrated for ourselves, a tap on the shoulder pointing to what current lesson needs learned. This is key when attempting to continuously incarnate into the weightless joy~state that is natural to the soul.

We’ve forgotten how to use our brains in the way they were meant to be used: as powerful tools that shape matter into forms. We are composers, using many instruments to bring our songs to life. Our judgments and opinions of this world hinder us from seeing what is real: that every instrument in the orchestra is required, “good” and “bad” alike. Much of the time we don’t even realize we have created opinions about something until our body and/or emotions react, as indicators that we have moved out of the natural state of relaxed, thoughtless observation we experience when we feel that all is right with the world.

Our greatest moments and most unique gifts all spawn when we are in this state. We have been so addicted to thought for so long that we have forgotten that we were meant to use thoughts as an instrument, instead of being an instrument of thought. I am no exception.ParavsSympa

Biologically, our parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are meant to be at a balance. The parasympathetic system is that part that releases calming neurotransmitter agents. It is the state that we are supposed to exist within most often. The sympathetic nervous system releases adrenaline~based agents, which were meant for singular situations that arise in our lives, those “fight or flight” moments. For countless years, modern~world humans have been existing in the adrenal states most often, our bodies receiving constant fight or flight alerts due to the stress we have become accustomed to creating in our lives. At this stage we see ourselves as helpless victims and blame our own, created situations or other humans for our unhappiness.

The concept that drew me to Tibetan practice and the Ancient Teachings of Masters (ATOM) was that of laying down our entanglements with others to take up the mantle of self~advancement. As an empath, I was very drawn to the assurance that I could relinquish the need to bear the burden of each human’s grief upon my shoulders. There is a certain and promised freedom in laying down the chains you bind your world with. By chains I mean the categories we put people in, blame we lay on others and the anger that is the outcome of not accepting responsibility for what has happened and is happening to us as exactly what we ordered.

~*The I left behind

The ever~fading I of the moment

The I shifting and bending into the horizon of the unknown*~  ~~Starofash

Once we comprehend that we are the composers of our lives, we wax and wane in that knowledge. Sometimes we fall asleep again only to find that we have succumbed to negativity as ego takes control of thought and directs the symphony. Things began to fall apart in our daily lives and we suffer from poverty and pain. It starts off small (though not always) and gradually gets worse and worse until we are left wondering if we can take any more. It is most often once things have become difficult when we remember that it’s all just another composition, with a single instrument off key: ourselves.


That’s what I am learning right now. Today marks the seventh day of yet another debilitating illness. Severe and unexplained stomach cramps have kept me bedridden and doubled over. Doctors cannnot help me. I’ve finally stopped feeling like a failure every time this happens, but it is hard to be patient with myself when the bills are piling up and I’m off work, unsure why I’ve chosen this particular path for myself.

Life Lesson: Profoundly unhappy people enter your life when you’re most in need of learning the lesson of acceptance.

I’ve had a lot of time to think, and have been retracing this sudden bout of ailments back to a particular job I did a couple of weeks ago. I work inside client’s homes for a living. Sometimes I end up spending a great deal of time with the homeowner. My initial conversation with this stay~at~home mother of four caused me to feel at ease. She told me that her own mother was “crazy” but that she had broken the cycle of abuse and created something new for herself and her children. Being a paradigm~change ParadigmChangeenthusiast I replied “Cool! So have I!” But it soon became obvious that she hadn’t come out as unscathed as she believed.

Observing her interactions with her children was like watching a live enactment of my own, painful beginnings. By the end of the second day I had a panic attack, a thing that has not happened to me in decades. Previously~unremembered memories began surfacing. My first instinct was to leave and not come back, but I was contracted to be there for several weeks. Knowing that this woman was a homework assignment I had chosen for myself didn’t keep me from having to do the homework.

I began piling my feelings about my mother onto this woman and could not see beyond them. Because I could tell that we’d been through something very similar yet I alone had come out awake, I internally made her into the criminal and I played the hero, even as I decided I should make peace with her.


From stainedglassbypjs@wordpress.com

When we craft an act of life for ourselves to play we pick our own part, and the other actors perfectly, complete with every nuance of our design. Over the main course of my time with this woman I felt as if I’d made peace with her (and, essentially, my past), but looking back I was reflecting false pride and pity. It was in her nature to reject sympathy and any motions of friendship, thus my resolve fractured.

~*Absorbed in itself all the way down to the ever hushed cry*~ ~~Peccatum

I lost consciousness as a loathing grew inside me towards this woman. I felt “subject” to her constant negative chatter day after day; blaming the world for problems she created herself, taking her anger and resentment out on her family. I pushed against every word that came out of her mouth. My own words to her sounded kind but my heart was lashing out. I became angry at my own mother all over again, then my grandmother for ruining the lives of her children.

Human action can be a poison that, when unchallenged, infects each new generation that it comes into contact with. As well, human action can be the cure, but even with the best Chinua Achebeintentions no positive change will be made if we believe the story we are telling ourselves about the situation.

That’s the hard part about this journey, that we are blind to our true desires and intentions. Had I been able to stay still and silent inside myself, an empty vessel filling with the light of the Beyond, I could have reflected with understanding and deeply touched her. It was compassion that I Thichnhset out to accomplish, but because my basis for action was negative I did little more than simultaneously feed her ego and cause her to dislike me.

Sometimes we simply cannot do it right, too many wounds within us have gone unhealed. If we can’t then we can’t. Nothing can fill us with a joy we don’t have space for. But we must then be prepared to suffer the consequences of our inability. We must allow ourselves to be human.

Over weeks, the anger continued to spread to the rest of my life. I began to draw others to me which caused me to be angry; a friend’s new girlfriend that I don’t like, an old acquaintance at odds with everyone around her. Soon I was not able to sleep for negative thoughts, and waking in the morning in a unnameable state of panic. I found myself complaining about people and being very negative. I can guess I was acting in the very way that I was blaming others for behaving [aah thought, deceiver of the very mirror before me!]. The more my mood spiraled the sicker and sicker I got. Now here I am, bedridden, in pain and forced to watch my love ones worry over me and tend to my needs…and I’ve done it all to myself.

So what is left, once things have fallen apart? What can we do? It is our first instinct to feel sorry for ourselves, to worry, to suffer. This does not have to be the case. We have the choice to either continue to fall apart or to surrender. When things get tough I don’t want to let go of the song I’m composing, but when things get serious I find I have little other choice than surrender to the real tale. The facts do not matter; whose fault it was, what was done wrong. I’m just starting to understand this concept.
Whatever the reason, the solution to the problem is the same. 
This situation is as I have created it. Until I have learned whatever lesson I was meant to learn — at least enough to create a different scenario for myself –I will continue to experience in this way. 

If there is no purpose for pain then the purpose of living in a pain~filled, physical reality is void. Being that I do not believe in a pointless existence I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that this moment is a smaller piece of some bigger puzzle that I am putting together for myself. Therefore, I must trust that everything will turn out okay. A quick recall of past, more intense lessons shows that, indeed, everything has been for a reason, nothing left out. Why would the future be any different?

And what of the fact that there is no future? This moment, for better or for worse, is all that I have. So I say to myself:

“I allow this moment to be exactly what/as it is. I accept it, just as it is. I have created this for myself and it is okay; every part, even the pain and frustration.”If I do not believe these words they will produce no positive results. If that is the case, I must accept that as well. When I choose to surrender everything that I was fighting against I lay down my weapons, my beliefs and excuses and validations and say “I am done.”Tired

There is a difference between surrender and resignation. The image above is resignation, a clear signpost pointing towards a chance for surrender. When things seem to fall apart it is an open invitation to begin again! When everything is wrong, when failure is looming just over the next horizon all we must do is let go of our worries, our fears, our expectations and our fortune~teller tendencies and simply…..aaaaaahhhhhhhhh…. breathe it all out.

Let go. Give up. I don’t pray for myself because I believe that everything is happening just as it should. In my tradition I give it to the master. That’s what “grace” is — something, anything, bigger than you, anything which lifts your burden when your feet are too tired. You don’t have to believe in any god or religion to gain grace. You can surrender your worries and fears to the sky if you wish. Just…don’t hold on to them anymore yourself, say “This is bigger than me.” and let it go.

Once I allow myself to surrender the mood changes, my physical self relaxes, my mind ceases to war inside my skull. It reminds me of that moment in black~and~white movies when the man grabs the woman and she struggles against him dramatically before falling into his Breakingarms for the kiss she really wanted. We, each of us play hard~to~get with joy and surrender, and we don’t skip any steps because we can’t. We must break and crack in the process of shedding the many, weighty layers of belief holding us to the ground before the weightless being of light can fly free.

I’ve managed to mess everything in my life up right now. I’m not happy about it, but I’m no longer angry anymore. This is just a wave, one wave of many. It passes and returns to joy. It comes, it goes, waxes, wanes. All was made right again in some moment in my future when I surrendered.

Surrender feels light, like walking into mist. It can feel really bad to relinquish that Intothemistamount of control once you’re deep in. Especially when I’m in severe pain, the fear is that things will always be this way and that I have no control to change them unless I think my way out of them. But as I take a step into thoughtlessness I find I can see just enough ground beneath me to take another.

This thing that we are is an empty vessel in a constant state of revision. We are the vessel Clay Potand the potter that crafts it, moulding and remoulding our perception of the world based on our current state of thought. We begin weighted, as clay; heavy and made of the soil on which we stand. We don’t require a form yet we build walls with our opinions, our judgments, our beliefs. What meanings we place on certain events and situations and people cause us to react accordingly, colouring us and the world around us.Glass

The thinner our walls the more we are worth to others. With work our grains are rounded, with fire they meld. We become like blown glass, filled by breath and light as a feather, beautiful in our translucence. I must honour every step in the process of refining my grains, thinning my walls, gaining clarity, an ever~finer version of myself on this quest for weightlessness.

This is that process. In our starlit, love~scene minds we imagine that it’s a beautifully tragic process, all done with grace and wisdom. But it’s not like that, it’s this, kicking and screaming, refusing to let go. It should be honoured, every part. I cannot be anything but what I am in this moment unless I believe that I should change. If I cannot change, I shall honour that part of me as well. It’s how we learn.

How will I create anything new of myself until I discover all that I do not desire to be?

Android Jones

“Creativity coming through from formlessness” by Android Jones

Apocalypse, Emergent

Doomsday - Andree Wallin


A thick, poisoned stillness settles over the evening ruins. Lights of the few survivor’s fires gleam from shattered windows like gold coins from between sewer grates. Fear has replaced advancement in the minds of men; for all we thought we would accomplish, our success was rewarded accordingly.

Who survived? Was it the ones that were the most prepared or does chance play its hand in The End? As a child raised in an Armageddon~cult~of~one, thinking that Death’s shroud could cover the world at any moment, I have grown up terrified of being one of those left alive when that elusive End finally came. The Cold War raised me as well, the possibility of surviving a nuclear winter a familiar fear for a new generation.

My siblings and I grew up with a survivalist state of mind. That doesn’t mean we’re prepared for an apocalypse scenario by any means, but we’ve thought about and feared the possibilities most of our lives, along with most humans on the planet.

Every generation fears that it is the last. Religions preach that we’re living in the last days and have driven this message forth every generation for hundreds (possibly thousands) of years. When we look at the grim details of the daily news and the rising troubles of the world we tend to think that the end may, in fact, be sooner than later.


apocalypse_reworked_by_the_strynx-d3c59f9 deviant art

With this post I set out to write about mankind’s obsession with catastrophe, intending to bring us together and soothe our fears. Once the post was written, called The Irrelevant Apocalypse, I thought that was what I had done. Later that day I realized that my words had only mirrored my own anger in the guise of innocence and sisterhood.

For my lack of fear in the face of possible annihilation, people close to me feel that I am out of touch with current events, ignorant to the state of degradation that the Earth has committed itself to. As described above my family consists of those that sleep with one eye open, whole~heartedly agreeing that the world is going down the tubes. Some believe that Armageddon is at our very doorstep in the form of financial collapse, and experts share those fears. I cannot say that they are wrong, simply that how I look at the facts is different.

My personal journey has been to learn to see the perfection in everything, to see suffering as a tool that we use in order to experience all events and emotions. On comprehending the infinite nature of the eternity before us, possible outcomes that before seemed terrifying become one drop in the universal bucket of water. We have guardians and teachers we don’t realize are beside us. We have gifts that are not visible on the outside, strengths that emerge in times of hardest trials. We have abilities that, when honed, can alter the very physics of the world around us, but these abilities can emerge without honing in times of need. We are not taught these innate survivalist skills in school, and over centuries they have become lost to us, deemed unrealistic, taboo and fantastical.

Most people are so adamant about all that is wrong with the world, and are quick to attack anyone who sees things differently. I can certainly understand how preposterous any positive concept of suffering may seem given the current age. As a youngling in the spirit world, everyone’s attempts to share their fear with me has caused me to become frustrated. This fact was painfully obvious in The Irrelevant Universe. The cure for fear is oneness, togetherness, not trying to be right or pushing against. It was my ego that wrote the previous version of this tale, later a slap in the face when returning to its message in my mind. I couldn’t wait to get home and delete it, and when I finally did get online that evening the site wasn’t working. I saw that one person had read it and was horrified (sorry, whoever you were. Hope it didn’t run you off.)

What I meant to say was that we don’t have to fear Armageddon or the Apocalypse. We don’t have to spend our lives biting nails in wait for The End to arrive and worrying because we are not prepared. If our current comfortable way of life does end we will do what we will do, and only those of us who are schooled in the art of survival can imagine what that will look like.

I am not among them. I would suffer the fate of most people in the world. I would be frightened, but I would set out with the intention of weathering the storm by giving of myself as needs arise. I want to be prepared to act with all the grace I can muster, and I’m sure that wouldn’t be much. Realistically, lessons are lessons, and a catastrophic lesson is one much harder than the rest, but the outcome is the same: emerging from the illusions that we’ve built as walls of a fortress we have become blinded behind. If we can keep that in mind whatever our experience, we can remain as present with ourselves and others as possible.

“Rome will fall,” is a time~tested, iconic quote that most people have heard at least once in their lives. Much of the world could name which countries they feel should fall, and my America is no doubt almost unanimously at the top of this list. I, myself, have feared for my country for its cocksure attitude and often naive opinions concerning the true state of world affairs, as material gain and technological addiction take the forefront where personal growth and acknowledgment of our human family should be. However, large~scale economic collapse has historically affected the entire world, not just one country. If this country falls many others will fall as well. No one wants that to happen.

It has become our way as a majority to fight against current events without any solution in mind, or to believe that one solution trumps another and that whatever solutions is ours is the best. Speaking of trumps, I am the least politically~minded person you will meet, yet even I am outspoken recently against the madmen who attempt to take over this country. The few are judged by the actions of the many, and I can understand the outrage that spreads across the globe while considering the catastrophic possible outcomes of coming elections. Yet, I have no idea how to solve this crisis. I can only observe, vote and hope that the world keeps in mind that we are not all like those who wish to speak for us.

Still, it is too easy to be a Republican anti~Democrat or a Baptist anti~Muslim. We have come to believe that if we like chocolate we should hate vanilla. As well, it is easy to turn on the local news and forget that the media makes it a point to lure us in accordingly, especially in America. Bad_News_appliedneuroscienceblogMy mother often tells a story about sitting around a table at an international center with people from Iran, China, Japan and others, being told that our news tells nothing of the truths that exist in the world, that we only see what they want us to. “How can your country not know what is going on in the world?” one woman asked her. She couldn’t answer. No human knows the true scope of the extent to which we are kept blind.

We have become addicted to the dissent and are quick to take sides in order to place blame. It’s what we want when we turn on the TV at night, even as we are shocked by what we see there. If we weren’t we wouldn’t watch. We buy in to our own destruction, our own bad health and our many frivolous misuses of money, yet are outraged by the rise in terrorist attacks, cancer and the lack of money to feed the hungry. We buy in to every fad and fashion in attempts to divert ourselves from the tragedy around us, to make ourselves feel better about living in times such as these.


Dr. William Larkin of the Applied Neuroscience Institute describes it as a “learned non-use of positive thought”.

Daily reports of the economy become our measures for hopelessness.  The power of negativity and negative emotion can teach us “not to use” or “non-use” positive emotions.  We forget to go there.  We forget about positive emotions. Watch enough reality TV, news programs, the continual CNN loop, or most of television in general, and you can forget to feel joy or love or peace.

This type of thinking is the very mouthpiece bringing our tale as human beings to a close. It’s what is drawing any and every possible scenario closer and closer to us. By consistently pointing out the wrongs of the world we are actually ushering in the very apocalypse we fear the most. None of us have what it takes to stop Isis or cure world hunger alone, but by posting social media blogs that point out every new negative occurrence in the world and complaining about the government doing nothing is to reach out to others who share negativity.

Neither should we sit and say nothing when atrocities occur. By making others aware of what is happening and what they can do to help, we are calling on our fellow positively~motivated sister and brothers to pay attention and to do what they can to heal the situation, even if it is in prayer or simply positive focus. When our hearts cry out with love and sympathy or even rage for the suffering of others it is known as compassion. There is a vast difference, yet a fine line, between complaint and causing world awareness. Positive and negative thought on a world scale literally change the world state for the better or worse.


Marilyn Schlitz, VP of Research for the Institute of Noetic Sciences and Senior Scientist at the Research Institute for the California Pacific Medical Center has published some 200 consciousness studies on the power of thought and its effects on suffering.

There are various ways of responding to the unprecedented convergence we now experience. One is conflict; we need only turn on our radios to see how widespread this response is at a global level. Another response is co-option, where one tradition—typically the Western technological, scientifically based rationalist model—overpowers indigenous wisdom, often in very covert ways. A third response takes the form of creativity: As differences come together, we have the opportunity to birth new ideas and new ways of being together as a collective humanity.

Dr. Schlitz does double~blind studies of research on those with cancer and AIDS, showing concrete evidence that, whatever the affiliation or denomination, prayer and meditation literally alter sickness for the better. If we can reverse cancer with positive thought towards our human family, what can we destroy on a global scale with constant negativity towards them?

I have grown up without television and newspaper, but these days I don’t have to have either to hear about all that is wrong in the world. The state of the planet has only ever progressed “downhill”, as any elder is quick to tell you. Advancements in technology make others suffering more accessible to all and so it is more visible than ever.

What is happening now is more of the same, a larger scale due to a larger population. There are more evil~doers in the world because there are more people. But there are also more people that want to do good than ever before, as well as more resources and advancements that cause us to be able to reach a larger number of those who need help. The news does not report these stories as much, and though most people consider this common knowledge, the inundation of media into everyday society causes us to lose sight of just how mislead we are.

Just because television shows only bad news does not mean that there is only bad news out there. Look at your own life, Reality_thattechchickmake your own decisions. Do you know firsthand what’s going on in other countries or do you depend on the news to tell you? In the Sudan, a woman can still be raped in the road and no one says a word, but history shows that this used to be a common occurrence everywhere. In downtown, thriving Budapest, rich executive women use their expensive high heels to kick starving, homeless children in the stomach while cursing at them. History shows that most children worked like adults in factories and on farms (and many died because of the work) not two hundred years ago.

We rely on experts to tell us these things, yet a sad truth is that we can no longer trust experts to give us an unbiased view. Global warming, economic collapse, overpopulation, we hear horror stories every day and are quick to form Overpopulation Worldopinions and take sides against one another, but can any one of us turn back the clock and reverse the process enough to make a difference?

Some studies suggest that overpopulation is just one more point of panic, that the Earth would be able to sustain us if not for our misuse of it. Whatever the case, there is less land and natural resources, less money to house and feed us, less jobs to give us hope. We have under~educated our children on how to be good to the Earth and now we are all complaining about the outcome of our mistakes and looking for someone to blame.


dubai_ruins_by_jonasdero-d1x0g24 deviant art

By our actions, this is the future we have all asked for. It’s the future we are all asking for every day as we fret and worry about the state of the world and our helplessness to avoid catastrophe. We are young souls, ignorant and selfish, drawing on our inherent childlike nature in all the wrong ways. In attempting to satiate ourselves and remove ourselves from suffering we have put ourselves directly in the line of fire.

Everything that we suffer has all been for a good cause, to make ourselves feel good, to nurture that which has been neglected. Every terrorist act, every murder is done with a genuine and unconscious desire to take actions that will result in feeling better inside, a warped view of protecting ourselves or others that has become twisted and unrecognisable in the violence and bloodshed.

Whatever is to come, it will be like iron in the fires of igneous change, melting those who resist it and refining those who wish to learn its lesson. I do not believe that, were Armageddon to come at last, those who ended their own lives would be wrong. Nor do I feel that those who survived at all costs wouldn’t wish they were dead every waking moment of such a hellish existence. Until that moment comes, there is no point in worrying one moment about it. What will be will be. We will do the best we can.

I own the movie The Road, and I make it a point to watch it at least once a year. It is the fate I fear the most, to be starving and alone, forced to stay on the move and to trust no one. I watch it not to be scared by it but to honour those billions around the world who have already experienced catastrophe. There are so many whose entire way of life ended, and once the hype died down the media moved on to the next top story as they continued to suffer.  The people of this planet experience Armageddon over and over again. Lives are torn apart and sewn back together, too many to name, each equally devastating to those who survived it. The world doesn’t have to end for people to lose everyone they’ve ever loved and everything they’ve ever had.


This image is what looms in our minds when we think of an apocalypse. Humans tend to perceive that nothing can be won without death and destruction. Because we see war and violence as the root of change, war and violence will be what we draw down upon us if the majority becomes convinced that change is what we need. Now that we have all asked for such a fate we may as well accept responsibility for it.  What can we do to accept responsibility?

disastersLive in the present moment. Reach out to those in need around us and do what we can to help them. For a future full of peril and fear remaining steady we will weather whatever storm in the very best possible manner. To live in the fear of unknown possible outcomes is to add to the destruction. To lose all hope, become hysteric and panic is to advance the hysteria and panic of those around us. If we are partdisaster5 of the solution instead of the problem we will lessen the suffering of those around us. Anyone who lives a life of service will tell you that helping others is to help ourselves.

disasters1If The End were to occur tomorrow, it would be lunacy to suggest that we could somehow not feel fear. I, myself, would be scared to death. I would worry, I would not sleep. None of us would. Many of us would die, and most of those horribly. But it is possible to do our best to participate in the solution, however afraid we are while we are doing so. It is possible to die knowing disaster7that you did everything that you could to ease the suffering of those around you. I’ll save the worry for when that time comes; for now, I won’t waste one minute on trying to imagine what could happen. After all, the future does not exist, nor does the past. We only have this moment, and how we choose to spend it does have consequences on not only us but those around us.

Stay in tune with the needs of the world. Rise up against injustice, make whatever difference is in your heart to make. But base your uprisings on love, not fear. Fear is no companion for such times. It has a powerful ability to destroy, while love has a powerful ability to create that which did not exist before. Love can heal.

Thurman AliveIt would be best to grow and can your own food, to learn to hunt. It would be best to stock up on supplies, to hoard water or even ammunition. But few of us will accomplish these things, and for this majority of grossly unprepared people, the greatest practice that can be done is learning to still your sails in the storm.

If you don’t have money to stock up on supplies, stock up instead on inner peace and silence. Run survivalist drills of living in the moment. It’s more than just a practice of being clear enough to tend to the needs of others, being calm in the storm can cause miracles to happen to you. Events can work in your favour in ways that you cannot even imagine. Ways are made that would be shut to the panicked crowd, opportunities to survive available even with death all around. Within faith lies the power to defy all odds. By worrying we are literally assuring that none of those miracles will happen to us. We are keeping the very help we desire on the other side of the door.

The world will be what it is. It will shake and break and blister in the fires of change. Let us not cry, cringe and cower before it but stand strong, holding out our hands for anyone who wishes to walk the way together.

Oakenshield Fires

Fire Bukowski

Fire and Rain

Einstein Compassion

Traubel Fire

Associated Links:


The Learned Non-Use Of Positive Emotion

Diverging the Great Divisionary: The Religious Experience


All spiritual seekers sooner or later come to the fabled gate of the religious experience, emerging from a higher realm having experienced the “Oneness Of All Things”. Time and time again people account having ‘returned’ from their visions or journeys with this message. There is an ecstasy as we come in contact with this state, the purest essence of ourselves and everything that awaits us in the higher worlds of formlessness.

Though the visions are all different, each one tailor made to the visioner, the general theme is the same; the connection between every soul that has ever existed is a singular one, and all are connected in turn to the Great One who some call God, Source, It or Self.


Luca Girodano’s Dream of Solomon

Many life~changing visions have been recorded, including the famous atheist A. J. Ayer who, it can be said, did not die as such. I searched for comments online from people who have shared their experiences with the magic that awaits, finding a website which hopes to become the compendium for religious/mystical experience. If you have an experience to share you should post it there. Feel free to write any such experiences here as well.

Mystical Experience Registry http://www.bodysoulandspirit.net/index.shtml

JungCarl Jung: “It was as if I were in an ecstasy. I felt as though I were floating in space, as though I were safe in the womb of the universe—in a tremendous void, but filled with the highest possible feeling of happiness. Everything around me seemed enchanted…Night after night I floated in a state of purest bliss, thronged round with images of all creation.”


Virginia Woolf: “If life has a base that it stands upon, if it is a bowl that one fills and fills and fills—then my bowl without a doubt stands upon this memory. It is of hearing the waves breaking, one, tow, one, two, and sending a splash of water over the beach; and then breaking, one, two, one, two, behind a yellow blind. It is of hearing the blind draw its little acrorn across the floor as the wind blew the blind out. It is of lying and hearing this splash and seeing this light, and feeling, it is almost impossible that I should be here; of feeling the purest ecstasy I can conceive.”

Jane GoodallJane Goodall: “It was at though the music itself was alive. That moment, a suddenly captured moment of eternity, was perhaps the closest I have ever come to experiencing ecstasy, the ecstasy of the mystic….it is hard now, after twenty years, to recapture that moment of ecstasy in the cathedral—although the experience has never left me. It became incorporated into the warp and woof of my very being. If I hear Bach’s fugue, no matter where I am, the result is the same: just as the chimes of Big Ben trigger an unconscious spasm of fear, so that music floods my whole being with love, joy, and a sort of spiritual exaltation.”

Arthur KoestlerArthur Koestler: “Verbal transcriptions that come nearest to it are: the unity and interlocking of everything that exists, an interdependence like that of gravitational fields or communicating vessels. The “I” ceases to exist because it has, by a kind of mental osmosis, established communication with, and been dissolved in, the universal pool. It is the process of dissolution and limitless expansion which is sensed as the “oceanic feeling,” as the draining of all tension, the absolute catharsis, the peace that passeth all understanding.”

Divining The Brain

The sign of a truly religious experience is that it drastically and permanently changes the way one sees and reacts to the world. The prime reason for that change is not meeting “god” or traveling to distant realms, but attaining a comprehension of self-love which leads to a love for all. When we learn that we are beautiful and perfect just as we are, it becomes much easier to understand the good and bad aspects of those around us as equal in benefit. As we learn to accept ourselves just as we are, we learn to accept others in the same manner and the world becomes an incredible, magical, amazing place to live.

That does not mean, however, that one becomes Mother Teresa overnight. In my experience I lived every life ever lived, experienced every experience ever experienced, and yet I am still prey to the most subtle judgments about others. The difference now is that I am (sometimes painfully) aware of these judgments as they happen. I see this as nothing less than a benefit, as the work of retraining the mind towards positivity is a process we should all become familiar with as quickly as possible.

Once we become aware of the subtle judgments we make about others, we look around and think it is no wonder that the world is as racially/socially/materially discriminatory as it is. Those of the Narrow Way are few, as any book on the subject of ascension will tell you. The rest of us, those who have not yet “awakened” to our true purpose, merely follow our thoughts wherever they take us. We do this every day of our lives, causing great suffering to ourselves and others. We judge others for the most audacious reasons.

The single reason behind the judgments we make of others is the way we feel about ourselves. My father used to remind me of this quite often when I was of school age, a ‘metalhead’ of the eighties with a particular disgust for ‘preps’. “What you hate in others is what you hate about yourself,” he would say. It would infuriate me, because in my mind I hated them for all the reasons they were different than me. And yet, looking back, I shared their same need to fit in, their same judgment of others. Pappa was right.

Love Hicks

Therefore, it behooves each and every one of us to think about those we judge and then search for the origin of that trait in ourselves. This is what some mean by humans as mirrors of one another. To be aware of our own disdain for others is to root out the aspects of ourselves that we disdain. When we find these bruises within ourselves we can stop ‘beating up’ those parts of us which we have deemed ‘unworthy’ and begin to accept that every single aspect of ourselves is worthy of the whole.

I went to see my twin sister today and she blew my mind. By her own definition she has spent 40 years as a ‘blind follower’ of the Christian faith. She is now blooming into a beautiful Christian, everything Jesus meant for her to be. Over the years I have sent her “New Age” videos that have gone unwatched and rejected. It’s understandable for a Christian to feel this way about such Paths, lead by people named Teal Swan and Abraham (the collective non~physical entity that speaks through Esther Hicks), as well as others with names like Ram Dass, whose ‘guru’ is the Maharaji. I understood why she rejected it, but still spent many years judging her for judging me.

Teal Swan

Teal Swan

Ram Dass

Ram Dass

Abraham HicksA couple of months ago I sent her a Ram Dass video…and it clicked. It was his blatant honesty about himself, his humility that she says she’s found little of in her own belief’s leaders. That’s not to say there are not gurus of the Christian faith, or any other faith for that matter. When something speaks to us we follow it, if it serves its purpose and we feel it departing, we move on from it. Lessons, lessons, everywhere. Part of what drew her to Ram Dass is that he is Jewish, and though she is not Jewish she has always closely related with that version of Christianity. Suddenly my religious sister began to speak of New Age concepts. She started asking questions, wanting to know what words meant that Ram Dass would say, like “guru” and “dharma”.

Swami Vivekananda

Today when I went to see her she said “Ram Dass is my guru.” I laughed and said “Cool!” to which she replied “No. I mean…he’s my guru, like…I feel him around me. He’s here. Teaching me.” I laughed again and said “Very cool!” He’s taught me a few things as well. I heard to him talk about guilt in a video on YouTube and it lead to an epiphany that caused me to exist in that place that Jung describes above; a couple of weeks of pure silence and acceptance of all things, lost in the pure bliss of moment~by~moment existence. When the experience began to fade I went back to listen again, hoping to catch the wave once more. Nowhere in the entire video had he ever mentioned guilt. That part that had so transformed me never existed.

In mere months my sister has advanced faster into awakening than I’d ever thought was possible. It took me 10 years of walking the Path to get this far, and in two months she has found a guru and has just about caught up with me. All it took was for her to work the steps of life that she was already working. That’s the key here, the concept most of us don’t grasp. It’s also a communal theme of the religious experience.

“Everything I do every day, every waking moment of my life is walking the Path.”

The realization I came to after experiencing every experience ever experienced is that every experience leads to the same end. We never ‘mess up’. We never ‘make mistakes’. We simply learn and change or refuse to change, both our choice. Even refusing to learn is a lesson. If we refuse to change, that lesson will come again at a later time, presenting itself once more as an opportunity to grow. Sometimes we learn parts of a lesson, and the more advanced part of it presents itself later in time. That’s the unique ability of physical reality. It’s why we came here, to learn in a physical, matter~based environment the lessons that will further our non~physical experience. When we have learned all there is to learn here we move back into the non~physical.


This is the basis for the concept of Oneness. We are ALL here doing exactly what we should be doing at the exact rate that we should be doing it. Every single one of us. To focus away from what others are “doing wrong” and towards what purpose we want for ourselves is to live the best possible life. What’s magical about this process is that the more we focus away from what displeases us about others, the less of that thing we experience around us. This is known as creating your reality. When you focus only on what you are doing and what you want to do, you move forward as quickly as possible.

The religious experience is akin to the woman who could not fully grow up until she had a child, or the man who looked down upon the poor until he lost everything. Until you have seen what is to come, the problems of Earth seem overwhelming and threaten to drive you to the point of madness. Once you step out and observe how fleeting this human life is and the vast spanse of eternity and endless possibility that awaits, you can’t ever go back to what you were before. You step one foot closer to that endlessness.

Religious Experience

I live in these waves sometimes, where something happens that triggers me to return to that experience of living all lives at once. Yesterday in Taco Bell I saw a young couple, obviously on drugs and angry at the world. They clung together like the denial of summer in fall, two leaves that would float down to the ground to be trampled by passing feet completely unaware of their existence: proof to them that the world was every bit as cold and compassionless as they’d been taught it was. As I watched their eyes scan the room in defiance and restlessness, daring anyone to stare at them, I saw a movie playing behind my eyes, countless other stories just like theirs; every life that had played out the same way, everyone who had ever taken that road, like grains of sand sifting in a giant hourglass. I was one of those grains of sand once. There is hope for them. There is hope for us all.


Dimensions of Perception: The Proposal of Schizophrenia/Disassociative/Depersonalization Disorders as Possible Multi-Dimensional Experience

schizophrenia butterfly

Let me first begin by saying I am in no way a scientist or a professional by any means, nor have any proof of the things I am saying. I have commented on what I have read or seen when applicable. These are merely ponderances I have made recently from various new informations I have received and am considering.

At psychcentral.com there is a test that anyone can take to evaluate whether or not they may be schizophrenic or have schizophreniform~type disorders. The questions are as follows.

I feel that others control what I think and feel.

I hear or see things that others do not see.

I feel it is very difficult for me to express myself in words that others can understand.

I feel I share absolutely nothing in common with others, including my friends and family.

I believe in more than one thing about reality and the world around me that nobody else seems to believe in.

Others don’t believe me when I tell them the things I see and hear.

I can’t trust what I’m thinking because I don’t know if it’s real or not.

I have magical powers that nobody else has or can explain.

Others are plotting to get me.

I find it difficult to get ahold of my thoughts.

I am treated unfairly because others are jealous of my special abilities.

I talk to another person or other people inside my head that nobody else can hear.

I took this test, and this was my score.

” 31. Based upon your responses to this schizophrenia screening measure, you appear to have some signs commonly associated with schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Your responses are similar to others who experience symptoms of schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. This includes symptoms such as hallucinations and/or delusions, a poverty of speech, and/or emotional “flattening.” ”

Obviously I don’t have a poverty of speech, and I don’t suffer from any delusions that others control me, are plotting to get me or treat me unfairly, but as for the rest I can definitely be classified as closely associated with the disease.

My mother suffers from disassociative disorder, which was better~known back in the day as multiple personality, a schizophreniform disorder. She has four personalities that I have witnessed. I grew up in a world where demons were outside waiting to get in and evil lurked around every corner. Through her, God ruled with an iron fist, isolating us from the rest of the world.

I have quite a bit of insight into what it’s like to be mentally ill. I suffered with bipolar disorder with schizophrenic tendencies many years of my life, bouncing from one medication to the other. I was never irreversibly ill, but doctors believed I was. As a child, I thought that aliens were waiting in a space ship above me in the sky (which was actually a star), to take me away. They spoke to me through music I listened to (don’t laugh, it was Billy Idol’s “Whiplash Smile”), and told me exactly how to act and what to say to be good enough for them. I kept a diary specifically for their instructions.


Later in life I experienced paranoia, such as video cameras put in certain places to watch me. Still to this day I sometimes have fleeting thoughts about being watched, or that there are video cameras around, but it no longer controls me or affects my life. During my most depressive era I had an infestation of leprechauns that lived in a certain coffee table. My sisters experienced them as well. They would make things disappear. I remember having burned the table, but my sister recently told me that she still has the table but has no further problems with leprechauns.

I would hear voices that would try, gently and lovingly, to make me realize that everyone I loved would be much better off if I were dead. I would have visions of sacrificing myself to giant insect creatures who awaited with bloody mandibles. I sought to silence the voices and visions with drugs and alcohol.

Today, thanks to a lot of work and guidance I am as ‘normal’ as anyone else; free of medication, drugs and alcohol. What was diagnosed as sickness has now become strength, and permanent, disabling depression and neuroses have disappeared forever. I look back and see that much of what was misdiagnosed as brain dysfunction was, in fact, situational, requiring twenty years of self-psychotherapy to cure.

Some might look at the ‘kooky’ claims I make on this website and think I’m still crazy, but one thing I do know is that I am living my dreams in every way, a heaven on Earth that few people believe is possible. I’m successful and happy, surrounded by those who love me and whom I love. My beliefs have worked for me.

My family still suffers, though my siblings are curing themselves in leaps and bounds. There is ADD/ADHD, Alice In Wonderland syndrome, Depersonalization/Derealization disorders and others evident in my family.

depersonalization img

In fact, I cannot think of one person on either side of my family tree that is ‘normal’. One might hear all this and think my family is cursed with mental illness. Disorders such as ADD and ADHD may be associated with brain dysfunction, but much that my family experiences seems like a matter of dimensions to me, and this is the basis of the proposal.

I have read and heard of theories suggesting that schizophrenics live in in many dimensions at once, unable to exist solely in this dimension without being aware of the others. I watched the movie Consciousness Mechanics (posted on this website), in which it describes spacelines v/s timelines; spacelines being the minute differences between dimensions here on Earth, in moments that change with the choices we make, such taking a car ride instead of walking.

The increasing number of diagnoses, such as this Alice In Wonderland syndrome and Depersonalization, have the exact same semantics as spiritual practice, and yet people are perceiving these states of mind to be detrimental. My daughter suffers from Depersonalization, which she explains as looking in the mirror and not recognising her body. Alice In Wonderland syndrome is experienced by my little sister, who feels that certain parts of her body are suddenly larger than the universe. I am beginning to believe that people are mistaking possible incredible cosmic experiences with a mental disorder, due to lack of information, fear of the unknown and the world’s increasing dependence on medications and cures for anything that seems abnormal.

Let me begin with my definition of dimensions of perception on Earth as opposed to actual, parallel dimensions to the one we currently exist in on this Earth.

Let us say that I found out some good news that causes me to feel elation, something I perceive will make my life much easier in days to come, such as an inheritance left to me due to a distant relative’s death. Suddenly the world seems boundless and possibilities endless. Walking down the street I will notice that people seem happy and carefree. The sky is more blue than usual, the sun warm and inviting. Doors will be opened for me and opportunities will present themselves that may have not been available on an average day. Every human on Earth can attest to this, we’ve all experienced such days.

Are people really walking around just as they are, with my perception as what has changed? Am I literally witnessing smiles on the faces of people who are actually frowning, or those with neutral expressions? The answer is no. I can look at a person and see their teeth as they smile. I can experience what is happening in real time, just as it is taking place.

Let’s say that another person walking down the same street has been devastated by the death of a close loved one. Does he or she experience carefree, smiling people everywhere? Is the sky so blue, the sun so warm and inviting? That person may feel a cold wind or the sun may seem to glare blindingly into their eyes. People will seem solemn, rushed, unfriendly, and all sorts of unsatisfactory occurrences will happen to them that may have not happened on an average day.

Which experience is real? Both are happening simultaneously, at the same point in space/time. It’s the same street, the same people. It seems to me that both people are experiencing actual reality as it is experienced by the individual. Would it not be said that these two people are living in different spacial dimensions?

The difference between dimensions is just that, difference. Each time I choose to go left instead of right I am changing my reality. Each time I choose a good mood over a bad one I am changing my reality. The hypotheses on dimensions are that we are simultaneously living in many dimensions at once, but are only aware of the current dimension due to the focus of our consciousness. But it seems that dimensions break down further, moment by moment based on the choices we make which are not only altering our current dimension but creating more subtle, wavelike dimensions within the current dimension we are focused on.

Dimensional Travel

In relation to people with schizophrenia and schizophreniform disorders, what is really going on? On the website livingwithschizophreniauk.org, it notes that people born deaf who develop schizophrenia hear voices. How could this be, having never heard a voice before in their lives? Additionally, schizophrenics hear voices of loved one that have passed away. This is a documented experience of those who leave their bodies and travel to different dimensions. However, there are things about the voices schizophrenics hear that do not sound to me like dimensional experiences rather than the voice of the twisted ego, so there is much to consider before making any sort of hypothesis or claim.

What if, as some theories suggest, people with schizophrenic/ schizophreniform disorders are literally unable to focus solely on this current Earth dimension? To them, reality would constantly change, while to us it seems to stay the ‘same’, whatever dimension of perception we are existing within at the time. Therefore, an unexpected shift in attitude or personality would be perceived to us as abnormal when, in fact, they were responding appropriately to what they perceive around them.

As with the voice that tried to convince me I’d be better off dead, I doubt that anyone in an alternate dimension is attempting to convince my other~dimensional self to die. This sounds more like the perception that one has based on feelings about themselves. We don’t yet know how profound an impact belief has upon influencing the thoughts of the believer, but quantum biochemistry is working to explain the effects of thought on man and the world around us.

Most of the voices schizophrenics hear are telling them harmful or hurtful things, but this is not always true. This is one major strike against these disorders as multi~dimensional experiences in my mind, because I don’t believe that “ill” people are all from some dimension where they are being manipulated and abused by others.

Schizophrenia and Dimension Travel

I’ve recently gone online to find schizophrenic people that are talking about their experiences, to differentiate what could be ego or brain atrophy from anything that could be described as dimensional experience.

In one conversation, a person explained that they not only broadcast their thoughts but also transmit thoughts. They are aware that others can hear their thoughts, and that they can hear others thoughts. They not only believe others can feel their emotions but that they can feel others emotions. The purpose of the blog was to assuage those like him/her not to think about it and use techniques such as meditation and relaxation to combat the paranoia and confusion that comes along with the symptoms, as well as learning self-love and acceptance.

The science of thought as a vibrational frequency assures us that our thoughts are, in fact, broadcast in the form of vibrations, perhaps not actual words but the emotion behind them. Telepathy is a documented ability that some people have. Emotional states are also vibrations, which can be felt by ’empaths’, which I myself have been since I was a child. What causes these ‘symptoms’ to be considered detrimental?

This person speaks of having the gift to manipulate and ‘mentally torture’ people, and his/her ability to exist in negative states quite well. Has our condemnation of people with abilities, as well as our diagnoses of them as ‘abnormal’ and ‘sick’, caused what would possibly have been a positive, powerful experience to become twisted and malevolent? If everyone around this person would have been supportive and understanding, would his/her experience been entirely different, and the hallucinations positive instead of negative? Many native peoples and tribes around the world embrace hallucinations, visions and voices, and take in those who are experiencing these things, nurturing and harboring them until the experience passes. Many of these people turn out to be shamans, who go on to heal others when their time in the ‘spirit world’ is done.

Another blog was two people talking about how their religious hallucinations made them want to be more religious, to judge less, to go to church more and to pray for pedophiles, in particular. My own experience with a ‘religious’ hallucination, in which “god” came to me in the sunlight (I was an atheist until that moment), changed my life in every way. Could these experiences be not hallucinations but actual ‘religious’ experiences?

Schizophrenia and DImensions

One blogger spoke of invisible creatures that observed them at all times, watching, listening and mind reading. This person didn’t feel like the creatures were out to harm them, but was asking others if anyone could explain. Could this person be aware of spiritual guides surrounding him or her?

These are questions that should eventually be answered.

Schizo and Alone

Reading these online community comments has caused a deep grief to well inside me. These people are isolated, tortured and helpless, reaching out to a world that has no answers, only fear. They are doped up with powerful sedatives which further complicate the process of self~discovery and self~psychotherapy. Without the stigma of sickness and the fear that accompanies misunderstanding, our ‘mentally ill’ members of the human family might be our most powerful members.

Could soul travel be the answer? Would the scientific community give more credence to dimensional travel if it meant somehow meeting these people dimension by dimension and helping them work through their confusion? These thoughts are in the infant stage, nowhere near valid enough to claim. However, I want to know more.

An Acclamation of Bonds


“Dark is the spirit of my token. Dark is my call.”                                                                     Emperor Encorcelled by Khaos

“We have lost sight
Of the night-side of the self
Hunted by the fear
Of reunion
Night-sight is bliss
For he who dares look into
A world where you embrace the opposite
Where you are whole

There is no lasting joy
In numbness and dogma
Too much is too little in knowledge
Driven by mystery”                                                                                                                                       Enslaved Night-sight

The average person looks at a yin yang symbol and immediately thinks ‘Good v/s Evil’, but that is simply not the case. It’s ingrained in us from a young age, through many different channels. Religions see “darkness” as a detrimental force, something controlled by the devil harbouring hatred and advocating ill intent. But darkness is a physical absence and nothing more, a space not yet filled by light. It is an empty vessel, a place to go when rest is needed. When the soul is freed from the sheaths that protect its delicacy from raw physical vibration, it no longer requires darkness or sleep. Its surroundings correspond to its needs or desires. I’ve read that in most advanced planes the sun never sets at all. I will enjoy the dark that Earth has to offer as long as I am here.

While it is true that those who associate with evil are drawn towards darkness, they are the honest ones, for lost is he who hides ill will in the light of day. One cannot look at a man and know his intent, the many infamous cult leaders and misdirected religious heads are evidence of this. Neither can one look at a woman and see beyond the black clothing, talismanic jewelry and tattoos and know that inside her is the deepest love for humankind. Truly it is rare to find us, those Light-givers living in Darkness, though I think there are many more than we realize. In fact, I began this blog in hopes of gathering us together, for we are the heralds of something previously unknown to this world, a unique gift whose light shines in the darkest reaches. I have named us the Hexen, and I meet more of them every age. It is always a welcomed reunion. The Acclamation Of Bonds:

“Brethren and sisters of my circle,
I acclaim thee all.
When guiding stars are clouded and deranged,
fear not to take my hand.

The bonds of trust and unity.
As gods received
till the end.”

With the 1990’s rise of symphonic black metal from the North came the first known “darkness” with such a tender soul, a generation that rejected the illusions common to society by representing the antithesis of them. Yes, this darkness was made famous for professing witchcraft and Satan worship, but from behind the outer layers a glittering intelligence burst forth whose destiny was to map out the lies of man in search for a deeper understanding of self. Rebellion takes many forms.

Historically, “light” began the turn of these souls towards darkness in search of the pagan gods of olde. The Lutheran faith infiltrated Norway and rescended its right to worship Norse gods, who had endured in their belief systems for many hundreds of years.  These young adults of the ’90’s, unhappy with the state of the world, distanced from their Viking ancestors by the forced fealty of religion, rejected society’s demands and forged out in the opposite direction, rekindling a reverence for those who came before them. The vast majority of these youth were simply wounded and/or misunderstood,  as is the case with most of the tattooed, black-clad youth of today.

Darkness was my friend long before I was told it was bad. Black was my favourite colour from age seven. As a child I spent much time removed from others, one with nature, storms and the nightsky. Once I had been taught that it was something to fear I still gravitated towards it even as I was afraid of it. I was touched by sorrow, drawn towards hurting things, bourne of a need to gather suffering unto myself before I even knew why. My mother says I would always know when she was suffering, even if she hid it from me. That empathic gift would be my downfall long before it became a blessing, but once it bloomed it embraced the entire world.

I loved metal music the moment I heard it. Having come to believe that “God” was a man in the sky that looked upon me with disdain, I welcomed anything that rejected “Him” as the rejected became the rejector. While my twin sister’s nature was to try and appease this god, it was in my nature to rebel against it and so I did with a fervor. She became a devout Christian and I became interested in witchcraft. What a joy it has been to find these many years later that our paths have both taken us to the same end.

It was Emperor’s symphonic black metal, the very genre that professes “God” does not exist, that turned me towards the idea of god. The secret is this: our source energy reaches out to us through whatever paths we choose. Every path leads back to it and yet we are it, returning to ourselves. Each one of us is a god who came here to know the Darkness and the Light, to experience pain and sorrow equally with release and joy, that we may experience all things that exist in all universes. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of man, one religion against another, one colour against another, one musical preference versus another. Just as the nun sings her songs in the convent so the aborigine in the wilds of Australia worships in his way and sings his own songs. So the metal band growls out the deepest questions of man, the philosophies of a new age in which the tide has turned towards change.

“For once I wish to see
the entity behind the voice.
The face of this seduction,
the beauty of my pain.

Am I blessed or am I cursed by thy presence?
What is my crime, what is my deed?
Is this life my redemption?
Shall I repent or proceed?

I hate my flesh.
Its dimension poisoned my soul with doubt.
It made me question
the essence of the “I”.
Slaves are those of this world
given freedom to lay chains upon The Master.”

It was these words that woke me. I knew there was a power greater within me, but the confusion caused by my belief of darkness as evil made me think that it was evil that called me, even as I was rejected by it. As this growling philosopher, Vegard Sverre Tveitan, questioned his own soul and the world around him through lyrics and music, so I began a quest of my own. Through his unflinchingly honest chronicles I found strength, faced my ideas of god for the first time and realized I’d been rejecting “Him” because “He” was not what awaited me. Those songs were with me when I found my ascended master, as well as the day a Viking ship floated down from the sky in a field, ushering in the sunlight, which presented itself to me as an Energy that could not be denied. I do not think of god in terms of common man. Between us there is no difference but that It is where I am headed on the eternal road to integration.

My Brother’s walk paralleled mine for many years until I turned from his Left path towards my own, a direction that would move me above the weight of Earth. Every path is experience gained, one is no more true than another. Once I knew of the power that existed in the universe I fell briefly away from metal, listening to world music because I believed that carrying Light made it my duty to do so. But the darkness inside of me had been an empty vessel waiting to be filled, and metal had a way of presenting itself time and time again when I most needed to be reminded what was real.

Eventually I realized that I am beautiful just as I am, and that darkness, inherent in me since birth, is my chosen direction for this life. Both dark and light live inside me together, as they do all of us.

Since then there have been other bands who scream out spiritual lessons. Some of these take the listener to dark planes, the Left Hand Path, some of them to light, the Right Hand Path. There is a Middle Road, the dark/light mix, ever-quickening towards Source, and it is where I want to go.

Beyond the physical worlds our ideas of evil and good intermingle. There is a Dark Presence out there, make no mistake, but only if we design it, as the only real state that exists is that of love. All roads make way to home, and dark presents opportunities for the light and vice versa.

The death metal bands of today have taken on the banner of spirituality, in fact it has become quite a fad to use cosmic or astral nomenclature in the name of bands, song names and lyrics. I’m sure a few of these are nothing more than the fad, but any fad which brings spirituality into consideration is a useful one. Those who are serious about their message are speaking to fans considered the most extreme of their kind, which I think is an amazing accomplishment. You won’t find death metal fans in the pews at church.

The metal album that has helped me the most these past few years is from the band Enslaved.  This album, entitled Axioma Ethica Odini, was my teacher during a most difficult time. Every day. every song spoke the reality of a different aspect of my situation, causing me to move with miraculous grace through moments that would otherwise have been much more difficult. Each time darkness showed me what love could do I loved myself more, an important endeavor for any of us to undertake.

The song “Ethica Odini” speaks directly to those who kill in the name of God (Search beyond the blinded eyes/Listen before you preach/Don’t leave yourself behind/Honor life, when life has ceased). “Waruun” speaks of self-deceit and the worship of constructs (Feared dissonance kept away – nails on stone/As darkness descends/Can’t find your way out of here/Yet… It was built by you). “The Beacon” calls us to ask the elders for help (I walked this far myself/My blood dripped from my knife/I awoke, and was alive/I did no longer weep/I saw my beacon,/I ran to aid). “Axioma” warns us against focusing on others karma (Fear not the settlement with those who fear the truth). “Giants” calls us to return within (See through the flesh/See past the soul/Feel the pulsing twilight/Domain of unborn thoughts/Go back, Unveil/Approach the cosmic womb). “Singular” is a powerful song of the Narrow Way, the lonely path to god (Alone in the daylight/One with reality/Shaped by the inner glow/Determination – I/All can be reached from within). “Lightening” warns against the martyr spirit (You fight the wars for your kin/You leave yourself behind/This settlement, you can’t win/The inner eye is blind).

And then there’s “Raidho”, an ancient text all its own, the path unfolding in all its bloody humanity and beauty. Raidho is my rune, and this song the foreversong of my soul in the union of stillness and change.


This journey without movement
Heading out for no-man’s land
The way ahead my only ally
Early hours, in the silence

This credence keeps me upright
Through the storms and disasters
A straight line towards the unknown end
Deceit waits on the back roads

This unwavering inner
Keeps fear a welcomed pointer
I, uprooted, now the fertile soil
As plot and shadows thicken

This juggernaut cannot be stopped
On any scale or planet
Ghostly tracks in my wake and ahead
An experience, cannot be shared

Wheels of time
Keep them turning
Carriage of concepts
Circling the planes

Lightless voyage, blinding speeds
Certain; I’ll stay the distance
Abstract shapes, enigmatic design
I know enough to endure

Lightless corridors, ageless
Contradictory engines run high
Deeper and further above

Journey of no promises
Beyond the lust for rewards
Focus on the movement of the Wheel
Union of stillness and change

Journey of the ages all
I’ll follow outside the edge
Breath, blood, sacrifice and bleeding eyes
Unending journey ahead

Be Here NowFrom the book “Be Here Now” by Ram Dass, et. al.